Every year, I get close to the kids' birthdays and I start stressing. Do I invite him and his family? Do I not invite him?
It is coming up on Buggy's eighth birthday and I am having a panic attack over this issue. I am ALREADY having this pain in my chest and the party is two weeks away. The invitations still sit here on my desk.
My kids really don't know my father. He hasn't exactly been around much for me or my kids.
In fact, the other day, Buggy said, "Isn't your dad dead?"
No, I am so sorry to say he isn't. I don't mean that I wish he was dead, but I am sorry that he hasn't been around more so that my kids KNOW he is alive. I feel sorry for him and that just angers me even more.
How do you father/mother children and then walk away?
I am a mom. First and foremost I am a mom, I can't imagine not having daily contact with my kids. As they get older I would expect nothing less than weekly (preferably more) contact.
I struggle with wanting my dad in my life and the possibility of him disappointing my children the way he has me and my brother. I struggle with keeping him out of my children's life because there is nothing more that I want than my own father to be a part of something that means so much to me.
I think by inviting him it is still me trying, trying to get him to be the person I so desperately want him to be. I can't make him be that person. He has had 34 years of my life to be that person and he hasn't chosen to be; there is nothing I can do to make that happen. It is me trying to say look at what you are missing. Not only are missing out on me, look at these marvelous creatures I have been blessed with.
It is a stressful struggle. Do I invite him and await the inevitable disappointment? Do I keep putting myself through that?
Do I not invite him and then wonder what if I invited him and he came? What if it would make the difference?
Do I save myself the pain, do I spare my children or do I bite the bullet so that they may have a chance to see him?
These thoughts circle my brain and make my heart strain.
Birthdays are suppose to be fun, not so heart wrenching.
Hi Stacie -
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through this pain about your father. I have never had a close relationship with my father either and he is not all that connected to my kids - he lives in FL, so that doesn't help. I would say - follow your heart. I have done many things I did not want to do - for the sake of my kids and it was and has been the right choice. But ... only you know what is right for you. I think if you still wonder about things - you have to face those things straight on - disappointment or not. It will either work out or continually disappoint to the point that you will THEN be able to severe the relationship forever or not. It sometimes just takes the pain and the time to resolve the issues - as hard as that is. I am an outsider and it is nearly impossible to help you make this decision - I would just suggest that you follow your heart!
Take care -Kellan
I think you said it best... You're trying to get him to be the man you want him to be...
ReplyDeleteHe obviously doesn't want to be that person. Why? That's something you can spend the rest of your life worrying about.
I can be flippant and just say "screw him"... but that's not going to be much consolation to you.
I'm sorry this is such a painful struggle for you, doll.
ReplyDeleteYou may try inviting him just to say you tried and if he shows up, great, but if not then don't sweat it. I know that's easier said than done, but just a thought.
I'm thinking about you!
I wish I had something brilliant to say to you.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
Wow, that must be a very heart-wrenching thing to go through, and a tough decision to make. I can't tell you what you should do, but agree with the poster who said to "follow your heart". That might be harder than it sounds, but hopefully you will have peace over what you decide to do. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your dad. It must be very upsetting to keep putting the ball in his court only to watch it lay there.
ReplyDeleteIf it were me I would continue to invite him (barring any incident that put my family in peril). But, I'm the kind of person that insists on banging their head against a brick wall.
In the end I guess you should simply draw the line at how much heart break you care to endure. Sounds like you've already been through enough - I'm sending internet hugs your way!
my siblings (older bro and sis) hate our dad. they wonder why i 'allow' him in my life and have such a role in his grandchildren's lives. it's because i love him. he is my father. and that means a lot to me. you do what you feel is right in your gut. if you invite him and then he lets you down, at least you knew what to expect. if you don't invite him, you will feel guilty. which is the lesser of the two evils?
ReplyDelete(sorry, not helping!)
This is a hard one to figure out the best move. I can offer no brilliant resolutions, but I can say that no matter what you decide to do, I for one stand behind you 100%.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to you, I will pray for strength for you, it is the best I can do.
I have no advice by I agree with Kellan's heartfelt comment...follow your heart.
ReplyDeletebig hugs to you!
I think the toughest thing in the world is when someone who is supposed to love you - doesn't. There's just nothing you can do to MAKE someone love you.
ReplyDeleteI know first-hand. I have this issue with my sister and to some degree with my Dad. (He was a good guy and he did what he was capable of, but he just had no clue. He would have liked me a lot better if I'd been a Cocker Spaniel - seriously!)
I think it really changes who you are because you are always so anxious to do ANYTHING you can think of to make them love you and pay attention to you, but you know sweetie, if they don't love you and your kids now, they aren't ever going to. It's so sad, but it's so true. And you're just better off putting that same amount of energy into someone else who is capable of loving you back.
Instead we've pieced together what substitutes we can find. Good friends, people from church, neighbors, distant cousins. It's a lot more productive and a lot less heartbreaking.
I wish I knew some advise but only you can make this decision by following your heart as others have said in previous comments.
ReplyDeleteMe personally, (not knowing any of your past or what you have been through, but as an outsider...) I would send the invite. If he shows up, then you can base your next move on how he treats you and your kids. If him being there doesnt turn out well, then you know you tried and not to invite him anymore.
If he doesnt show up, I would probably let it go at that as well. You can only give a person so many chances. I know it must be terribly hard, but as Adrian said "there is nothing you can do to MAKE someone love you." If he can't see how special you and your children are then he isnt worthy of your time.
Im not sure if I have helped any and I know Im kind of stepping out on a limb here seeing as I really know nothing about your situation, but I wish you the very best in whatever decision you decide to make. Stay strong.
Oh Stacie...I know this struggle all to well. It's our need to make things better, hope that if we were "enough" people will love us back and show up...it's the part of us that enables. ugh! Sucks...doesn't it.
ReplyDeleteIt would be the ideal situation if you could find peace in the fact that your dad is who he is and nothing can change that but himself. But that is easy to say and almost impossible to do! Maybe you could just put it out there that you are having a birthday party and if he wants to come okay and if not...okay. But I know that in your heart nothing about this is that easy.
I'm sorry...guess not so helpful advice. Try to focus on your Buggy instead of your father.
I have a similar situation with my sister. She has never met my 4 year old and I have never met her 2 year old. I am DYING to meet him, but since I'm fairly sure it might be a one-time thing, i just can't put the kids through that. Why introduce them to people, and tell them they are "family" and then they never see them again? I don't wish her ill, but it's just easier for all of us to just stay out of each other's lives. So we do.
ReplyDeleteYou know, this is one of the most hardest lessons of my life. "How do you father/mother a child and then walk away?". I don't know, Love. Both my biological and adoptive parents walked away from me, they are still walking, and I'm still wondering what happened. God will bare you up. I promise.
ReplyDelete