Warning, profanities bound to follow

Michelle passed away last night.

Five minutes before I got there.  I'm not upset about missing her last breaths.  I don't think I could handle being there for that.  She was surrounded by her family and us friends were there minutes after.

Fuck.

We knew it was coming and I am thankful that she is no longer in pain.  I am thankful for her family, they can now stop spending their days wondering if it's the last.

Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

Carry on.

my heart hurts

Even worse, is the pain behind my eyes.

Michelle, has stopped eating.

Maybe that explains my insatiable hunger lately.  Could I be eating HER portions out of the pain I feel for her family?

If I even think about it all for longer than a second I will be a pool of tears on the ground.  This is just too much to handle and I'm not her child, I am not her husband, I am not her parents.  Thinking about their pain is just unbearable.

Cancer sucks.

So. My friend is dying.

Sorry for the mood killer title.


Due to chemotherapy not being effective, fluid around her heart and the cancer spreading to her bones, doctors have have referred her back to hospice to do comfort care for the rest of her fight against cancer. 


Really though, once Hospice is called in is it a fight at all?  No.


It's a throw in of the towel...and it really sucks.  Comfort care.  Where is the comfort in knowing there is nothing left to do but wait to die?  

At 36.

A mom, to two kids, 11 and 3.

A wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

Her life as she imagined it, will never come to fruition.

Her husband is hanging in there.



Her kids are managing.

Their family is in my thoughts everyday.

Photos by me.

Well...we're still here...

The world did not end.

Yippee.

The prediction was a little like Chicken Little, no?  The world didn't end, but there was a very devestating tornado in Joplin, MO and for some of those people their world ended.  Very sad. 

This weekend I am playing photographer for a friend's wedding.  After their wedding they are driving to Bronson, Mo for their honeymoon.  Today the bride to be posted that on their way to Bronson they will be stopping in Joplin to drop off supplies.  HOW SWEET IS THAT?  Good people.

I have so much to talk about, seeing how sparse my ideas seem to be lately, I'm only going with one topic right now...er, well...starting now...never mind that stuff up top there.  It was just FLUFF.

OK.

CYSTIC FIBROSIS WALK, YO.



Here's how much the total was at the time the walk ended. 190,000 just for the Indy walk.  Isn't that amazing???? Some of you contributed and pimped me out; for that I'm very thankful (the donation and the pimpin)...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Here is how much Indiana as a state collected...WOOOHOOO!!

Cystic Fibrosis Foundation – Indiana Chapter

The numbers are in....with your help, the Indiana Chapter Great Strides program raised over $618,000, exceeding its goal of $564,000! Thank you for everything that you did to make it such a huge success!!

I woke up the morning of the walk.  I went outside and was met with a beautifully warm sunshine beaming down!  I was so thankful and I sighed in joy.

By the time we left the hotel and ate some lunch the clouds rolled in and torrential downpour hit us.  Lightening threatening the walk.  While we drove to the site, the kids sang You Are My Sunshine the whole way there, hoping it would have the opposite affect of a rain dance.

It worked. 

Mostly. 

The sun started peaking out again.  Then the clouds, then the sun, then the clouds, then the sun.  You get the point.  It was off and on rain, here and there, but no more lightening so the walk was a go. 

Go we did!





I affectionately label this picture (above) as Me and My Chin Twins. :D  Not much about my kids resembles me, but (hahah butt) our chins.



This is the family we walk for...when Harrison (the baby) was born almost two years ago there was a new screening for newborn babies to test for CF.  The test came back positive.

For 6 years at that point, Kennedy, one of Harrison's big sisters had had digestive and gastro issues.  They were about a month away from going to Riley's because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.  They actually had an appointment scheduled and along came Harrison and the diagnoses.  Both sisters were tested, with Kennedy being the one also with CF.

Raegan, the biggest sister does not have it.  Stacey, their mom, has a bigger job than just being a Mom.  She has a fight on her hands, she has Dr appointments, medicines, and two kids diagnosed with this genetic disease.







Both kids are doing really well right now with their medicine.  Kennedy is growing nicely and not having the issues she was just a short two years ago.  Harrison is a tubbers, he suffers more with the breathing issues that go with CF, but he is doing well too.  They both, on the outside, are normal active kids.  To look at them you wouldn't know they have anything or just how sick they can get.







