More and more Weiner talk.

All this Weiner talk would usually have me turned on...except, I'm TOTALLY annoyed.

(that card kinda helped...)

I think back to my first marriage, where infidelity was a reality.

I can't even IMAGINE how difficult it had to be for him to carry out this infidelity without the world wide web to help facilitate it; without a cell phone to sext or send pictures back and forth.

*wipes the sarcasm dripping from her mouth*

Maybe he is to be commended for actually committing adultery without an easier paved avenue.

*ahem*

Look how easy it is now for instant gratification.

It makes the whole thing muckier...and I don't like muckiness.

Is flirty texting considered "cheating"?  Is sending lewd pictures of yourself to someone OTHER than your significant other "cheating"?  Where do you consider the line to be drawn?

Now you can have "relations" with other people without even laying a finger on them...is THAT cheating?

I don't have the answers, but here is my bottom line....

It's almost as devastating. It's still a betrayal.  A betrayal of trust.

Period.

Is that what you really want to put your significant other through? 

Golden rule people...Treat others as you wish to be treated.  If you found your partner doing those things how you would feel?  Would you feel cheated?  Betrayed? 

Act as you wish your partner to act.  Simple enough, isn't it?

I feel really sad for his pregnant wife. What a shame.


Seriously.

(are the cards helping to lighten the mood of the post???)

meh.

*Twirl Twirl*

I've got nothing for ya today.

I am still reeling over this new "move" on Friday. I am besides myself with excitement. What will I do first???

Who knows? But it will be for me and not for anyone else.

There will be no more tippy-toeing around someone else to keep the peace.

There will be no more forced "family dinners".

The air will be tension free.

I mean, I just can't stop smiling.

I will roll around in the freedom, dance in the peace and throw my hands up in praise.

Rocking even more...I only work 1/2 day on Friday...so let the fun begin early!!

Where do I go from here?

As I was lying in bed thinking of the elliptical trying to go to sleep, I had some thoughts pop into my head.

All joking aside. This is one of my sobering (literally) posts, so if you only come here for pictures, or erotic exercise love, move along.

I'll wait.


You're still here?
Ok.

Here is what I do know.
I know that alcoholism is a disease.
I know that the disease controls the person.
I know there isn't much I can do to stop the disease.
I know that I have no control over it, or what the person does about it.
I know that it can ruin lives and relationships.
I know that because of other's alcoholism, I have a messed up way of thinking in my own life.

What I don't know:
How to let it go.
How to love despite the disease.
How to reach out, without feeling disappointment.

Thoughts of my father, still pop up from time to time. The ringing sound in my heart chimes out WHY?

Why wasn't *I* enough for him to change?

Even though I know, I can't make anyone change. Even though I have never asked him to change, I have hoped and wanted for him to be an active part of my life.

Knowing these things and still living with these WHYS, I am confused on what to do with them, how to handle them.

The thoughts lead me straight to where I am today and the reasons I married hubby 2.

The honest reasons.

1) I knew he had a drinking problem. I knew I didn't like his drinking. As we took the vows of marriage, I had HOPED he would change. I wanted him to see that family was more important, that HIS needs weren't the only needs to be met.

(Something I wish that my father had done for me and my brother)

2) I had hoped that "making" him "see" that we were more important he would change, proving his love for us.

(Something I wish that my father would do- prove his love)

3) If he could change, then my father NOT changing or making me a priority in his life was because HE was the problem, not my lack of lovable characteristics.

(All I need is love)

4) If hubby would change, maybe then I would let my guard down to let love in.

(If I could let go of what I think love looks like or what love should or shouldn't do for me, maybe it wouldn't be so unrecognizable)

All of the wrong reasons to marry someone, I know that, and I admit that I made a mistake.

It's like I am searching for this love from outside sources that could NEVER be there in the capacity I want it to, or in the capacity that I need it to.

These posts take me forever to write because they feel so messed up, I feel messed up with these thoughts, but I don't know how to reason through them, I don't know how to make them "right". I don't know how to make any of them make sense to me.

With what I know, where do I go from there?

Life with Keyboard functions.

I wish (sometimes) that my life could have key functions like a keyboard. Specifically the "backspace" key or the (F&*%) symbol keys to edit my language. Oh, how about the ENTER key.
<.enter>
<.enter>
It's a good one too. (sounds dirty, HIT ENTER NOW <.enter>....AGAIN)

I'd like to backspace some things that have gone on around me lately. Well, not really gone on AROUND me, but some thing *I* did lately. And well, even putting it that way you would assume that I only did this stupid thing ONCE...and that is not the case.

OH, hey, I heard a new word in my comments yesterday. Ellipsis...and I...love...ellipsis...too...thank you Laskigal!!

(sorry, where was I)


I wish I had a big f*cking backspace key for my life.

