Cinco de Mayo my ass....

Maybe that isn't appropriate in light of the whole Swine Flu....

Eh.

Maybe this one is better...



Little Wiener, Tecate Beer...and a Sombrero. Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like that, am I right? Am I right?

So, any plans for the festive holiday?

I'd like to say I was going out for some authentic Mexican food and maybe a margarita, but it wouldn't be true. It's a school/work night, there will be no celebrating.

I am feel a little sad about celebrations today. Remembering the days that I didn't have the responsibilities I do now...where friends would be blowin up my phone inviting me out here and there.

Where are those days now?

A friend of mine celebrated her birthday this past weekend. She and a group of mutual friends went out to celebrate. I only know this due to the slew of pictures posted on myspace.

I quick grabbed my phone to see if there were any missed calls. None.

I checked all email accounts to see if I missed the invite. None.

What? When did this happen? When did I become odd girl out?

:(

Realistically, I wouldn't have been able to go anyway...but that doesn't make it sting less that I wasn't even CONSIDERED. As IF.

So on this Cinco de Mayo, I say, my ass...it's the fifth of May and I will be sitting in front of my T.V. watching Idol. How's that for celebrations? Take that!

Ok, maybe we'll make quesadillas. BUT THAT'S IT. I am boycotting all celebrations until I get back on the guest lists.

AARRRRRRRIIIIBBBBBAAAAAA!

Would it be wrong of me to skip Al Anon tonight and sit somewhere OUTSIDE sipping one of these?

I am feeling very...um, heart squeezed today. Does that make sense? LOL.

It feels like someone is squeezing my heart. I am guessing it is another anxiety thing...but what am I anxious about? Ok, what AREN'T I anxious about?

I feel like I should have answers about my marriage already. I should know if I want him to come back home or not by now. He isn't drinking, and isn't that what I wanted? I know I don't have to rush back into this, but I feel like, damn, he is doing his part...why don't I know what I want STILL?

I know he loves me. His change in drinking has really proved that and it scares me. Being loved scares me. I want to love him back, but feel myself holding back. I have a big wall up against something that I really do want.

I really miss my friends. When I haven't seen my friends for a while, I feel a little lost, like I am missing me. Me as a friend, me as a person.

I feel like I need some alone time, but when I get it I am lonely. I am in a constant battle with these contradiction in feelings. I am thinking that my one on one with the counselor can't come fast enough.