Just as last year, the kids and I really enjoyed being a part of this walk.  The number of people that came even though the weather was iffy, was inspirational and beautiful.

I hope that someday the money we've raise will lead to a cure and until then lead to better medicine options.

Thank you again to those of you that supported us with donations.  Even if you weren't able to give, I know you were all there with me in spirit.  (Just nod your head yes, there might be another end of the world prediction and you don't want to be left behind, dooooo yoooouu?).

Peace.

It's 4/20

I guess it's a myth that the police code for smoking pot is 4 20.  However, it's National Pot Smoker's Day.

Just an FYI.

I'm gonna go smoke 1 random today...

Today is my friend, Chasty McNasty's birthday.  :)

*me and Chass at the Buffett concert last year...Aug 2010.

I met Chass back in 2002.  She moved to the area to live with her boyfriend.  Her boyfriend is a boy I used to babysit for *chokes*.  I know.  I more babysat his little sisters, but I was there to keep him out of trouble as well.  Anywho.  She moved to the area, not knowing anyone but his family.

My Mom was always out to introduce me to more friends.  I guess she never approved of the ones I had to begin with, but at this point in my life my two besties had moved away.  My Mom always set up playdates for me.

It was a score, cause me and that girl?  We're still friends to this day...therefore, winning.  She eventually got that boy to marry her and they moved back to her hometown.

All the good ones move away.

***

I got new tires on my van today.

My boss said it was about time, he's been telling me to get new tires since before winter.  Whateves.

They were really bad, when I drove I felt like Mohamed Ali, floatin like a butterfly...and if/when an accident occurred it stung like a bee. 

I blame my November accident on the state of my tires along with tight curve and too high of speed, but tires surely didn't help.

Boss said, "Why'd you wait so long?"

Tax returns, that's why.  I was waiting for the money to pay for the tires, along with the broken turn signal and body damage.

"Whoa, it's an exciting life when you pay for tires with a tax return check."

I know, right?  Dammit.  Thanks for pointing out the responsible humdrum of my life.  Pal.

***

We went to Bass Pro last night to see the Easter Bunny.  We all made it out alive, bunny included....wait, that doesn't sound right.  We didn't come home with a dead bunny, he was still there...alive...

Elmer Fudd : 0

Us : 1 (winning)

As we were getting ready to leave a salesman approached us about Bass Pro Outdoor Resorts.  I could feel his eyes burning into us as we were walking by...I kept my eyes diverted.

Mr.FF, who acknowledges and talks to everyone, got sucked in.

The guy started his schpeal about vacationing, yada yada.  I made a joke, or a completely obvious hint to Mr.FF, that we didn't have a life to go vacationing between four kids and sport commitments.  No one budged even though my body leaned closer to the door.

Mr.FF listens to the man and hands over the brochures to me and says, "Well, SHE'S the one in charge of our schedules." 

He walks away.

F*ck.

Now the guy has me. 

Dammit.

Overall, the trip took us maybe 30 minutes and 15 of it was spent listening to the salesman.

Good times.

*drifts off into a Smokey Mountain trip dreams*
***

I hope you all have a humping kind of day.
1) i do not really smoke...not since my college days anyway.

LET'S GO CRAZY

Listen, I don't care who you are...
PRINCE is a pretty sexy singer...just sayin.

I remember my Mom LOVING Prince, or the artist formerly known as Prince (now I think he's some he/she symbol), then as he got a little more risque I remember my Mom saying, "What??? That's Prince???"  with a TSK sound following.  I knew though deep down, she still secretly loved him.

There was a time that he was around for a concert... I so wished I could have gotten tickets for her and I to go.  That would have been awesome. :)

So the Let's Go Crazy is fitting for this Music Monday because today (not much different from other days) I'm overwhelmed with schedules.  This schedule, that schedule, his schedule, ex's schedules.  I think I need to schedule a break.

However, I can't schedule a break, cause I don't have time for a break. :)

This is our last week of football and as much as I complain I'm going to miss it.

Bubba's team won this past weekend, so that was fun.  He was excited.  

Buggy had her first belt test for karate; she is now a yellow/white belt.  She was excited.

Both exes took their respective kids on Saturday night.  So Mr.FF and I were excited. ;)
Mr.FF gave me a "belt" test.

My camera battery died...so I didn't any pictures of any of it.  BOOOO.
My momma taught me right, I wouldn't document MY belt test in photographs anyway.