Hubby number one...opps backspace backspace.

Hubby number two...WHOOPS I DID IT AGAIN. Backspace backspace backspace.

BUT then backspacing them out of my life story would mean not having my beautiful children.

SHIT. Retype.

We can't backspace over our mistakes, that isn't the case with real life. How much fun would it be if we all could sensor out only the bad stuff, leaving a storybook cover for the world to read?

If everyone was perfect, then it would be a boring world. Or something so minute as farting in public (completely natural btw. just sayin) would be as atrocious as, I don't know, having 8 babies when you already have 6 at home.

What I do know is that Fiber One bars are suppose to be my friend and I am not perfect. No amount of backspacing or editing can make me perfect, only future LIVING and future LEARNING can be my goal.

One more thing I know...I might be a little crazy (after rereading this post)!

Power of the bird.

The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the WORD.

For me, there is something so powerful in flipping the bird. It just makes me feel crazy satisfied.

*rewind*
When I was six months pregnant with Buggy, her father moved out of our home. It was devastating, though I KNEW it was coming (woman's intuition), it broke me. Yet I was carrying a life, a life that I wanted so badly. I muddled through, I got myself into therapy, to keep my sanity through it all, to try to take care of ME so that the pregnancy and baby could be healthy. Healthy me = Healthy baby.

Through that therapy, there was still the hope hubby1 and I would reconcile (stupid looking back on it now). I hoped that he would see the life we created and WANT back into it. That was NOT the case, obviously.

One day after a really good therapy session, I went to meet him at a park. I still can remember the day clearly. There were things I wanted to say, they were fresh in my mind from the session, I wanted him to HEAR me and underneath it all, I wanted him to embrace me. I wanted him to apologize and come home, make it work.

That was NOT the case, obviously.

It was a beautiful day, cool, breezy, sunny. I said what I wanted to say, he listened but had no spoken response. His face said it all, to this day that face angers me. It is a smirk with a spark of condescending glazed eyes. As soon as he flashed this "face" at me, I lost it. That look, pushes me over a shaky edge, STILL it sends me to looney town.

I got into my car, just seething with anger, sadness and pure shock. As I drove away, I rolled down my window with a slam of the button, I thrusted my arm out of the window and flipped him the bird. My arm tightened as I flew that bird high; if I could make lightening flash from the end of my finger it would have happen at that moment. That bird soared at least three blocks from the park.

As I pulled my arm in and rolled up the window, I giggled. That actually felt good. My arm was a little sore the next day, so worth it.

*current day*

Hubby2 and I are going through a divorce. He is currently still in the home. It is not fun, it is not fun at all. I have been putting up with it, I have been putting on the "fake" for a very long time. It was bound to crack and crack it sure did.

I blew UP the other night, it was not pretty. If it were recorded on tape, I am sure I resembled the exorcist girl; I am SURE my head spun around.

In the middle of the explosion, I got that same smirky face from Hubby 2 (seriously, do they teach you guys this while the girls are having the menstrual talk?)

As soon as I saw the look, The Bird peaked it's head out of the sleepy nest and was ready for action. (and that whole sentence was a "that's what HE said" gutter)

Let it fly, I did. This time though, being a more frequent flyer, I bumped it up to a first class double flyer. Two Birds, double action, pumped up and down in a machine gun style. (There might have been a little jig with my feet too; I can't say)


How is it that just a simple hand gesture can feel so powerful, so therapeutic?

A hunting he will go...

It's that time again.

No, not your normal Holiday hustle and bustle post, though that is in full swing as well.

It is the annual manly hunting trip. A trip that hubby and I decided he wouldn't be attending this year due to the cost of the upcoming Disney trip. Yet weeks before said trip was to begin, he decided he was going anyway.

But whatever.

I am looking forward to not having to deal with him this week. I am looking forward to doing my own thing, kids in tow.

I look forward to answering the phone, IF I WANT TO. I am looking forward to cooking as many healthy meals as I want, not worrying one bit if he is going to like it or not. (not that I really worry about it anyway)

Overall, I am just looking forward to this week, PERIOD. It is a much different feeling than last year. Sure last year I toyed with the ideas of being a single mom, (which, can there be a different name for it than SINGLE mom?) this year, the reality of it is coming to surface.

I am not scared. I am not scared about all the things that will lie solely on my shoulders, because, for the most part, it has felt like the world (my world) has laid there all along.

The only part that remotely intimidates me is the finances, (says one scared mom who just received her first GINORMOUS bill from the lawyer) making it all alone on my salary. Yes there will be child support, but when the preliminary numbers were dispersed, I almost choked. We will definitely have to cut back, reevaluate the things that we (and by we, I mean ME) have deemed "necessary".

Even this challenge though, excites me a little.

