I just hope that when it's my day...I go peacefully...which would be an oxymoron if you knew MY family. They are all so loud...and up in your business.
So, last week, my Aunt's step mom passed away from cancer. She was a lovely person, always had kind words to say, kept her dirty jokes softly in your ear. She was as she appeared from the outside, she was a great step mom to my Aunt and her sister. She was a wonderful Gramma to my cousins. SHE will be missed dearly, but one and all that knew her.
Gramma Kath will be missed.
Cancer sucks.
*shameless plug* Kids and I are walking again this year for Relay for Life.
Anyways, I try not to go to many funerals.
If I had my way, there wouldn't be any funerals...therefore we all would live...FOREVER....
This particular "memorial" (because that sounds better) was an all in one kind of thing. A wake followed by the memorial. I felt obligated to stay for the whole thing, even though I just wanted to go, hug my family and run the hell out of there.
It is a day to say goodbye, a day to get together to remember, I just emotionally can't handle it.
As I sat in my chair at the back of the funeral home, my arms crossed over my stomach as if to hold it all in or kept any from getting to me, I listened to the Catholic priest give his schpeal.
This feels like a full mass, I thought to myself. Wonder if this counts as going to church for Easter?
What?
It felt like an Easter sermon.
Just sayin.
The longer he went on the further my brain drifted.
When will it be my time?
What will I die from?
I want to be cremated I know that. I like this memorial service, but I'd want it to be less churchy, more personable. Yeah.
Wonder who would come to my memorial? Would we need the WHOLE funeral home, as Kath did, or would we only need the one partitioned section?
What would I do if this was my Mom? Does she have a will? Am I even a contact person in case of an emergency?
Do I fly down to AZ to get her body? Do I have her cremated there?
At this point the memorial is wrapping up...and I'm reminded that life is short.
Kath was only 62.
I better get on that bucket list...and make sure my Mom has her affairs in order...and my own.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Takes days like these...
I got a very sad call this morning. It was 8 am and my cell phone was ringing. It's my very best friend from high school, K-Sue, I didn't answer due to the cell battery light flashing as each ring sounded. Soon after the last ring, the house phone rang. I answer. The voice is small, squeeky and weak.
"Stace, my dad died"
"KIM? WHAT?"
We sat on the phone for a few minutes just crying. He was 63 years old. He had a siezure and died. My heart aches for her. What do you say to that call, what can you say? I said what anyone would say, I am so sorry, I am here for you if you need anything. Kim will be up next weekend to the Kokomo area to help her mom and brother make necessary arrangements. There will be no service or funeral, as he didn't want that. Kim's parents managed a storage unit facility, now they must decide if her mom can handle that on her own and if not, where is she going to move (they provided their apartment as payment for managing). IT is just something no one wants to have to think about in advance and something you DON'T want to have to worry about in a time like this. It has to be done though. I really want to drive down there one day to see her, but don't know if I would be in the way.
This whole thing brings up a really raw spot for me and my bioligical father. I have blogged about him before, though not here. I haven't spoken to him in over two years. Even before that our encounters were far and few between. When I did see him, it was an overwhelming amount of emotions that would pour out of me. Hurt, sadness, longing for a more regular relationship. After every meeting I would be drained from emotions and just left disappointed that his emotions didn't sway. He wasn't enthused seeing me and all of the things I have accomplished. He didn't stare at his grandkids with amazement. Atleast not in my observations. It was/is just hard to see him be so nonemotional compared to my RUSH of emotions. I have distance myself. I have stopped making the effort to throw myself out there to only feel empty in the end. He hasn't made any effort himself, but in a time like this I wonder. What if. What if he dies? What if I still have all this emotion for a man that is no longer here for me TO call? Ironically Sunday is his birthday. I am so torn. Do I put myself through another disappointing meeting, do I throw my heart out there to have nothing returned? Is it selfish of me to WANT anything in return? What guilt would I feel if I didn't put forth the effort? I don't know what guilt he may feel. I can speculate and judge, but I honestly don't know what he goes through in his daily life. I do know that in most alcoholics, they drink to take away any pain. How do I douse my pain?
My heart goes out to all people who have lost a parent/loved one. I don't know what I would do if I lost my mom. For that matter, I really don't know what I would do if I lost a "dad" that was really lost years ago.
"Stace, my dad died"
"KIM? WHAT?"
We sat on the phone for a few minutes just crying. He was 63 years old. He had a siezure and died. My heart aches for her. What do you say to that call, what can you say? I said what anyone would say, I am so sorry, I am here for you if you need anything. Kim will be up next weekend to the Kokomo area to help her mom and brother make necessary arrangements. There will be no service or funeral, as he didn't want that. Kim's parents managed a storage unit facility, now they must decide if her mom can handle that on her own and if not, where is she going to move (they provided their apartment as payment for managing). IT is just something no one wants to have to think about in advance and something you DON'T want to have to worry about in a time like this. It has to be done though. I really want to drive down there one day to see her, but don't know if I would be in the way.
This whole thing brings up a really raw spot for me and my bioligical father. I have blogged about him before, though not here. I haven't spoken to him in over two years. Even before that our encounters were far and few between. When I did see him, it was an overwhelming amount of emotions that would pour out of me. Hurt, sadness, longing for a more regular relationship. After every meeting I would be drained from emotions and just left disappointed that his emotions didn't sway. He wasn't enthused seeing me and all of the things I have accomplished. He didn't stare at his grandkids with amazement. Atleast not in my observations. It was/is just hard to see him be so nonemotional compared to my RUSH of emotions. I have distance myself. I have stopped making the effort to throw myself out there to only feel empty in the end. He hasn't made any effort himself, but in a time like this I wonder. What if. What if he dies? What if I still have all this emotion for a man that is no longer here for me TO call? Ironically Sunday is his birthday. I am so torn. Do I put myself through another disappointing meeting, do I throw my heart out there to have nothing returned? Is it selfish of me to WANT anything in return? What guilt would I feel if I didn't put forth the effort? I don't know what guilt he may feel. I can speculate and judge, but I honestly don't know what he goes through in his daily life. I do know that in most alcoholics, they drink to take away any pain. How do I douse my pain?
My heart goes out to all people who have lost a parent/loved one. I don't know what I would do if I lost my mom. For that matter, I really don't know what I would do if I lost a "dad" that was really lost years ago.
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