Today, 10/11, is my friend's daughter's birthday. 

Fourteen years ago, I was in the delivery room with my friend watching her daughter be born.  No worries, I stayed up by friend's head, I didn't scope out her woohaa.  I can vividly remember the day, I think I can remember it more clearly than the day of my own children's birth.

I also remember going home after her birth and crying for twenty minutes at how beautiful it all was.  I still thank my friend every year for allowing me to be a part of that day with her, her husband and her beautiful baby girl.

Blows me away it's been fourteen years ago, time really flies.  I am very thankful to be reminded every year just how long I have been friends with the people in my life.  Some longer than others, but all equally valued.  I love my friends! :)

So for a Monday, I'm kinda flying high right now;  remembering a great weekend, remembering a great birth fourteen years ago and feeling grateful for friends, family, whips, and busy schedules!

(HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY CANADIAN FRIENDS)

Wordless Wednesday

GLEE LIVE was awesome and a great escape for a few hours from the heaviness that crashed on my afternoon yesterday.  Thanks to these three awesome people!

Thank you.

Here is a group shot and a shot of the kids and I at the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis.

This disease is happening to my friend's children. This disease is happening to her family, to her, to her friends. Yet we all were there together, smiling, laughing, walking and enjoying life.

We celebrated Kennedy's 7th birthday.  We celebrated her successes thus far on medicines now that she has been properly diagnosed with CF.


We celebrate her little brother, Harrison who has grown so nicely since the first time I met him.  Thankfully he will not have to go through six years of NOT knowing what is wrong with him, but sadly, he too has cystic fibrosis.  I sure wish they all lived closer.

How cute is he?


It was such an overwhelming feeling to have all of us fighting for a cure together. Supporting each other, doing what people do for others we love in times of need.


I can't imagine what my friend Stacey must have been feeling through it, seeing everyone make a two hour drive and some making the trip from even further to be with her and her family.


She had no words to express how she was feeling, but there are no words needed because OF COURSE we all would be there and will be there for our friends at any time.

(Her facebook status today..."A million thanks to everyone who supported me and my family at the CF walk!!!! Thanks to everyone who donated online!!! The day was a huge success, the love I felt and have for all my freinds and family cannot be measured! BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL! (special thanks goes out to Stacie and Mrs. Mayer for the amazing photos, what a special gift)")

Seeing the sea of orange and blue, Kennedy's Clan and Harrison's Hoard, was a beautiful sight.

This is the big sister to both Kennedy and Harrison. She does not have CF, but the disease is affecting her in so many ways too.

I know the whole family understands that we are all there.

We are there to hold their hand.

Hopefully someday there will be a cure.

We will hold their hand up in victory.
We will celebrate then just as we celebrate now.

GREAT STRIDES THIS WEEKEND....

Also mentioned with back story HERE


Are you ready for a great GREAT STRIDES?!? We’ll Walk, RAIN or SHINE, but the forecast looks fabulous!

================================================> donate

It will be ideal weather for a CELEBRATION. We’ll celebrate YOUR fundraising efforts and we’ll celebrate the incredible progress being made in CF research. YOU are making a difference!



Here is some last minute information for the big day!



Sunday, May 16

Celebration Plaza (in front of the NCAA) in White River State Park , Downtown Indianapolis

Registration will begin at 1:00 pm

Opening Ceremonies at 1:45 pm

Walk Begins: 2:00 pm


Walkers will be given an Official GREAT STRIDES T-shirt coupon at registration if they raise $100 or more to be redeemed at the T-shirt table.




After our Walk, we’ll enjoy food from our very good friends at Fazoli’s, enjoy Coca-Cola products & lots of other goodies including cookies from Darlington Farms! Emcee Ernie Mills from Hank FM will keep things lively, DJ Josh Jacobs will spin some tunes & we’ll announce our fundraising results. Bring your lawn chairs & team banners/signs & let’s CELEBRATE!



The 5K walk is a lovely walk along the canal in downtown Indianapolis !




GO GREAT STRIDES


I can't wait to see everyone!!!

Guess who I'm going to meet....GUESS....
Stacy!


And here is a picture of the family I am walking WITH and FOR!!!

Rain or shine...

When I was pregnant with Bubba, I joined a bulletin board of other moms pregnant and due around the same time.