I am ready to do this alone, I am ready for the rewards that will come to me. I know there will be a great self confidence to be gained here.

Ok, maybe I am HOPING there will be a great self confidence to be gained. Where there is hope there is um, hope.

Well, this day marks day one (of the rest of my life, hahah, not really) of this year's hunting trip. So far, sooooo GOOD. I have some chores to get done before my work week starts, so I shall move on. I hope you all are having a great weekend.

Check out the previous two posts for some fun give-aways on other blogs. Keep your fingers crossed for me to win ;), that is unless you are playing along too, then of course I hope YOU win (liar, liar).

Tizzy

I am just in a tizzy today. So many reasons, but really it all boils down to me. Grab a coffee and sit back while I just shoot off the reasons I am all up in arms.


Things you SHOULDN'T do because it will send me over the edge.

1) Sell girl scout cookies to your buddies at work and then when they pay you, pocket the money as your OWN spending cash claiming to have saved in ATM fees...and now taking a hit to our personal account (to the tune of $200) to PAY back the girl scout cookie money.

2) Leave for a Nebraska hunting trip, but expect ME to take the kids to see YOUR mom on Thanksgiving even though I have ALREADY told you I am going to St. Louis that day. No I will not stop off, if I am avoiding MY family for the day, I am sure as hell avoiding yours as well.(No offense to the in-laws, I really do like them, but it is the principle)

so I guess that's it.

I am just fed up with SOMEONE doing as they damn well please while the rest of us *cough me cough* have to be responsible financially and "in charge" of keeping family visits in check.

There is another thing that just has me in a tizzy (I don't know why I have chosen "tizzy" as the word of the day, but big kudos to any of you who want to use it today in YOUR post. There is no award, except my undying devotion to commenting on your blog and give BIG UPS to you.)

So, if you remember, we have this whole Disney trip planned for Christmas. It literally has been the works for two years. I have saved my bonus checks for this time to help pay for this extravagant trip. I have tossed and turned about the kid's excitement to be down there on Christmas morning. I have tossed and turned about the kid's lack of excitement when "Santa" doesn't really PROVIDE the number of presents that he normally does.

When this trip was finally booked, there was the unsettling reality that hubby and I were heading down an ugly path. That our future was not for sure or definite. Yet I booked it. A ticket in his name. Merely two months later, I had finally had enough. I made up my mind. Something that had been lingering in my noggin for AT LEAST the past two years.

(right now at this point, this post can go in three different directions so I will try to stay on the original plan...and maybe take the other directions at a later time)

Now that I have made my decision to get out of the marriage and MEAN IT this time, I am left with this "family" vacation that should be dreamy and satisfying yet it isn't REALLY going to be all that.

I don't mean that it ISN'T going to be GREAT for the kids...cause I sure as hell know how to put on a HAPPY FACE for them, hell I have been muddling through that like I said for the past few years.

But, I can't help but think, shit. This is like the last supper. The LAST family vacation with me, hubby and the kids. It doesn't make ME sad, because this is my decision to leave. However, what will it present like to the kids? After it is all said and done, will they view Disney as a land of dreams and fairy tales only to be told a while after that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce?

It's like, hey kids here is a tiny family nugget you can hold onto forever because it will be the last.

Really though, maybe I am just over analyzing. The word ANAL is in the word for a reason..I am anally obsessing about what the end result of the marriage is going to do to the kids. When in actuality, I think it is going to happen much later AFTER the Disney trip so I don't think they will link the two, but I hope that isn't wishful thinking.

UGH. I am going to try to put it all aside and remember the good about this trip and hope that in the end, it doesn't come off as I am overanalyzing it to be.

LoveStoned

Love this song but the MIGHTY FINE Justin Timberlake.

****warning, some dirty talk...beware, if you don't want to hear, read tomorrow where I might be back to my normal broadcasting****

The other night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about things I want to improve upon in myself. One of the things that I have been digging at is my issues with my father...and wondering how it my have scripted my relationships I have had growing up.

In some ways, it has left me feeling unlovable. I know, you all are going to post nice things and say that I am lovable (your check is in the mail) but REALLY...(I might even close comments on this) as embarrassing and as much as I know it is untrue, I do have that feeling.

Not to say, that I haven't come a long way, because, oh friends, I have. Come a long way.

It is just still there. A little.

I look back on past relationships, there really weren't too many that stand out. I was a one man girl (except for a couple "slips" and then that one year I attended Ball State University, but I digress). I usually was the girl with a boyfriend, all.the.time.

I couldn't be alone, didn't want to be alone and really I feel like I jumped into a relationship with current hubby for the same reason.

I think I just wanted to be LOVED. PERIOD. Who doesn't want that?

