Bro say wha?

I have talked about my brother here before, I love him, but I am hesitant.

He has been calling me. Started on October 19th, ironically (or not so ironically) on his daughter's 9th birthday. A daughter that we are not allowed to have contact with because of him. A daughter born right before he went to prison the first time, I think, if my timeline is correct. We were allowed contact until he got out of prison.

I am not mad at him for our lack of visitation, so I will move on from that topic. (Not that I am mad at the mom either for protecting her daugther)

I don't know that I am really mad at him for anything, but I am leery.

So his message stated that it has been too long and it is about time that we have a real brother/sister relationship. He wants to get to know me, he wants to know his niece and nephew. He wants to start visiting maybe every other weekend or something.

All sounds great, but I am not one to fall for these type of demands. Sure it would be nice, but I am stumbling on putting this action into place.

The what ifs strangle me, what if I put my trust into him and he falters? What if my kids see way too much of an uncle that they already are drawn to?

Seriously, in the few times that we have been around my brother my kids are on him like flies on shit. They love him, I don't know why. I sit back and watch them ask him questions, hang on him and just devour him. I sit back wishing that he didn't have the problems that he does, wishing that his demeanor didn't mimic our fathers. I get angry for the way things have gone over the past 20 years.

TWENTY YEARS? He is 33 now, his first run in with the law was age 13. He was trying to sell fake pot in middle school...the list of run ins continue from there...and sadly have continued into his adulthood.

For years I have heard the song and dance from our father. "I want to see you more, I want to see your kids more, I miss you, I know I should be better about calling" blah blah blah blah. My brother says the same things, in the same tone (they sound like twins literally), in the same stance. My brother is the clone of our father, and that too is hard to stomach for me.

It's not that I can't forgive him, it is the forgetting that is difficult. It is the waiting for dissappointment that is suffocating.

My middle name is AVOIDANCE and I have just avoided the contact with him (in the past). He wants that to change. I would like it to change, but I don't know if I have the balls to do it. I don't know if I can put my heart into him. As much as I would like to trust him and believe in him, I just don't know if I can.

I am scared.

I could....

Things I COULD blog about today.

1) My brother's compulsion to start a relationship with me and why I am hesitant.
2) My dad's lack of phone use.
3) How I inadvertently hurt my stepdad's feelings because my lack of phone use.
4) The fact that I lost 1.8 lbs of the 2 pounds I gained the previous week!
5) How much I LOVE Halloween candy. Check out Natalie's favorite candy and their WW points, YIKES.
6) How my will power sucks ass with Halloween candy in the house.
7) How I plan to sneak all of my kid's Halloween candy from parties into the "give to trick or treaters" bowl.
8) How Hubby is NOW deciding to be really nice and totally out of character...even though the divorce is still ON.
9) How I should ACCEPT that he is being nice and not question it because it will be a while before things are final.
10) How my plans for Thanksgiving are shaping up NICELY. Roadtrip?
11) Who Buggy thinks I should vote for in the presidential race.
12) Fiber One bar and bean soup in one day = NOT SOO GOOD

BUT, I am not going to post about any of those today...*nannie nannie boo boo* however they will be talked about in the next week or so...stay tuned.

TORNADO-the good, the bad, the ugly.

The good:
We purchased a new leather couch and love seat, it will be delivered on the 19th. I am so excited to get the stained furniture out of my living room. Though it is only going to the basement, the "living" area that we spend most of our time will have nice new seating!! Woohoo.

The bad:
This winter weather has been CRAZY. WE have at least 5 inches of rain that has fallen over our area in the last day. Last night there were tornado watches and warnings. That is crazy. What is going on with our weather? I think this is the weirdest winter I have seen!

The ugly:
My brother was arrested...AGAIN.
I am sick. I hardly slept last night with my thoughts running marathons in my head. The charge sickens me. He is charged with strangulation...omfg. He and his girlfriend's SON (18) got into a fight and my brother grabbed his neck to the point of impeding his breathe and slammed his head against the walls.

*deep breath* That rage makes me shake. Makes me sick and sad. My brother was intoxicated and taken to jail. If charges are pressed, he will be back in jail on battery charges and HONESTLY, if the son drops the charges I really don't know what will happen for my brother because he is STILL on probation from the last PRISON stay.

