Caution...raw rant.

I am just really pissed this morning...it is festering. This weekend was Hubby's family party...the end of summer party that his uncle throws every year. With Hubby's drinking it is always a little stressful for me because I am always thinking ahead of time. Like should we drive separate, which is NOT good if he is drinking...but it is in a way selfish because *I* don't want to stay all night long while he gets sloshed. My kids shouldn't stay all night long because he (Hubs) isn't done yet and it is tiring to think about it all...and take care of the kids and then drive his drunk ass home. It all just makes me so mad. So anyway, Hubby had to work. He had to go in at 3am and work until 3pm. So...he was just going to meet me there. Fine. Atleast I don't have to drive him around. We get there I am having a good time. I can tell that Hubby is just exhausted. Bubba fell asleep on a friend's lap and it was around 9:30 so I decide it is really time for me to get Sammy home (Buggy is with her dad this weekend). So I start packing things up. Hubby's mom leans over to me and said, "how mad would you be if Hubby stayed the night here?" Quickly I responded with, "omg, not at all. He is tired. He has been drinking and doesn't look like he is ready to go. I wouldn't be mad at all." She said, "oh WOW, see son she isn't a BITCH".

dramatic pause. When this came out...it really didn't bother me, but now it has been festering. My response was "um, no, I AM a bitch, but that has nothing to do with if he can stay or not" and I laughed it off. She quickly said, that it wasn't Hubby saying that, it was her just joking. Whatever. It really didn't bother me at first. I know I am hard on Hubby, I know that I am strict on my kids, but you know what. YEP it is necessary. Hubby is a drunk ass that is CONSTANTLY a disappointment in my eyes...which CLOSELY resembles my own BIOLOGICAL FATHER. So yeah, I am hard on him. Maybe some of it is not warranted, but so be it. AND YES, I will be strict with my kids, they will NOT run all over me and THEY WILL be behaved and have manners, what is wrong with that?

I think I am taking this out on my keyboard. I got the van packed and I just said, I think that it is sad though because I think you will miss out on some family time tomorrow (to Hubby). OH NO he reassured me. I will get up early and we will go do something. I knew it wasn't going to happen. 2:30 pm yesterday he finally calls me. He just woke up. He didn't mean to stay that long. 5:30...another call. HE IS STILL AT HIS MOMS. I was pissed. He finally got home at 6:15. Acting all arrogant. (sp?) Said, "you are the only one pissed off here" wtf? Yeah I am pissed. So my response was "well, you know. I am such a bitch and this is what bitches do." I didn't speak to him the rest of the night. Am I wrong to be pissed? Don't even answer, because I know I am not wrong. He also said, "how often do I get to do this????" I said, "really? and how often do I? and why would I want to?"

I do go out once a month with my moms group...and I get up the next day and do what I am suppose to do or what I say I am going to do.

My arm is starting to hurt typing all of this anger. It is just flowing out of my fingertips. GRRRRR.

Things were improving for us...he HAD tapered off on the drinking that I knew of...there are still many chances for him to hide it and me not know about it, but sometimes not knowing is better. This whole week he was on days...so there was no hiding it. He would stay upstairs until close to bed time...then go downstairs to "watch tv"...inevitably he would be drinking a few beers while he watch. To look productive he would do laundry while he was down there too...yeah that is great, thank you...but guilt laundry isn't as sweetly rewarded.

This typing just has me shaking now...I better get off of here and try to calm down.