Yes sorry blogging friends you are not my first go 'round with Internet friends.

We would get on the bulletin board daily and ask each other questions, talk about how we were feeling, etc. All of us anticipating the births of our lovely babies. When all were born, we continued to talk. Comparing milestones, sharing pictures, and generally getting our girl chats on.

That same group, still talks today. Our "babies" are all turning six. So seven years of conversing with these same ladies via the Internet, all of us scattered around the United States and a couple Canadians (eh?).

(Side note, they are much better at posting on our bulletin than they are at posting blogs *ahem*)

((However, I shouldn't talk because I haven't been to the board to update in months. *clears throat* HI GIRLS!!))

I've met two of the ladies from that group, one living here in Indiana and another living in St. Louis by my bestie Kimmy Sue.

This time, I was in another's backyard. I let her know via Facebook that I was going to be in neck of the woods and she excitedly said, "we MUST get together!"

Tuesday was the day!!

When we woke that morning, there was an odd, pitter patter on the roof.

Rain!! In Arizona yo.

It's been a strange winter/spring Holmes.

I texted Dre and said, "WHAT NOW???"

Kids really wanted to swim, that wasn't going to happen. My dream of the kids in the pool with Dre and I sittin pool side chatting with Mai Tei's or margaritas or daiquiris were shot. mmmm shoootttsss

Her response?

"I don't know, it's always sunny here, let me do some research on what we can do that's indoors!"

With a giggle and some time she got back to me on where we could go.

The Arizona Museum of History.

As soon as I saw her it felt like we were long lost friends that haven't seen each other for a while instead of never "seeing" each other before.

Ya know, when you talk to people online, you imagine them a certain way. Yes I knew what she looked like from pictures, but she is MUCH tinier in person than I had imagined. Tiny as in, shorter than me...and she had heels on...not only tiny in height, but like a size negative 10 or something ridiculous.

She is just as stunning in person as she is in her pictures.

And her children? GORGEOUS!!!

Her and I chatted the whole way to the museum, kids were quiet in the back of her mom mobile. Once we were at the museum the kids all loosened up and were talking, laughing and running around together.



Even though my pool side drinking idea was a no go, we did get along side this lovely gold digging exhibit. At least the water part of my dream was right on. The kids enjoyed this the most, like for an HOUR.

Where's that drink when you want/need it?







It was a great time, the museum was fun and the company was even better.

DRE...me and you? We're rooming together if our Moms in Vegas trip ever happens. :)

Girl Talk Thursday.

This week's topic...What do you do to unwind?

HA.

Unwind? What is that?

I feel like I am so wound up tight lately that any and every little piece that unravels even slightly has me in a mess on the floor.

I am sure it is making me stronger and blah blah blah, just sucks during it.

I'm cocooned and soon I'm going to burst (into the beautiful butterfly that I am). I really need to unwind.

First thing that comes to mind is hanging out with friends. There is something so calming to me when I'm around my friends. I haven't reached out for their company in a long time. I've had a few snippets of interaction here and there, but it has only given me a tease and I really want more...need more.

So, I've set up a play date. *giddy* For me and my girls, next weekend. Aug 7th, me and three others are going to the baseball game. Girls Night!! I can't wait, I hope it all works out and each one of them can attend.

Other ways I like to unwind are pretty typical.

Taking walks on the trails...


or the beach...



Taking pictures...


All of these things I've been lacking in my life lately and I need to get back to it.

(is this sounding like a dating profile? I like long walks on the beach, trails and pictures, could be dirty *nudge*.)

No fear though, I have this weekend PLANNED FULL of all these things...so hopefully it will be the break and unwinding that I need. *fingers crossed*

Party time!

It could be party time, just because it's Friday yo.

I have been invited to a party this weekend and I am beside myself with excitement.

Guess what kind of party it is...c'mon guess.

Here's a clue.


Sasquatch no more! Maybe I'll call Ms. Bertha McMustache to attend with me, help a man lady out.

P.S. I also walking with the kids tonight in the Relay for Life! GO US!!!

Why, Hello there...

What a great weekend.

Did you all have a great weekend?

My bestie came up from St. Louis with her three kids. We were totally outnumbered by kids, but loved it.

Saturday we hit the beach. Let the kids swim in the VERY COLD lake. Got some sun, played catch with Bubba, watched her son eat sand. It was AWESOME. Until, there was that cigarette butt he chewed on, ew.