Seriously, PRISON. It amazes and infuriates me that this boy has not hit BOTTOM....MY bottom would have been the first prison stay. My brother (32) has completed THREE prison stays...and now is back in jail.

Who thought this blog was going to always be funny? LOL. I wish it could.

As a mother, I say let my brother rot in there for what he did to that boy. What if it had been worse? (The boy is OK, as far as I know) What if the "next" time (if the girlfriend is nuts enough to let there BE a next time) it goes to far and seriously injures someone or worse kills him?

What will it take, ya know. That is the question that just runs through my heart, head and boils my blood. WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR THESE ADDICTS TO SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

**********************************************************
Thanks to you all that commented on my last blog. NONE of it was taken poorly by me....LIZZY....what you said is completely valid and I TOTALLY understood what you were saying. I know you panicked when I didn't post and to that I say THANK YOU. It means you care, HUGS!!!

Also, as far as support groups, I do attend Al Anon. I go as often as my hubby's schedule allows. Though it hasn't made how I react to the addicts in my life differently (hopefully in time, but I am human) it has given me a sense of peace. The peace is a weird peace, it is calming to go there. To hear other stories of people going through very similar things with their loved ones. I enjoy going and ALWAYS feel better after attending. Here is my favorite quote from there, it has done me wonders to remember THIS.

I have also attending a little counseling and one of her suggestions was to write those that I am having issues with a letter. So. In all it's rawness and a part of me using my blog as therapy...here is the letter that I just might copy and send to my brother.
****************************************************************************

Dear brother,

I wish you could see what your behaviors do to ALL OF US. I wish you could see that drinking (or doing drugs) does not BETTER your life, it may make you feel could while in use, but it only makes matters worse after the fact. I wish you could see how much you are KILLING our mother. I wish the love from all of us could be enough to get you to love yourself enough to STOP THE MADNESS.

This time felt different. This time I felt a crack in my wall that I have built up to protect me from you. THIS time I was feeling like you MIGHT have seen the light. I am so sad that it isn't true. There are no excuses for this last incident. There are hardly enough apologies that can erase this.

If I were your girlfriend, I would press charges against you for this. A is a CHILD, A doesn't deserve to be treated like this NO MATTER WHAT. I don't care if you were drunk, I don't care if you say you blacked out...there is no excuse and if I were him or your g/f, I would send you packing.

You are selfish. You are selfish to think that you can "handle" your alcohol. You are selfish to think that what you do in your daily life doesn't affect the rest of us.

My kids love you. My kids ADORE you. Do you know how much I would love to have a brother that I could rely on, that I could communicate with, a brother that I can HAVE? Do you know how hard it is to explain to Bugs and Bubs why their uncle HURT someone and is now in jail? Do you know how much I would love for you to be an Uncle to my kids? HOW, HOW can you be these things when you are too selfishly RUINING your life? How can I continue to let my kids know you when you aren't even GROWN up enough to keep yourself around?

You are right in not seeking out your own daughter, because as you said yourself you don't want to mess with her in that way or take her down like you feel our own father has us. I really respect you for thinking that way, but I also see it as a cop out to fixing yourself. You will go to her when you get yourself better? When will that be? She maybe better off never knowing you, as harsh as that may sound. I don't know if you will EVER have your shit together. That makes me sad and really angry.

I know you have no answers to these questions. I know that you have a problem with addiction. I really wish and HOPE that someday you will see the hurt you have put our family through. I HOPE that you will get some help in dealing with your problems. YOU are the only one that can make this change. YOU are the only one that can make YOUR life better.

I love you and I wish so much more for you than the life you are continuing to lead.

Love,
Stacie
***************************************************************************

Ok, I feel a little better. Hmmm wonder where all my MADNESS comes from? I have ONE dysFUNctional family!

YIKES, thanks for reading and letting me get this off of my chest! Maybe my page title should be "come sit on my leather couch and be my therapist" or something MUCH more clever. ;)

whoa, the hesitation on posting this is overwhelming....here I go...I am jumping..........*cringe*