Where do I go from here?

As I was lying in bed thinking of the elliptical trying to go to sleep, I had some thoughts pop into my head.

All joking aside. This is one of my sobering (literally) posts, so if you only come here for pictures, or erotic exercise love, move along.

I'll wait.


You're still here?
Ok.

Here is what I do know.
I know that alcoholism is a disease.
I know that the disease controls the person.
I know there isn't much I can do to stop the disease.
I know that I have no control over it, or what the person does about it.
I know that it can ruin lives and relationships.
I know that because of other's alcoholism, I have a messed up way of thinking in my own life.

What I don't know:
How to let it go.
How to love despite the disease.
How to reach out, without feeling disappointment.

Thoughts of my father, still pop up from time to time. The ringing sound in my heart chimes out WHY?

Why wasn't *I* enough for him to change?

Even though I know, I can't make anyone change. Even though I have never asked him to change, I have hoped and wanted for him to be an active part of my life.

Knowing these things and still living with these WHYS, I am confused on what to do with them, how to handle them.

The thoughts lead me straight to where I am today and the reasons I married hubby 2.

The honest reasons.

1) I knew he had a drinking problem. I knew I didn't like his drinking. As we took the vows of marriage, I had HOPED he would change. I wanted him to see that family was more important, that HIS needs weren't the only needs to be met.

(Something I wish that my father had done for me and my brother)

2) I had hoped that "making" him "see" that we were more important he would change, proving his love for us.

(Something I wish that my father would do- prove his love)

3) If he could change, then my father NOT changing or making me a priority in his life was because HE was the problem, not my lack of lovable characteristics.

(All I need is love)

4) If hubby would change, maybe then I would let my guard down to let love in.

(If I could let go of what I think love looks like or what love should or shouldn't do for me, maybe it wouldn't be so unrecognizable)

All of the wrong reasons to marry someone, I know that, and I admit that I made a mistake.

It's like I am searching for this love from outside sources that could NEVER be there in the capacity I want it to, or in the capacity that I need it to.

These posts take me forever to write because they feel so messed up, I feel messed up with these thoughts, but I don't know how to reason through them, I don't know how to make them "right". I don't know how to make any of them make sense to me.

With what I know, where do I go from there?

'Nother Open Letter.

Today is your birthday. At age 54, you still haven't become that father figure I wished you would become.

When I say, "father figure" maybe I don't even know if I know what that means. To me it means, a man. A man who loves his family, who cares about his family, who is involved in his family.

I can't speak for you, but I would guess you do love your family and you do care about your family. The involved part is where you fall short. The SHOWING you care and love your family is where the bottom drops.

I have grown up without the support of a father figure. You weren't there for birthdays, you weren't there for the first break up, you weren't there for the first born grandchild. You just weren't there. You still aren't there.

Without the support of a father figure I have turned to other men in my life to show me the love and support that I was so lacking from you. That is a large bill for someone else to pay. No other man can give me what you so selfishly kept from me. YOU.

You were young, I can give you that. I understand at the age of 20, when I was born, you probably didn't get what it meant for your life to have a child. I am sure that at 20 I didn't get what it would mean and change in my life.

Though now, at the age of 54, it seems you still don't get it. If you DO get it, you have given up! We have let the last 22 years go by and we have gotten comfortable in our role of no relationship.

For me it was easier. Easier to go on living the out of sight out of mind. I had to, what other choice was I given. It was either carry the ENTIRE relationship on my shoulders or rely on you to take some of the burden. Burden. That is exactly what it has felt like to me. It was a BURDEN to continue and maintain a relationship with me once Mom regained custody. At age 12, it wasn't something that should have been put on me to keep intact.

I feel disappointed with you, I feel hurt by you and I feel unloved by you. I want to know that I have made you proud, I want to know that you are sorry for how distant you have been, I want to know you care and have cared.

Most of all, I want you to know how I feel. I don't mean that I want to make you hurt, because I don't, but I want you to hear it from my mouth, understand it through my eyes, feel it through my heart. I want you to know.