My first real love was (as I remember) perfect. I don't think I am over dramatizing it either, it was real, it was simple, it was perfect. When he went on to college and I was still in high school, I thought we should break up. HE should have the time of his life and somehow I didn't think I fit into it. NOW I think, I might have been putting him to a test and he FAILED by taking the bait.

It was a miserable year for me. My grades dropped and I was just broken.

Then came MR GET LAID, we dated for quite a while, once he got what he wanted (which did take some time) he and I split. Besides the fact that he "disappeared" at prom and was "seen" with his ex girlfriend dancing. Whateva. He failed all things not even tested.

Third love in high school was a NICE GUY. Sweet Virgin and I dated most of my senior year. I got most of what I needed from him as far as love, acceptance and such...and what do I do? I cheat on him with First Love. (you can only do so many blow jobs before you want the "real" thing)(and nothing beats a first love, ever)(not that I am condoning what I did in any way, whatsoever)

After high school I went off to BSU and well, um, yeah.

After my year of "fun" I had to come back to reality and move back home. First guy that shows interest when I move back becomes hubby number 1, though, he is NOT A #1 HUBBY TO ME... therefore he is EX # 1.

I thought we had a good relationship, though I see now it was a parallel one. He did his thing, I did my thing, and we met in the middle sometimes (rarely). I would attend all kinds of parties alone. They all joked around about if I was REALLY married.

There were times in our marriage that I remember playing hard to get, in so many ways. Almost testing him to see how he would react...if he would keep trying, if he would stop loving me. It's stupid, I know that now.

After a miscarriage and another pregnancy (Buggy) it became obvious that he had moved to "greener" pastures. He left when I was six months pregnant, swearing he wasn't with "anyone"...we were divorced six months after Buggy was born.

On to Current Hubby, I knew him through some friends, I knew by the way that he looked at me that he was interested. I had a friend set us up. Buggy was four months old, I was sexually frustrated, I was needing to feel loved by a man. He fit the bill, he was really into me and I was thankful to have someone.

He loves me in his own way, but it isn't (as you all have read) a mature love or a healthy love.

I don't really know where this post is going, but after all this reflection I am not so eager to be in a relationship again, for my own healthy reasons. There is so much I need to do to give myself the love that I have been searching for all this time. To give myself the unconditional love.

It is my time to love me.

Safety Nets, sometimes have holes.

So this past weekend was classic. One of the many reasons that I am unhappy in my situation.

I got a call on Friday from hubby, he says him and bubba went to Bass Pro Shop. NO biggy. He then says, "I got Bubs something that you are going to be mad about."

Not wanting to be on the phone with him at work, I said, "ok."

When I arrived home, Hubby prompted Bubba to tell me what they had been up to while I was away at work.

Bubba, with his 4 year old memory, couldn't tell me. After about five minutes of this prompting, I looked at Hubs and said, "Why don't YOU tell me what you guys have been doing."

He looks at Bubba, smiles and continues to prompt.

Here is what I got from the pushing. They went to my parent's house and shot a BB gun. Hm, OK.

Most of my family are hunters. I didn't think anymore about it, not until Sunday morning.

Bubba is at the table eating his pancakes and he is talking about his daddy buying him a BB gun.

"What?" I say as the pancake starts to burn in the pan.

"My new BB gun, first thing to remember is safety, Mom" he says.

Confused, I ask again, "Daddy bought you a BB gun? You didn't use your cousin's gun at Grampy's house?"

"No, DADDY" he starts speaking slowly as if I am stupid, "BOUGHT ME A BB GUN."

Oh, now the smoke coming from the stove isn't the pancakes at all. I am fuming.

A few minutes later hubby finally gets up...and I run into him in the hallway. I was trying to be diplomatic about the situation, trying remaining calm, but it doesn't come out that way as soon as I see him.

"You BOUGHT Bubba a BB gun?" *whew say that fast five times*

"yeah, I told you that I did." He said.

"YEAH, NO YOU DIDN'T, you pussyfooted around about shooting a BB gun. YOU didn't say anything you prompted Bubba to say it all. Why didn't you talk to me about the purchase FIRST? Why do you think a 4 year old needs a BB gun? Where do you get off making a purchase KNOWING it will piss me off?"

He had nothing to say.

I go back to cooking pancakes and I am so mad that I am shaking. I start to cry. It is so frustrating to be in a relationship where my thoughts and opinions are not even considered. Or that my thoughts and opinions are known and one goes behind my back and does it anyway. This has been classic Hubby moves since day one. It is belittling and frustrating to me.

He apologizes and says that he didn't know it would make me this upset, which I refuse to believe. He knew damn well it was going to make me mad, he even prefaced the phone call with the exact words, "I bought something for Bubba that is probably going to make you mad" so no amount of back peddling is going to remedy this. I am tired of not being heard, I am tired of dealing with a teenage attitude of 'I want it so I am going to get it no matter what' (this is hubby's attitude, not the 4 year olds sadly).

