Here is the list.
What if:
He gets sober and it still doesn't work out for us?
He falls of the wagon and goes back to the drinking daily?
He gets sober and I can't forget/forgive?
He gets sober and things start improving?
He gets sober and becomes the person I think he can be?
What if:
I can't offer the support that he needs?
I can't change my ways enough to accept him back into my life?
It is too late for us?
Anyway, you get the idea. This weekend I attended an open AA meeting with him. I have been wanting to go to one for while, just never had the opportunity present itself. It is overwhelming hearing others talk about their addiction. It is sad to know that my husband struggles the way they do. It was stomach turning to be sitting there with him as he struggle through the embarrassment of being there, the awareness of his problem. Maybe some doubt that he is as bad as some of the other members there.
The whole thing made me crave a pack of smokes. Hello, my name is Stacie and I am addicted to cigarettes and I could smoke a whole hella pack right now.
Seriously though. It is hard to have him hurt, that is part of my enabling behavior. The following morning there was another meeting where an Al Anon member was going to be speaking. I strongly suggested he go listen, even though I couldn't attend. He actually went. I was proud of him for going. He said he really heard a lot of me in this woman talking and opened his eyes to the things that I have been through.
All seems so hopeful and encouraging. Probably why the what ifs and unknowns flooded me on my drive home. The idea of things getting better is just as scary as them staying the way the are. I know if I leave him I will be ok. I don't know if us working on things will end in me being OK. Sounds crazy.
I hear you Stacie and I think it's really fear of the unknown. You know what it will be like if you walk away but if you stick it out? It's all up in the air. I think he is moving in the right direction, from what you mention here. Try to have faith. That's what will get you though, it really will.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs and I LOVE the new St. Patty's day pictures, very nice!
This is perfectly healthy and part of the process (whatever that process may be). You are strong and inspiring - I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes our mind is our own worst enemy - trust your heart. When the time comes, you'll know what to do. Whether that means stay or go. I'm sending you all sorts of e-encouragement through the interwebs!!
ReplyDeleteLove the new pictures!!
I just think you need time. You both need time to recover and heal. Those answers will come with time.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you sound crazy, just human. Give yourself time...you are doing the best you can!
ReplyDeleteKimmy
here's what i think, stace, and of course bear in mind that i am a champion worrier-about-things-that-haven't-yet-happend-and -might-not.
ReplyDeletethe bottom line question is: do you want a life with him if he's sober. no! don't ask what if it doesn't work, just answer that question. i know it's hard cause it leads to so many more, but i think that somewhere in you, you know, or can know. and then you go from there. if you say yes, you do it doesn't mean it will all work out of course, but...what's coming will come, and you will meet it when it does (to paraphrase HP, lol). you can't change the past and you don't know the future, but you are in the now, so make that as you want it to be, to the best of your ability.
and i think it's great that he's starting to see.
You are not crazy. You are committed to seeing this through. To trying. To not giving up . . . too soon. You have to do what is best for you . . . whatever that may be.
ReplyDeleteThis is so not crazy, and there is not one part of this that I envy. You are a forgiving and strong person. Just keep the responsibility on him. You know he's the only one really that can do this.
ReplyDeleteHi, Stacie!
ReplyDeleteOh, man! There are no easy answers, are there? I really liked what jovi said, and I think there's alot of truth to that. Your heart, ultimately, is going to lead you in the right direction. It will let you know, one way or the other, at the right time, what to do. The other thing to remember is this, the problems that your husband and the both of you are facing were not created in a day, or a week or a month. They grew over time. It may take just as long to figure things out. I think you should cut yourself some slack and just take things one day at a time, as they come, you know?
Just got caught up on your posts and I'm cracking up! I am so with you, hold those pretty babies until they poop or spit up, then hand them BACK! :o) Take it easy, and do not fret about gaining a pound, it's just your bodies way of fighting for control, you show it who's boss!
Lizzy
Don't drive yourself crazy with the what ifs - espcially so early in the game. Just try and take things one day at a time, I am sure there will be setbacks but just one day at a time for now. In about 6 months to a year we can start talking about the what its.
ReplyDeleteOh, Stacie, this is so hard. I'm just echoing what everyone else said, but - I've been so impressed with how strong you seem. How clearly you are thinking, in an impossible situation. Hang in there. {{hugs}}
ReplyDelete