*side note, I have put in two calls to my father for a "sit down and have coffee talk" with no return calls*

I'm afraid to jump.

Sitting in the kitchen of a friend's house after a fun labor day party and my four year old says out of the blue.

"It's not fair that mommy says daddy can't drink beer, but she can."

I looked at my friend, who looked at me.

I said to Bubba, "honey, it is daddy's choice to not drink beer and that is really an issue between mommy and daddy, not something you should worry about."

This statement has been ringing in my head. Why did he say that? Who did he hear that from? Is hubby saying this crap around my kids?

It would be typical and it is something hubby has alluded to in the past five months since he has stopped drinking.

I state over and over to myself, it IS HIS choice to quit drinking. My choice in the matter is I will not stay with him if he continues to drink or in this case resumes his drinking. It is all about our choices, he CHOSE to stop drinking to save his family. Why am I still taking the brunt of that choice, HIS choice?

It is all a vicious cycle of anger for me.

In lue of this, I attended counseling alone this week. To vent, yes. To release. I did, and I also listened. Whoa, I needed this meeting. I explained to her situations that were happening, how I reacted, how I felt and how I was beating myself up for those reactions and feelings. Second guessing myself, doubting myself.

She agreed with some of my assesments with myself and she disagreed. It was quite liberating to hear a "professional" tell me I wasn't crazy for my reactions OR feelings.

Sure there are things I need to work on, anger is a big one. I have lots of pent up anger. Towards my father, towards my hubby and towards others who have hurt me. I need to release, I need to reevaluate that anger in my life and get it out. The hard part is that anger is a little easier to feel than hurt.

Ever since my counseling I have been teetering on that hurt/anger ledge. I don't like it. Ever since that meeting more dreams of my father are coming to me at night and I don't like that either. However, I KNOW it is something I need to get through, I need to get this crap out and be done with it...or accept it and feel the hurt and let that little me feel that hurt, then maybe, just maybe I can move on.

Ugh, how did this get back to my father? On the hubby front, the therapist thinks that I need to work on me and then deal with the issue of my marriage. NOVEL idea, right? Well, I think so too.

Relapse

While exercising, taking time for me, I am reading a book. It's called Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie.

What I realized while reading is *I* had a relapse or what she likes to call a recycling of my codependent behavior. Much like when I started Al Anon over a year ago, my life was unmanageable, my emotions were overwhelming and my guilt reached its highest level of uncomfort ever. My Friday "episode" with hubby, was a recycle in MY recovery.

I let his anger and his hurtful words penetrate me. Even though I know what he was saying was not true, I still let them get a reaction out of me. I slipped in my own recovery and steps of letting go and detaching.

Often times I do slip, it is really hard for a codependent person to detach. Sometimes detaching feels very odd, lonely and wrong to me, a person who has revolved her life around doing for others and caring (sometimes obsessing) about what others think of me. However, when I detach as out of character as it feels, it ultimately feels great. Taking time for me, to think, reconnect and in the end make better decisions.

I have a hard time saying NO...not saying no to things my kids want, but saying no to situations that I don't want to do. Simple things like, watching someone else's kid, going to breakfast when all I feel like doing is sleeping in and lounging around in my pjs, etc.

The Saturday after the "episode" I had a very difficult time telling hubby that I DIDN'T want to see him on Saturday. I wanted the time away, to reflect, to spend the day with my kids without the anger lingering over me. I can extract myself from the anger a lot easier if he isn't around. I did tell him not to come over, but when he asked to come later, I couldn't say NO. I hated that I couldn't say NO. It still makes me angry that I couldn't just say no!

Similarly, Tuesday after counseling, hubby asked if I wanted him to come home for the night or go back to his moms. I was SCREAMING on the inside, NOOOO. It never came out of my mouth. It never even formed on my lips. My only reaction was to cry. He stayed. As much as I wanted to hide in a corner and just FEEL my emotions for myself. He stayed. I can't blame him, I didn't say NO.