**************************
After discussing this with a friend it has become clear to me that I have stayed in this marriage in order to "safety net" my kids from an alcoholic father...seems backwards, but I have been there to hurry them away if things are too deep. I am there to cushion the blows, or even block them before the come near.

Now they are older and he has stopped drinking, I have felt like it is time for me to stand up and say ENOUGH, I deserve to be happy. I am faced with a case this weekend that reminds me that I will NOT be able to safety net them all.the.time. That scares me. It also makes me psycho mom thinking of all the ways he can hurt them, what if he starts drinking again, etc.

It is the fear of the unknown again, I guess. However, I do feel like I have the strength and the love to safety net these kids when.I.can. Hopefully that will be enough.

Mom, Best Friend.

*my mom and buggy*



For the past week, I have known. I have known why my mom wanted to meet.

As soon as I agreed to the dinner, I felt paralyzed. I knew what was coming. I didn't know how to feel, what I was going to say in rebuttal to her news. I was contemplating cancelling.

I didn't. I needed to hear it for myself and I stifled any fear to be able to hear it from her mouth. I stopped trying to predict what was going to go down.

I arrive at the restaurant to meet her, she called and said she would be running late, but she was on her way. I ordered a beer, nice ice cold beer, hoping to calm any nerves that were bursting under my skin.

I wait. I observe other patrons of the restaurant. Mostly couples, some having nice quiet conversations, others eating (quite loudly, I might add). I chuckled at the mouth smacking noise from one table. It, in all its nastiness, provided me with the small comical relief I needed.

My mom arrived, looking beautiful. She is beautiful. She has been through a lot in her life, she wears her heart on her sleeve. The pain, the sadness, the wear and tear shows, and yet to me, she is radiant. I think for a moment, I have been blessed with some great genes.

We hug and sit down to be greeted by the waitress for our drink order.
Mom starts with the typical small talk; she asks how I have been, how are the kids. The normal small talk that we have every time we see each other. I answer just as normally.

After that business is done, she sighs. Here it comes, I think, the moment I have been predicting for the past few days. I interrupt the awkward silence with my normal blunt (I'm feeling awkward) poise.

"Mom, I think I know what you are going to say, so just say it."

So she does. It is as I expected. Her and my step dad are ending their marriage of 23 years. She hasn't been happy for a long time, she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life unhappy. She is 50 now and she just can't see spending the next (hopefully) 30 years of her life in the same why she has spent the previous 30.

I remain quiet, oddly calm, relieved that I knew it was coming and I didn't explode into a thousand pieces.

There is nothing more that I want than for the family and friends around me to be happy. I have come to know that it is their decision to get there, it is their journey. I have the pleasure of sitting by and watching, good and bad. I just want the end result to bring them peace and happiness.

I want this for my mom. No matter how many "but" things I can think of, it doesn't matter what I think she should or shouldn't do, it is her decision. I am sad for her, for my step dad, for my sister, for my kids and for me, for all of us involved.

We talk about our fears, our concerns, our hopes and dreams. Considering the topic, it was a good dinner. We reaffirm things that we each know, hoping that just by saying them again, the pain will be less.

I love my mom. She has made many mistakes in her life, she has jumped back into her journey with scars, but she jumped back in no matter how hard or how painful it was. I admire her strength, I resemble her strength. It is because of my mom that I know my journey will be a struggle, but in the end, hopefully it will be all worth it. It is because of my mom that I know that "the end" is when we die, because each day is a new day, a day of self discovery, a day we will stand up for ourselves, a day we should relish in and not look back.

I have learned from my mom, I have learned mistakes she's made and I learn to try a different route than she did. I have learned that taking leaps where the landing is unknown is more of a strength indicator than just remaining still with your feet firmly planted on the ground.

I think she has learned from me too. I think that we feed off of each other's strengths. Never growing up would I have ever thought I would get to this point. To the point that I consider my mom one of my best friends in the whole world.

She is my biggest cheerleader all the time, she is my partner in crime when needed, she is my voice of reason at times and in a time like this, I am hers as well.

I love you mom. My wordless Wednesday is my wish for us both...

"It" skeptic

Oh they have "it", I can feel "it". Yet as I sat in the bleachers on the opposite side of the field from them last night, I was doubting their "it".

I imagined my conversation with them. I imagined myself saying, "this may be strange, but how do you guys do it? What is your secret?"

I imagined them saying, "oh we are newlyweds!"

Then I could justify their "it" aura.

I know that isn't true, they have an eight year old daughter playing on the same softball team as my eight year old daughter.

I imagined them saying, "We are each other's best friend."

To which I would roll my eyes. Yeah, friends first, but I have been friends with guys before and it hasn't lead me to "it".

