In my attendance at Al-Anon last night, this was the reading I had. It really hit home for me. As we are entering into this holiday season, I am going to keep reminding myself of this reading. I even earmarked it in the book.
"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
Wow. Really.
I will not resent my brother for not being the "brother" that I want, he is the way he is and honestly, part of the reason he self medicates is because I don't think HE is the person he wants to be.
I will not resent my birth father for his lack of interest in his own children and grandchildren. He, too, doesn't know how to be any different. The disease has taken him on a lonely path in which the routes to get off are obvious, but maybe too painful to take.
I will not resent my husband. My resentment for him only makes me miserable and I want to enjoy the holidays.
As many of you may not know, last year was marked as one of my WORST Christmases EVER. I was on the verge of leaving my husband, but wanted to wait until the holidays were over. My brother and my relationship has strains and is often forced upon us by my mother to satisfy her own agenda. The minute my brother walked in the door, I couldn't breath. I had to go to the bathroom to try to compose myself. I had so much anger towards him, though the anger is still there I am not going to let it overwhelm me this year. Al anon has helped me in trying to channel my thoughts into a more positive light. I hope to really use these tools to get through the holidays. Last year I had to use one of their tactics to calm myself, which only made me EVEN more angry but this time at myself. I don't want to self medicate (beer, I am not talking Prozac or a hit of heroin) to handle THEIR issues and my over bearing resentment.
So, I am going to remember this reading and I am going to put my Al Anon book, Courage to Change, in my purse in case I need a reminder of WHO I am hurting by letting these feelings RUIN one of the most exciting holidays of the year.
You go girl! That's a big load to bear and it must be done with care...
ReplyDeleteI hope this year is nothing like last year!
BIG HUGS!!
Stacie,
ReplyDeleteI think what you are doing is very courageous, both for yourself and for your brother, too. You are taking responsiblity for your own feelings, he obviously hasn't figured that out yet, but don't give up hope, he may someday. Family dimensions can be so difficult sometimes, knowing what is the right thing to do is not always clear. Hang in there, you're moving in the right direction. Take care!
I have to tell you that I get your blog name stuck in my head whenever I feel like I should be doing something "constructive" with my time instead of sitting here blogging. damn you- back at ya!
ReplyDeleteHappy Turkey Day!
Wow...sounds like you've been deeply wounded, but I hope through the help you've been getting that you see you're becoming the person you want to be, and not being controlled by others. Good for you for taking the steps and being brave enough to face such hard circumstances. Best wishes to you and your family...extended and immediate! I'll be tuning in to see how things go for you!
ReplyDelete~Liz
http://www.4guysn1liz.blogspot.com
yep, yep, yep! my dad's dad was an alcoholic and when he was a jerk (a lot- and then he cut all of us out of his life when i was 11) my dad would always tell us "this is NOT what he wants, but he can't figure out how to do it differently. this doesn't make him happy".
ReplyDeletemy dad's pretty smart. and you are doing beautifully yourself!