When I started WW back in January, I had little confidence in myself losing this weight, but I did it. This recovery from codependency will be done as well. I will do this. I will have recycling moments, but hopefully I will catch them a lot quicker and recover from them in record time.

Hand over Mouth

I have nothing to write about, isn't that odd? *edit, guess I had a little to talk about seeing the length of the post* I have nothing to complain about...I mean I *could* complain, but really don't feel like it.

In Al Anon last night someone had a saying, He put his arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth. Well, I would say He has. One thing that I have learned through my Al Anon meetings and the crap that is going on in my marriage is that I CAN bite my tongue. I can refrain from the easy to come by tongue lashing.

I might have taken that a step too far, however. My hubby has not had a good couple of weeks with his not drinking decision. He has been pretty angry about not being "able" to drink. He thinks he was just in the bad habit of drinking daily, he really doesn't think he has the disease and wants to resume drinking on occasion. He wants to be a social drinker.

Well, that would be GREAT if he could ONLY be a social drinker, but how long until the social events take over and everyday is a social day? Back when he was drinking he really thrived on having people over...I think to make it a social event so that he felt like it was "ok" to drink.

So because I expressed my apprehensions about him being a social drinker he was pretty angry with me. I guess it is understandable, however, he needs to know that HE is in charge of his life. It isn't my decision, I am merely expressing my opinion in the most loving way I can.

In order to not be controlling, cause I can be kinda controlling, I have not stressed how much I think that he needs AA. I have brought it up a couple of times and told him how much Al Anon has helped me, but he hasn't really been open to the idea of going to AA himself. I haven't pushed the issue...there is a saying in Al Anon that if you express your opinion and KEEP expressing it until you get the result you want then you are controlling. So I have kept my mouth shut. In retelling this to members in my meeting last night, they gave a different way for me to look at it.

They said I could suggest it to help him, but not preach or demand he goes. That is so true and another aspect of detaching with love really. In those weekends that he was really struggling and having so many anger issues, I really should have said something about how AA would really help with those feelings. So the next time it comes up I am going to lovingly suggest a meeting and see where it goes.

It really is all so exhausting and I hope that one day...I won't be so wrapped up in it. I also know that he is just as exhausted, I wish that it could all be so much easier for both of us.

Square One

Hubby and I had a weekend that set us back to square one.
Square one in this little dance is not a good thing. I guess it could be normal to take these steps backwards, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Square one is denial.

Denial that alcohol caused a lot of the problems and issues in our relationship.
Denial that he has any part in that problem.
The anger that follows the denial is aggravating.
His anger, my anger.
All so draining.
My hope is diminished every time.
Hope is all I should have and it is squashed.


This weekend was reminiscent of the days before I filed for separation.

I feel exhausted and so turned upside down with his behavior. I don't know what to do.

What ifs

I am swimming in a pool of what ifs and if I am not careful they can drown me.




Here is the list.
What if:
He gets sober and it still doesn't work out for us?
He falls of the wagon and goes back to the drinking daily?
He gets sober and I can't forget/forgive?
He gets sober and things start improving?
He gets sober and becomes the person I think he can be?

What if:
I can't offer the support that he needs?
I can't change my ways enough to accept him back into my life?
It is too late for us?

Anyway, you get the idea. This weekend I attended an open AA meeting with him. I have been wanting to go to one for while, just never had the opportunity present itself. It is overwhelming hearing others talk about their addiction. It is sad to know that my husband struggles the way they do. It was stomach turning to be sitting there with him as he struggle through the embarrassment of being there, the awareness of his problem. Maybe some doubt that he is as bad as some of the other members there.

The whole thing made me crave a pack of smokes. Hello, my name is Stacie and I am addicted to cigarettes and I could smoke a whole hella pack right now.

Seriously though. It is hard to have him hurt, that is part of my enabling behavior. The following morning there was another meeting where an Al Anon member was going to be speaking. I strongly suggested he go listen, even though I couldn't attend. He actually went. I was proud of him for going. He said he really heard a lot of me in this woman talking and opened his eyes to the things that I have been through.

