This is where I stand. At a crossroad.
Down one road is my life as it is now...
Another road is what my life could be if changes are made....
The road I am on is bumpy, difficult and really not changing that I can forecast.
The what my life could be like is just as scary, difficult and FULL of changes.
Change can be good, change can be work. Am I ready for the work? Are my kids ready for the sudden change in direction. Is hubby ready?
This is what I have in my head at night as I am sorting through the array of things going on in my heart and mind while I lay quietly. Alone is the dominate feeling and it is isolating.
I don't see any changes in my marriage as it sits now. I want to see change that is over and beyond what can be accomplished. Change hasn't occurred in the last year that I have been struggling to get through. Though the pain has subsided some and the anger doesn't dwell for long, it is all still there. Popping up with each incident.
This past week I was at a family birthday party and as much as I think about how my situation is affecting my kids and as much as I have heard others say, "but what about the kids?" it never has hit me until this night. Sure I have thought about it, but my own needs and wants always seem to overshadow what they have to endure. (feels horrible admitting that)
Anyway me and the kids were at this party. Two adults had arrived separately and of course were leaving separately. As the mom called her 15 year old daughter to go the mom said,
"damn, I wanted you to drive your dad's truck!"
To which the 15 year old said,
"it's not MY fault that dad drank a million beers."
SILENCE. Silence in my heart, in my head. Suddenly, it made sense to me. MY GOD. That can be my kids in 10 years. Sure I won't make them responsible for taking their dad home from parties, but I won't be able to hide or shelter them from feeling the same as this teenager. At 15 you could hear her annoyance with her dad's actions, you could foresee her pain that she might have to endure as she gets older and moves on to dating herself.
Man. A ton of bricks were just thrown at me. Those feelings she spilled out on the floor are some of the same feelings I have flung around about my hubby. I have felt and said out loud that *I* am *NOT* his mother, if he wants to get drunk and drive that is his problem. Then I worry myself all the way home if he is going to make it home alive or not. OR I do drive him and have to listen to the snoring that pours out and the anger steams out of my ears.
That steam has clouded me. What about my kids? What about the constant turbulence they feel at home between me and hubby? Even if we aren't fighting right in front of them, which has happened too, they feel our distance. They feel the coldness. It's not fair to them.
Of course I discussed this with hubby who grew more and more defensive and claimed that the kids are just fine and that what he does has no affect on them. I don't know if he will ever get that it affects me, which affects the way I mother them. It does directly affect them when he is major crab continually or when he is disappearing to the basement to drink. IT DOES AFFECT THEM.
One year ago I was faced with this same crossroad. I chose the road that went forward with the bumps and with the fury, but this time, I feel like the roads are presenting themselves again and this time I am possibly going to take the next right.