Maybe my skepticism was because my first failed marriage partner (Buggy's dad) was in the stands with me and my current hubby (on the fritz)was out on the field helping for practice.

I felt clouded by my own mishaps with the "it" factor. The overwhelming questions, did I have "it" with first hubby? Was the "it" there for me and not him? Is that why he strayed? Did I just THINK I had "it" with him when really I didn't have shit?

With current hubby, I have tried, I think I have really tried to talk myself into "it", but it just doesn't work that way. With all the other issues in our marriage, there is no forcing "it" and furthermore, "it" is many different things to different people. Our "it"s are not on the same page.

Wherever the skepticalness (is that a word?) came from I doubted their "it". I resented their "it". I cried a little inside for their "it". I got pissed at my lack of "it".

Average Girl in an Average World said, "It" Will make its way into your life....just open yourself up to receive "it"" and I say thank you, thank you for that, but for now, I think I am going to be an "it" snob. I am closing my "it" door until (this is all starting to sound really dirty to me, I have a gutter mind) I can clearly define "it" for me.

Frankly, I have had it with "it".

The "it" factor

Today is Buggy's softball practice, I love going for many reasons. Seeing her improve, watching her confidence build and keeping my eye on the coaches and their technique of coaching.

There is another reason I like going though. There is a couple that attends each practice (and game) to watch their own daughter. They fascinate me.

There are just some couples that have "it". They just click, the seem comfortable with themselves individually and together.

I catch smiles between the two, I sense inside jokes, I feel their connection.

I want their connection. I want that "it" thing. I fear though, I don't know what "it" is or that "it" is beyond my comprehension, beyond my reach. I just feel "it" when I am around them.

I find myself wanting to ask them about "it". Would that be strange?

Most of my friends are married, but I have never had this sense around them, not as strongly as this couple pulls at me.

I find myself wanting to invite myself over as company to hang out. I want to soak in what they have, learn from "it", mimic "it", breath "it", roll around with "it". Here is where it gets strange, right?

I mean, what is "it"? Why haven't I had "it" with my two marriages?

WHY? WHY DON'T I HAVE "IT"?

Where is "it"?

I wonder if they feel my star gazed eyes on them? I wonder if they feel my uneasiness when they are sitting next to me in the stands rooting on our daughters?

I have tried to get "it" and I have failed, so I do know that whatever "it" is, "it" can't be forced, or faked.

Will I ever get my "it" chance?

"It" is mind boggling.

Open letter

I know this is hurting you, as much as you want to believe it is intentional, it isn't.

I don't know if you believe me when I say I am hurting too. It has taken a long time for me to come to terms with this decision and it hurts me to break the news to you.

I could stuff my feelings in for longer, but what good will it do? How much longer will I allow myself to be unhappy? I can't rely on you to "get me" and "make" me happy.

If I wait another six months will the end result change? I don't think it will. I have heard the promise before, yet here we are with the same conclusion.

You and I both have said mean and hurtful things to each other, I can't let us slide through like this, it isn't fair to either one of us. It isn't fair for these kids to have such an ugly model to form their characters.

I am sorry, I really am sorry.

Sorry I couldn't make it work. Sorry I couldn't make myself fall in love with you again. Sorry I couldn't lie down and "accept" that this is you and love you for it instead of withdrawing from you. Sorry you felt as if you tried and it fell on deaf ears and heart.

I am just as scared as you.

Would you?

On the way into work today the local radio station was asking the question would you marry yourself?

I have been thinking about it and HELLZ YEAH, I would marry me. ;)

Opposites attract, or so they say. "They" also say, it is good to have someone to balance you out...so still it is leaning towards that opposites thing again.

I have to agree to an extent, but when someone is on the OPPOSITE side of the world compared to yourself it is ANNOYINGLY hard.

I like schedules.
I like organization.
I like cleanliness.
I love time with my kids, but love time for myself too.
I can be flexible, but it is hard. There are times that I can be really laid back and go with the flow, but there are some things that I will stand my ground and not be flexible on.
If I like ya, I will do most anything for ya.
I usually can see both sides of the coin.
I am not argumentative.
I am hot... (lol, throwing that out there)


Seriously, sounds like a great match to me...for me.

So what is your answer? Would you marry yourself?

Monday-Blahs

I just feel awful.
I just feel sad.
I just feel like, "what is next?"

I alluded to the fact that having hubby home hasn't been all that it is cracked up to be.

So much of me WANTS to work on things, but feel like there isn't much more I can do. He just isn't a happy person. He just isn't full of life. He doesn't have a zest about him, there is no excitement for what could be in a day, in a week, in a lifetime. He has no spark.

He is constantly in a state of annoyance. I don't know if he is ever happy...and I can't change that. I can't MAKE him happy. I can't do anymore to make this situation better. That makes me feel sick.