All seems so hopeful and encouraging. Probably why the what ifs and unknowns flooded me on my drive home. The idea of things getting better is just as scary as them staying the way the are. I know if I leave him I will be ok. I don't know if us working on things will end in me being OK. Sounds crazy.

Sobering Thought

It has been a little over a week since my husband moved out. He has not touched alcohol since and has researched some things on alcoholism. He has all but begged to come home, he has a very persuasive way about making me feel guilty. I should change this statement, really, I have let him make me feel guilty. I have felt guilty. HOWEVER, it is not enough to make me change my mind and invite him back into our home.

This process is going to take time. It isn't just a matter of not drinking for a week, a month or a lifetime. Sure it has been the number one issue in our marriage, but for as long as we have been together it has been a crutch to both of us. His crutch to escape and my crutch to justify my actions.

Growing up in with alcoholism in my family, I have learned really well how to build my wall of comfort around me. If there are cracks and some of their crap gets in on me, I quickly mend and patch over that feeling of disappointment. Never really dealing with it, but glossing it over to move on and continue to build that wall.

Sometimes the love that I do feel from my hubby is overwhelming. Hard for me to take and accept. The anger from his drinking has allowed me to use that excuse for pushing him away. Valid reason, but not entirely the truth.

I am afraid of love, I am afraid of affection. I deserve it, I yearn for it, but when I have it, I push it away...or it hits that brick wall and falls to the ground. I can't let it in. What if it tears down too much of my protection and exposes all of my other faults?

His efforts to not drink throw the ball back in my court to examine my own feelings of betrayal, all from alcoholic family members to my ex husbands infidelity. Those are scary feelings, those are incriminating hatred that I really haven't had to deal with. Ever. I know it is there and I know I have to deal with them, but I literally lose my breath when I think of them.

Please don't worry, I have made a counseling appointment to get through these issues. ;) Don't think I am falling off the bridge yelling " TO HELL WITH IT ALL "

:)
So in my thoughts when filing for separation, my first thought was RUN, RUN LIKE HELL, get the divorce don't let anymore time go by, just GET OUT. I couldn't do it. I think he deserves a chance to know I am serious about moving on. The RUN feeling though is about me not wanting to deal with my own feelings too and that wouldn't be fair. No matter how far and fast I run, they will still be my feelings and they aren't going anywhere until they are dealt with.

Of course there are going to be guidelines or boundaries that I want to establish. I want to make sure that I clearly know my limits and that I can clearly express them to hubby. These things will take time and I think quite a few marriage counseling appointments. Much to his dissappointment, I don't think he should be coming home anytime soon. For his own recovery, for MY recovery and for the good of our family.

So that is where I am girls. Exposing myself to you all again, at least I am quite a few pounds lighter ;).

Crossroads

This is where I stand. At a crossroad.

Down one road is my life as it is now...

Another road is what my life could be if changes are made....

The road I am on is bumpy, difficult and really not changing that I can forecast.

The what my life could be like is just as scary, difficult and FULL of changes.

Change can be good, change can be work. Am I ready for the work? Are my kids ready for the sudden change in direction. Is hubby ready?

This is what I have in my head at night as I am sorting through the array of things going on in my heart and mind while I lay quietly. Alone is the dominate feeling and it is isolating.

I don't see any changes in my marriage as it sits now. I want to see change that is over and beyond what can be accomplished. Change hasn't occurred in the last year that I have been struggling to get through. Though the pain has subsided some and the anger doesn't dwell for long, it is all still there. Popping up with each incident.

This past week I was at a family birthday party and as much as I think about how my situation is affecting my kids and as much as I have heard others say, "but what about the kids?" it never has hit me until this night. Sure I have thought about it, but my own needs and wants always seem to overshadow what they have to endure. (feels horrible admitting that)

Anyway me and the kids were at this party. Two adults had arrived separately and of course were leaving separately. As the mom called her 15 year old daughter to go the mom said,
"damn, I wanted you to drive your dad's truck!"

