"It's not fair that mommy says daddy can't drink beer, but she can."
I looked at my friend, who looked at me.
I said to Bubba, "honey, it is daddy's choice to not drink beer and that is really an issue between mommy and daddy, not something you should worry about."
This statement has been ringing in my head. Why did he say that? Who did he hear that from? Is hubby saying this crap around my kids?
It would be typical and it is something hubby has alluded to in the past five months since he has stopped drinking.
I state over and over to myself, it IS HIS choice to quit drinking. My choice in the matter is I will not stay with him if he continues to drink or in this case resumes his drinking. It is all about our choices, he CHOSE to stop drinking to save his family. Why am I still taking the brunt of that choice, HIS choice?
It is all a vicious cycle of anger for me.
In lue of this, I attended counseling alone this week. To vent, yes. To release. I did, and I also listened. Whoa, I needed this meeting. I explained to her situations that were happening, how I reacted, how I felt and how I was beating myself up for those reactions and feelings. Second guessing myself, doubting myself.
She agreed with some of my assesments with myself and she disagreed. It was quite liberating to hear a "professional" tell me I wasn't crazy for my reactions OR feelings.
Sure there are things I need to work on, anger is a big one. I have lots of pent up anger. Towards my father, towards my hubby and towards others who have hurt me. I need to release, I need to reevaluate that anger in my life and get it out. The hard part is that anger is a little easier to feel than hurt.
Ever since my counseling I have been teetering on that hurt/anger ledge. I don't like it. Ever since that meeting more dreams of my father are coming to me at night and I don't like that either. However, I KNOW it is something I need to get through, I need to get this crap out and be done with it...or accept it and feel the hurt and let that little me feel that hurt, then maybe, just maybe I can move on.
Ugh, how did this get back to my father? On the hubby front, the therapist thinks that I need to work on me and then deal with the issue of my marriage. NOVEL idea, right? Well, I think so too.
Yikes! As soon as I read your son's comment, I thought the same thing: where did he hear that?
ReplyDeleteIt's absolutely indefensible to make comments about your spouse to your child.
ReplyDeleteI know my wife and I have frequently had rough times but I'd NEVER say anything remotely like that to my child...
Sounds like you have a stand up therapist there! Get the anger out Stacie so you can find happiness and peace.
ReplyDeleteThat is what I wish for you, dear friend.
I think your son is right, doesn't really matter who told him that. If you want your marriage to work then you need to make some sacrifices too- not drinking in front of your husband and not having alcohol in the house or attending events where alcohol will be present and "tempt" him would be a good start.
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ReplyDeleteSorry, I don't agree with Anon. You do not have the problem. He does. Not keeping alcohol in the house or drinking around him - your choice. His not drinking - yeah for him - complaining because he has the problem and you don't - not cool. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteSuze- you're failing to see that since she's married to him it's her problem too. And if she really wants him to stay sober then she'll do everything in her power to keep alcohol out of his sight. If she doesn't then she must not care that much.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that people cannot grasp the concept of choices. (I'm not talking present company dear fellow commenters) I have found very few people in my life who "get" that I made a choice not to live with a person (whether he admited it or not)who is an alcoholic. I always gave that person the choice of whether they stayed or left, but was very clear about the staying rules. As in...I do not wish to live with an alcoholic. I had to revisit that choice fairly recently, and in my extra years of experience was able to make my daughter's then boyfriend understand my choice and his choice. He said he'd leave, because (and I quote)"his drinking was important to him." Then he proceeded to tell me that had I waited three more days he would have paid me the rent he owed me. Um jerk.
ReplyDeleteHave your feelings dear. Feel them, embrace them, learn from them. They are your feelings and we do not ask to have certain ones. They are there for our safety.
Anon, it's not her problem too. I lived that life and it wasn't my problem. I took all the booze out of the my house, when my husband wanted to drink (and he did) he would just go and get it. He was, after all, over 21. (and he did go get it) You don't know how much alcohol went down the drain in my house to save my marriage...in the end it is up to the person with the problem, not the person who is married to him/her.
ReplyDeleteOh Stacie! You have a bit of a wild fire here. Been there and I feel for you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there and know that we love you and support you.
I pray that things work out and you are able to work through this. You are an amazing mom, my hat is off to you!
xoxo
Anna
Claudia- IT IS HER PROBLEM TOO- SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM! And it doesn't sound like she's pouring alcohol down the drain, she's keeping it around for herself. She can either choose to be supportive or selfish or end this before she and her children suffer anymore than they already have.
ReplyDeleteI accept all forms of advise here on staciesmadness!
ReplyDeleteI suggest that Anon pick up some codependency books and inform herself/himself on the issue. Controlling the surroundings for the alcoholic by keeping him away from "tempting" situations is, well, CONTROLLING. Controlling an outside force in which I have no control over. There isn't alcohol in my house, that is something I can control and do.
*whew* That's a lot of control words in one comment. :)
Anon-It's appears by your comments that you have never had to deal with this disease, if that is the case, I feel very fortunate for you!
Obviously it's your choice to deal w/ this as you see fit. I just think that since people only seem to submit "cushy" comments and tell you what you want to hear, you may not realize that there are other ways to look at the big picture. And for the record, I am "informed" on this issue.
ReplyDeletewow. just read all the comments... i avoid confrontation like the plague, so i will try not to piss anyone off.
ReplyDeletehere are a couple of cushy comments of my own. first, your husband should NOT be saying negative things about you to the children. that's bullshit. secondly, it was his choice to stop drinking. you shouldn't have to give it up too. there are alcoholics and then there are the rest of us. if he has a problem with having alcohol in the house, then he should have expressed that to you already. you are not being selfish, stacie.
I would have had the same thought - where did he hear that from? You are very brave to continue on a course towards a better marriage. If Hubby is resentful - that's his problem and, as you said, his choice. I'm proud of you!
ReplyDeleteI was curious where Bubba got that from as well! Hubby should not be talking bad about you in any way, shape or form around the kids.
ReplyDeleteI just read through all the comments and I am going to be honest. I have never dealt with something like this before. I can see where anonymous is coming from as well as the other commenters. I feel that I have no good advise because, who am I to give advise when I myself have never gone through what you are going through. Things are much easier said then done. I think you are handling things wonderfully. Hang in there!