He has been calling me. Started on October 19th, ironically (or not so ironically) on his daughter's 9th birthday. A daughter that we are not allowed to have contact with because of him. A daughter born right before he went to prison the first time, I think, if my timeline is correct. We were allowed contact until he got out of prison.
I am not mad at him for our lack of visitation, so I will move on from that topic. (Not that I am mad at the mom either for protecting her daugther)
I don't know that I am really mad at him for anything, but I am leery.
So his message stated that it has been too long and it is about time that we have a real brother/sister relationship. He wants to get to know me, he wants to know his niece and nephew. He wants to start visiting maybe every other weekend or something.
All sounds great, but I am not one to fall for these type of demands. Sure it would be nice, but I am stumbling on putting this action into place.
The what ifs strangle me, what if I put my trust into him and he falters? What if my kids see way too much of an uncle that they already are drawn to?
Seriously, in the few times that we have been around my brother my kids are on him like flies on shit. They love him, I don't know why. I sit back and watch them ask him questions, hang on him and just devour him. I sit back wishing that he didn't have the problems that he does, wishing that his demeanor didn't mimic our fathers. I get angry for the way things have gone over the past 20 years.
TWENTY YEARS? He is 33 now, his first run in with the law was age 13. He was trying to sell fake pot in middle school...the list of run ins continue from there...and sadly have continued into his adulthood.
For years I have heard the song and dance from our father. "I want to see you more, I want to see your kids more, I miss you, I know I should be better about calling" blah blah blah blah. My brother says the same things, in the same tone (they sound like twins literally), in the same stance. My brother is the clone of our father, and that too is hard to stomach for me.
It's not that I can't forgive him, it is the forgetting that is difficult. It is the waiting for dissappointment that is suffocating.
My middle name is AVOIDANCE and I have just avoided the contact with him (in the past). He wants that to change. I would like it to change, but I don't know if I have the balls to do it. I don't know if I can put my heart into him. As much as I would like to trust him and believe in him, I just don't know if I can.
I am scared.
That is hard. I don't know what it is about kids being drawn to people in that way. When we were little we had cousins who lived in another state and when we would see them I remember always thinking how cool they were and loved hanging out with them. Now I know why my mom was so hesitant about it and wouldn't let them drive us anywhere.
ReplyDeleteThat's hard. I have a tendency to just avoid those people who make me uncomfortable at all costs. Of course, it's made me somewhat of a hermit, cause there are so many who I am uncomfortable around. It still hasn't made my life nice and tidey.
ReplyDeleteDude. This story is eerily familiar. I live in fear of the day my transient 28 y/o brother runs out of hospitality elsewhere and shows up on my doorstep. I don't have answers but I do have enpathy.
ReplyDeleteThat all sounds completely normal. He has to earn your trust and if he really has changed then he will. If not, then you know the drill, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteIt all sounds so tiring, my heart goes out to you.
Baby steps! That's all I can suggest. A short phone call here, a brief coffee chat there - hopefully he'll be able to prove to you that he's reliable and trustworthy. I hope he can and does, sounds like he's a hit with the under 13 crowd!
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