To which the 15 year old said,
"it's not MY fault that dad drank a million beers."

SILENCE. Silence in my heart, in my head. Suddenly, it made sense to me. MY GOD. That can be my kids in 10 years. Sure I won't make them responsible for taking their dad home from parties, but I won't be able to hide or shelter them from feeling the same as this teenager. At 15 you could hear her annoyance with her dad's actions, you could foresee her pain that she might have to endure as she gets older and moves on to dating herself.

Man. A ton of bricks were just thrown at me. Those feelings she spilled out on the floor are some of the same feelings I have flung around about my hubby. I have felt and said out loud that *I* am *NOT* his mother, if he wants to get drunk and drive that is his problem. Then I worry myself all the way home if he is going to make it home alive or not. OR I do drive him and have to listen to the snoring that pours out and the anger steams out of my ears.

That steam has clouded me. What about my kids? What about the constant turbulence they feel at home between me and hubby? Even if we aren't fighting right in front of them, which has happened too, they feel our distance. They feel the coldness. It's not fair to them.

Of course I discussed this with hubby who grew more and more defensive and claimed that the kids are just fine and that what he does has no affect on them. I don't know if he will ever get that it affects me, which affects the way I mother them. It does directly affect them when he is major crab continually or when he is disappearing to the basement to drink. IT DOES AFFECT THEM.

One year ago I was faced with this same crossroad. I chose the road that went forward with the bumps and with the fury, but this time, I feel like the roads are presenting themselves again and this time I am possibly going to take the next right.

Serenity NOW.

Are there any Seinfeld fans out there?

So usually after one of my fit throwing posts, I reflect and share an Al Anon one.

Al Anon IS my Serenity NOW! place. If any of you out there in the blogosphere are dealing with an alcoholic in your life go check out a meeting. You won't regret it!

Last night's topic, as most of the topics, was just spot on.

"How to help the alcoholic"

How you help the alcoholic is by changing YOUR behavior. In changing YOUR behavior you can possibly help that alcoholic see that they too need to change their behavior...and if they don't then in the end YOU will be ok, because you have changed yours.

We have a great group member that is a recovering addict. She offers us GREAT insight to the ways of an addicted person. She said she would feed off of the reactions of others and once they stopped reacting...she realised that SHE needed to make a change.

In a few of our readings another thing that stuck out in my mind with my situation is that the alcoholic usually feels guilty enough and is going through something that makes him/her drink to hide their pain or their problems. Why would you, the nonalcoholic, make it worse for them?

As hard as all this hits me I can feel you all shake your head. I know, I shake mine too. It angers me that I can't lay down a guilt trip to make them see what they are doing and how they are destroying their life, taking us down with them. BUT it sure does make sense.

He is drinking for a reason, reasons that I don't think I will ever know and for reasons that I don't think he will ever acknowledge. WHY must I make it worse for him, which makes it worse for me?

Hard concept to grasp, harder concept to instill. My actions have been MY actions for the 7 years we have been together. MY actions are MY actions that I have played out for many years before meeting him in dealing with other family members. I am not going to change them over a day, maybe not even over a year...I don't know when.

It is something I can work on though. It is something I *am* working on.


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On a lighter note...

I received another award...I really thank you Kami for passing this along to me...it makes me happy to know that my rawness speaks to you. ;)

Here is the most excellent award!



*blushes* thanks girl and I think the same of YOUR blog. :D

By accepting this Excellent Blog Award, I have to award it to 10 more people whose blogs I find worthy. In no particular order here, they are:

1. I just recently started reading this blog...and she makes me giggle...and blogs that make me giggle are TOPS in my book ;). So "Scarlett Wanna Be" at I'm no Belle, this award goes to you.

2. Another one that is new to my reading list is, Katie @ CuppaJoe she (like the others I read) makes me giggle.

Can you see, giggling might be a theme here.

3. Along with the giggle factors...this is another new read for me. Suze @ Suzel's Sass her posts are short and sweet and I can read them in between my boss walkin in and out.