I feel like I am at a point now that I don't want to make him happy. He has his issues and I am ready to leave him to them. However, this all makes me very sad. It makes me mad.

I don't like ME when I am around him. I don't like how I feel. I don't like how I act. I am the only one that can change those things, but it is draining to try to keep a positive outlook when things look so drab.

I don't want to hurt him, but in the end, by not hurting him, I am hurting. I really feel like the kids are hurting too...this isn't the type of marriage I want them to see. This isn't the type of behavior I want them modeling themselves after.

It sucks so bad to have this situation continuing to unfold before me. I feel decisions need to be made and I am afraid to make them. I am afraid of the aftermath. I am afraid of the hurt by all parties that is going to surround me.

Just typing this my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I am ready to cry. I hate this feeling. Still, I fault myself, is there more I could have done? Should I be trying harder? (all rhetorical, no answers please) I guess doubting myself and my feelings is what has kept me in this marriage up to this point. Yet I am still feeling these feelings and STILL not happy.

Monday Mania

Well we didn't get to the beach this weekend, but it was an eventful one nonetheless.

We attended the local county fair, saw Kung Fu Panda, and did lots of yard work. Overall it was a good weekend.

I have asked hubby to move back home. This should be exciting news, but I feel a little subtle about it. I guess it is fear, and reality to be hesitant.

We are at a spot right now that when someone asks me why we aren't together or what do I not like about it, the reasons all sound petty in my head. Even when I do spit them out, they sounds like superficial reasons to get divorced or not be together.

Things like, he is never on time to ANYWHERE.

He has a lackadaisical parenting role, by his choice, yet complains that the kids won't listen to him.

He isn't very mature.

Petty reasons really, that I don't think would be any different with someone else. Or someone else would do things that would annoy me. I mean, no one can be as perfect as I am ;).

Maybe with time and continued counseling, we can get through these issues. It really comes down to respect for the other, for fondness and admiration for the other. Maybe with time we can gain those things more for each other and admittedly, I need to work on those things more for him.

With those "issues" worked out I think we could be really good together and if we aren't then I know we did everything we could have ever done to see if it was right or not.

We went (against my will) to check out new cars again. New or new to us cars. Only to try to get our payment down. I knew we wouldn't find anything. To actually lower our payment we would have to go from our perfectly FINE mini-van, with dvd, space and low miles over to a Cobalt or something much smaller than where we are now. In my opinion, we aren't that destitute to downgrade just to save money at this point.

So as he received the news from the car salesman, he looked over at me and said, "you were right."

Of course I replied, "yeah, I know and when you know this fact we will be GREAT together."

Are we back to that again?

I am shaking just trying to put this post together. Forgive me ahead of time if it comes off, um, raw. Though I guess, it wouldn't be the first time for me.

This blog is my journal...and this is what I would be writing.

ARRRGH.
I don't know what else I can do for this marriage.

I feel like I am taking all of the right steps to get through to hubby, to make things better and I am beginning to think, it isn't going to help. I need to help me, help myself to getting better and taking the right steps for myself.

It's like that saying though, "watch the first step it's a doozy."

This past Friday, hubby successfully crushed me...again. He took every curve ball and threw it at my 90 miles per hour. Every time, I swung in defense, and missed, only to be hit with that ball a lot harder than I could anticipate.

If you hit a player too many times, you should be thrown out of the game.

His inning is coming to an end.

I have been hit (emotionally, not physically) one too many times to not fear the thought of being thrown at again.

I am mad at myself to LETTING him do this to me again. I am mad that I allowed him to stay in the game even though he knocked me out long before.

He has questioned my character, he has accused me of "going out" on him on several occasions. He has questioned my loyalty to my children of all things. He has claimed that I am doing nothing to prove to him that I want things to work out. He has taken my heart out and stomped on it, yet, in the next breath apologizes and wants it all to be ok.

All I want to do is vomit. HE HAS ME questioning my own character. I have been having all kinds of dreams from losing my job (self doubt of my abilities and the job I am doing), I have been having dreams about friends and finding out in my dreams that they can't stand the person I am (self doubting again of the type of friend I am) and all of these dreams are seeping into my real world. Even though I know they are just dreams, they are affecting me and my confidence.

Just a side funny note, I did confirm with my boss about my job being steady and stable. He confirmed that they love me and appreciate me too much to fire me after he giggled at me for a few minutes. :) *sigh, thanks boss*

I just feel deflated and I KNOW he wants me to feel this way, no doubt. It is a war of self esteem bashing. What makes another person happy when they put the other down so much? Usually it is the most self conscience person that does this and feels good about it. How much is this from his not drinking? How much of this is just HIS personality? How much longer until he gets better, and ultimately HOW MUCH LONGER do I stick around to put myself through ringer?

