There are so many other things clouding my thoughts.
When the clouds roll in, I have to clear them. Clearing them, for me is blogging. So please, pull out your umbrellas and come into my storm, or try back tomorrow where I will try to shine the sunshine from Florida for you all to see.
I am feeling consumed with OTHERS today. I know when I feel consumed with others means, I need to make some me time, I need to let go and let God. That is so hard though.
The night before we left for our vacation my mom, step dad, brother and his girlfriend all came over to do our Christmas together.
The last time I saw my brother was around Thanksgiving. He was hopped up (or really down) on valium. He was so out of it. I left there pretty angry. I have decided many times that I will not subject myself to his addictions. My kids don't deserve to see their Uncle completely out of it. They don't understand that one time he is great, energetic and fun then the next so down that he is falling asleep at the dinner table.
When my mom invited them to my house for our Christmas get together, it was already too late for me to protest. SO I allowed them to come over. I hoped that it wasn't going to be a repeat, for the most part, it wasn't. He wasn't sleeping at the dinner table, but other signs were there.
Cheesecake was forgotten at Mom's house, my brother over enthusiastically volunteered to run back and get it. OK. That was strange, but I blamed my "over-reacting mind" for "assuming" the worse.
During dinner, he was eating and I could just tell, something was OFF. All of a sudden he says, "No wonder! I've been eating this pineapple thinking it was potato and wondering why it tasted so different."
Um, WHAT? Sorry, clearly, he is not all there.
As we were opening gifts his girlfriend and him decided it was time for them to go and the urgency was overwhelming. They were out the door in no time flat. For benefit of the doubt, his girlfriend is allergic to dogs and we had not put up our dog (not remembering her allergies). So they were OUT.
One of my smoke breaks in the garage I was talking with Mom. She was going on and on about how proud she is of my brother, how he has taken steps to go to a psychiatrist, how the psychiatrist suggested him to a methadone clinic. How he is trying so hard to remain sober. Her denial is frustrating.
I cringed. I expressed to Mom that I felt differently than she did about his so-called recovery, that I don't believe it for a minute and that I am calling "bullshit" on it. I broke her heart, I could tell. I took the wind out of her sails. I didn't mean to, it was a gut reaction to his lies.
The thing that makes me so upset is how he constantly does this to her. How she falls for it every time.
I immediately regretted saying anything at all. I can not save him, and I sure as hell can't save her from being hurt by him. I can only prepare myself, but in the same token, am I going off of past experiences of the worse from him? Am I "assuming" the worse so that IF it happens I won't be hurt by it? Am I not putting enough faith in my Higher Power to take care of the situation? Am I putting all my faith in my Higher Power for my brother, but not giving faith that He will take care of my Mom?
Well, I give this to my Higher Power, to get me through this I know He will know what to do for them and for me.
Letter to brother,
Chad, I love you. I hope you can get through this.
Letter to Mom,
Mom, I love you. I hope you can get through this.
*wipes hands clean*
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
ReplyDeleteOne, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Hey my comment worked!
ReplyDeleteWhat Liam said but man it must be hard to be you and your mom. Wanting the best for him and watching him keep sliding down that slippery slope.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that you are strong, and thank God that you are okay! Addiction has to more painful than any other disease because you know the cure.
Hugs to your mom, her heart must be breaking. No matter what our kids put us through we still love them.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing that you or anyone else can do for your brother. He has to be willing to quit. Willing to recover. If he isn't now, then hopefully he will get that willingness eventually.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of family members that keep slipping back into the same situation as your brother.
ReplyDeleteI wont say that I know exactly how you feel, because I dont. But I do know how tough it is to go through on both sides (his and you/your moms)
Wishing for all the best. Hoping he WANTS to get past this, for if he doesn't, it wont happen. :(
Hang in there.
*Hugs*
If there is only one thing I have learned, it is that you can only do for yourself. First instincts are mostly the best instinct. Oops! That's two.
ReplyDeleteThere are things my girls have said to me, about their sisters' behaviors and I didn't want to hear it and it hurt like hell, but they were telling me the truth and I had to admit that to myself and them. I have survived.
Just pray for them both and be there as much as you can without hurting yourself.
That is all. I will step down off my soap box now.
Wowzers!! Well, good on you for being strong and deciding not to let your brothers issues become apparent to your kids.
ReplyDelete**hugs**
as a mom, you always want to think positively about your children. she wants to believe that he can and will change. Hopefully she will survive the many heartbreaks he may bring her...but she will never give up!
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you! I think that you have come so far...not falling for it again. Simply loving him and hoping for the best. But still making sure you and your family is healthy. And I proud of you for not keeping his secret even if it wasn't what your mom wants to hear. You have made major changes. I am very proud of you Stacie!
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible situation. It must be tearing you apart. I'm proud of you for being able to let it go - at least to some extent. That's more restraint than I would ever be able to show. I'm always telling other people how to mind their business.
ReplyDeleteWOW Stacie, I have just spend some time today reading your blog and WOW. You are amazing! You have so much going on and gosh, you are really doing a great job of handling it all! I sure hope 2009 is a great year for you and your family!
ReplyDelete