4. Seems like I read a lot of blogs...but most have been awarded this award...so I am going to give shout outs to my FRIENDS that blog...I have given Jovi an award before because she is HIP. So Jovi @ Dodge a Wrench cheers!

5. Jovi just recently had the chance to visit another friend of ours Kacie @ Hear no Evil, See no Evil. Kacie is currently in NY training with her new guide dog. Check out Kacie's page and read about her new adventure with Honey and her reasons for getting a guide dog.

6. Andrea is a great person, I enjoy her posts and her friendship. Andrea @ Ordinary Life of a Mom. She is a master scrappin girl too, check out her scrapbook layout page too!

7. Jill...Jilly doesn't post enough, but maybe this award will give her the kick in the arse that Canuck needs ;). Jill @ This shit is Bananas take some more pictures with your new camera and show 'em off.

8. Tamara @ GuayaMama when she posts, she is hilarious. Don't even know if she is public to the blogging world.

9. Deirdre...new to the blogging (on blogspot) is the next person I am going to give a shout out too...Dre (affectionately known as Dr. Dre) @ The Motley Crew here's to you starting your blog...and all you do to raise some BEAUTIFUL kids. :)

Last but not least.

10. I enjoy reading this blog too, (of course cause I wouldn't nominate a really boring ugly blog, now would I?) so check out Lisa @ Take 90 West..you won't be disappointed.

TORNADO-the good, the bad, the ugly.

The good:
We purchased a new leather couch and love seat, it will be delivered on the 19th. I am so excited to get the stained furniture out of my living room. Though it is only going to the basement, the "living" area that we spend most of our time will have nice new seating!! Woohoo.

The bad:
This winter weather has been CRAZY. WE have at least 5 inches of rain that has fallen over our area in the last day. Last night there were tornado watches and warnings. That is crazy. What is going on with our weather? I think this is the weirdest winter I have seen!

The ugly:
My brother was arrested...AGAIN.
I am sick. I hardly slept last night with my thoughts running marathons in my head. The charge sickens me. He is charged with strangulation...omfg. He and his girlfriend's SON (18) got into a fight and my brother grabbed his neck to the point of impeding his breathe and slammed his head against the walls.

*deep breath* That rage makes me shake. Makes me sick and sad. My brother was intoxicated and taken to jail. If charges are pressed, he will be back in jail on battery charges and HONESTLY, if the son drops the charges I really don't know what will happen for my brother because he is STILL on probation from the last PRISON stay.

Seriously, PRISON. It amazes and infuriates me that this boy has not hit BOTTOM....MY bottom would have been the first prison stay. My brother (32) has completed THREE prison stays...and now is back in jail.

Who thought this blog was going to always be funny? LOL. I wish it could.

As a mother, I say let my brother rot in there for what he did to that boy. What if it had been worse? (The boy is OK, as far as I know) What if the "next" time (if the girlfriend is nuts enough to let there BE a next time) it goes to far and seriously injures someone or worse kills him?

What will it take, ya know. That is the question that just runs through my heart, head and boils my blood. WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR THESE ADDICTS TO SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

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Thanks to you all that commented on my last blog. NONE of it was taken poorly by me....LIZZY....what you said is completely valid and I TOTALLY understood what you were saying. I know you panicked when I didn't post and to that I say THANK YOU. It means you care, HUGS!!!

Also, as far as support groups, I do attend Al Anon. I go as often as my hubby's schedule allows. Though it hasn't made how I react to the addicts in my life differently (hopefully in time, but I am human) it has given me a sense of peace. The peace is a weird peace, it is calming to go there. To hear other stories of people going through very similar things with their loved ones. I enjoy going and ALWAYS feel better after attending. Here is my favorite quote from there, it has done me wonders to remember THIS.

I have also attending a little counseling and one of her suggestions was to write those that I am having issues with a letter. So. In all it's rawness and a part of me using my blog as therapy...here is the letter that I just might copy and send to my brother.
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Dear brother,

I wish you could see what your behaviors do to ALL OF US. I wish you could see that drinking (or doing drugs) does not BETTER your life, it may make you feel could while in use, but it only makes matters worse after the fact. I wish you could see how much you are KILLING our mother. I wish the love from all of us could be enough to get you to love yourself enough to STOP THE MADNESS.