I really feel like we are back at step one, where I feel like my life is unmanageable and my emotions are running amuck. I am still acting like a codependent in making sure that HE is ok and forgetting how much I am hurting. I keep pushing my own hurt away, avoiding him and a ruffle of feathers as much as possible. I am holding myself together for the kid's sake, yet not letting myself feel it when I am alone and not under their ever watching eyes. I have pushed down my emotions for so long that they are bubbling up around my heart, I am losing it. I don't know where to turn, when to turn and how to turn.

It's all so exasperating.

*side note* I hate posting these rants--I am not fishing for compliments or appraisal, however if I don't get this crap out of my head then I fear what is going to happen to me mentally.

Hand over Mouth

I have nothing to write about, isn't that odd? *edit, guess I had a little to talk about seeing the length of the post* I have nothing to complain about...I mean I *could* complain, but really don't feel like it.

In Al Anon last night someone had a saying, He put his arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth. Well, I would say He has. One thing that I have learned through my Al Anon meetings and the crap that is going on in my marriage is that I CAN bite my tongue. I can refrain from the easy to come by tongue lashing.

I might have taken that a step too far, however. My hubby has not had a good couple of weeks with his not drinking decision. He has been pretty angry about not being "able" to drink. He thinks he was just in the bad habit of drinking daily, he really doesn't think he has the disease and wants to resume drinking on occasion. He wants to be a social drinker.

Well, that would be GREAT if he could ONLY be a social drinker, but how long until the social events take over and everyday is a social day? Back when he was drinking he really thrived on having people over...I think to make it a social event so that he felt like it was "ok" to drink.

So because I expressed my apprehensions about him being a social drinker he was pretty angry with me. I guess it is understandable, however, he needs to know that HE is in charge of his life. It isn't my decision, I am merely expressing my opinion in the most loving way I can.

In order to not be controlling, cause I can be kinda controlling, I have not stressed how much I think that he needs AA. I have brought it up a couple of times and told him how much Al Anon has helped me, but he hasn't really been open to the idea of going to AA himself. I haven't pushed the issue...there is a saying in Al Anon that if you express your opinion and KEEP expressing it until you get the result you want then you are controlling. So I have kept my mouth shut. In retelling this to members in my meeting last night, they gave a different way for me to look at it.

They said I could suggest it to help him, but not preach or demand he goes. That is so true and another aspect of detaching with love really. In those weekends that he was really struggling and having so many anger issues, I really should have said something about how AA would really help with those feelings. So the next time it comes up I am going to lovingly suggest a meeting and see where it goes.

It really is all so exhausting and I hope that one day...I won't be so wrapped up in it. I also know that he is just as exhausted, I wish that it could all be so much easier for both of us.

Bring it...

Your Horoscope for MAY 28, 2008 (not YOUR horoscope, but MY horoscope)

Though you may have been feeling somewhat out of sorts for the past few days, Stacie, today you could feel as if you've just gotten a new lease on life. Physically you are in excellent shape, and mentally and as well as emotionally, you should be raring to go. Both immediate and long-term goals should be easy to achieve today, while your energy is so strong. So begin working on them and don't put them off. This high level of motivation should continue for a while.

Hubby and I had a counseling appointment last night...it didn't go well, but hopefully he gets the fact that he NEEDS to open up and start talking. There is only so much I can do...he has to participate in this process as well.

I do feel a little more hope than I did yesterday. It is all like a roller coaster and as some of you commented yesterday (thank you by the way) hitting rock bottom only leaves one way to go. I really hope that that way is UP and that we go up and not continue on this downward spiral.

Not having hope is the worse feeling and my hands were up in the air yesterday. Almost in defeat and in a 'what else can I do' motion.

Thanks for all of your well wishes and support yesterday, it does mean the world to me.

AARRRRRRRIIIIBBBBBAAAAAA!

Would it be wrong of me to skip Al Anon tonight and sit somewhere OUTSIDE sipping one of these?

I am feeling very...um, heart squeezed today. Does that make sense? LOL.

It feels like someone is squeezing my heart. I am guessing it is another anxiety thing...but what am I anxious about? Ok, what AREN'T I anxious about?

I feel like I should have answers about my marriage already. I should know if I want him to come back home or not by now. He isn't drinking, and isn't that what I wanted? I know I don't have to rush back into this, but I feel like, damn, he is doing his part...why don't I know what I want STILL?

I know he loves me. His change in drinking has really proved that and it scares me. Being loved scares me. I want to love him back, but feel myself holding back. I have a big wall up against something that I really do want.

I really miss my friends. When I haven't seen my friends for a while, I feel a little lost, like I am missing me. Me as a friend, me as a person.

I feel like I need some alone time, but when I get it I am lonely. I am in a constant battle with these contradiction in feelings. I am thinking that my one on one with the counselor can't come fast enough.