This time felt different. This time I felt a crack in my wall that I have built up to protect me from you. THIS time I was feeling like you MIGHT have seen the light. I am so sad that it isn't true. There are no excuses for this last incident. There are hardly enough apologies that can erase this.

If I were your girlfriend, I would press charges against you for this. A is a CHILD, A doesn't deserve to be treated like this NO MATTER WHAT. I don't care if you were drunk, I don't care if you say you blacked out...there is no excuse and if I were him or your g/f, I would send you packing.

You are selfish. You are selfish to think that you can "handle" your alcohol. You are selfish to think that what you do in your daily life doesn't affect the rest of us.

My kids love you. My kids ADORE you. Do you know how much I would love to have a brother that I could rely on, that I could communicate with, a brother that I can HAVE? Do you know how hard it is to explain to Bugs and Bubs why their uncle HURT someone and is now in jail? Do you know how much I would love for you to be an Uncle to my kids? HOW, HOW can you be these things when you are too selfishly RUINING your life? How can I continue to let my kids know you when you aren't even GROWN up enough to keep yourself around?

You are right in not seeking out your own daughter, because as you said yourself you don't want to mess with her in that way or take her down like you feel our own father has us. I really respect you for thinking that way, but I also see it as a cop out to fixing yourself. You will go to her when you get yourself better? When will that be? She maybe better off never knowing you, as harsh as that may sound. I don't know if you will EVER have your shit together. That makes me sad and really angry.

I know you have no answers to these questions. I know that you have a problem with addiction. I really wish and HOPE that someday you will see the hurt you have put our family through. I HOPE that you will get some help in dealing with your problems. YOU are the only one that can make this change. YOU are the only one that can make YOUR life better.

I love you and I wish so much more for you than the life you are continuing to lead.

Love,
Stacie
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Ok, I feel a little better. Hmmm wonder where all my MADNESS comes from? I have ONE dysFUNctional family!

YIKES, thanks for reading and letting me get this off of my chest! Maybe my page title should be "come sit on my leather couch and be my therapist" or something MUCH more clever. ;)

whoa, the hesitation on posting this is overwhelming....here I go...I am jumping..........*cringe*

Not this year...

In my attendance at Al-Anon last night, this was the reading I had. It really hit home for me. As we are entering into this holiday season, I am going to keep reminding myself of this reading. I even earmarked it in the book.

"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."

Wow. Really.

I will not resent my brother for not being the "brother" that I want, he is the way he is and honestly, part of the reason he self medicates is because I don't think HE is the person he wants to be.

I will not resent my birth father for his lack of interest in his own children and grandchildren. He, too, doesn't know how to be any different. The disease has taken him on a lonely path in which the routes to get off are obvious, but maybe too painful to take.

I will not resent my husband. My resentment for him only makes me miserable and I want to enjoy the holidays.

As many of you may not know, last year was marked as one of my WORST Christmases EVER. I was on the verge of leaving my husband, but wanted to wait until the holidays were over. My brother and my relationship has strains and is often forced upon us by my mother to satisfy her own agenda. The minute my brother walked in the door, I couldn't breath. I had to go to the bathroom to try to compose myself. I had so much anger towards him, though the anger is still there I am not going to let it overwhelm me this year. Al anon has helped me in trying to channel my thoughts into a more positive light. I hope to really use these tools to get through the holidays. Last year I had to use one of their tactics to calm myself, which only made me EVEN more angry but this time at myself. I don't want to self medicate (beer, I am not talking Prozac or a hit of heroin) to handle THEIR issues and my over bearing resentment.

So, I am going to remember this reading and I am going to put my Al Anon book, Courage to Change, in my purse in case I need a reminder of WHO I am hurting by letting these feelings RUIN one of the most exciting holidays of the year.