Sunday I had tickets to the baseball game. Took my kids there (I had the tickets before I knew Kim was coming up) had a great time, except our team lost it in the NINTH INNING. *slaps forehead*

Monday was a little overcast and the rain clouds threatened us to stay inside, but that doesn't last long with five kids. So we loaded them up into the mom mobile, went for a hike and then off to the movies when the rain started. We saw Night at the Museum, meh. It was ok.

I took yesterday off too. Just had to get somethings taken care of and I did.

So, the weekend was AWESOME...it was long, the weather was beautiful and I need another long weekend to catch up with my sleep. :) It was all worth it though. I hope to share pictures with you soon.

ALSO...THIS WEEK BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ANOTHER EDENS FANTASY GIVEAWAY...think Slippery when Wet. :D

The stupid shit I do

We were at a birthday party, really sweet little one year old's birthday party.

It was at a local park, before we got there I thought, man, I hope they have decent bathrooms. I KNEW I should have stopped beforehand.

*and now, just a warning, even though the title says SHIT *I* do, it does not mean the shit I take

(this time)

((you're welcome))

(((back to the story)))

My friend asks if I want to walk to the bathroom with her, to which of course I said sure. Girls always go to the bathroom in groups, who was I to leave her to herself?

I use the term bathroom loosely here, it was more a port-a-potty with walls and a door. She yells over from her stall, "DON'T LOOK DOWN!!"

Of course, I did. Dammit.

I unzip, squat and do my business; I hear a very loud peeing noise that was not mine.

I yell over to her (since we're all yelling and stuff) "I hear you peeing!"

She starts laughing so hard, I can barely understand what she is saying, "I don't think that's MEEEEE PEEEEEING"

Now I am laughing so hard I almost fall out of my squat position onto the nasty seat on top of the caverness dungeon of poo and pee. I quickly wipe and move so that I can laugh without fear of touching anything.

I still hear her giggles from the other side, which only makes me laugh harder.

As we are walking out of the women's side, out walks a guy from the other side trying very hard to not make eye contact.

My friend just looks at me and laughs more. "Only you," she says, "that shit only happens to you!"

Cinco de Mayo my ass....

Maybe that isn't appropriate in light of the whole Swine Flu....

Eh.

Maybe this one is better...



Little Wiener, Tecate Beer...and a Sombrero. Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like that, am I right? Am I right?

So, any plans for the festive holiday?

I'd like to say I was going out for some authentic Mexican food and maybe a margarita, but it wouldn't be true. It's a school/work night, there will be no celebrating.

I am feel a little sad about celebrations today. Remembering the days that I didn't have the responsibilities I do now...where friends would be blowin up my phone inviting me out here and there.

Where are those days now?

A friend of mine celebrated her birthday this past weekend. She and a group of mutual friends went out to celebrate. I only know this due to the slew of pictures posted on myspace.

I quick grabbed my phone to see if there were any missed calls. None.

I checked all email accounts to see if I missed the invite. None.

What? When did this happen? When did I become odd girl out?

:(

Realistically, I wouldn't have been able to go anyway...but that doesn't make it sting less that I wasn't even CONSIDERED. As IF.

So on this Cinco de Mayo, I say, my ass...it's the fifth of May and I will be sitting in front of my T.V. watching Idol. How's that for celebrations? Take that!

Ok, maybe we'll make quesadillas. BUT THAT'S IT. I am boycotting all celebrations until I get back on the guest lists.

It's Monday YO

Thanks for all your really sweet comments and hugs yesterday. Right after I hit send on the post, I got my butt up from the computer chair and I cleaned my house. It actually felt good. Also, I got my lovely monthly visitor, so that kinda helps explain the mood (or gives me an excuse for feeling crappy) I hope now that she has her flow on (sorry guys, tmi?) that I will be in a much better mood. Well, I will try to be. :)

****
Over the weekend Hubby had a poker party at our house (which is a whole 'nother grrr for me), Buggy was at her dad's house and Bubba and I decided to go and spend the night with a dear friend of mine.

This girl and I could be like peas in a pod, we seriously think a like on so many levels, it is kinda scary. Her Hubby really loves her, and loves his kids and it was really nice to see how their dynamic was at home. I found myself sitting back and just watching the show.

They are real. They aren't all lovey on each other, but they just seem to get each other, they bicker, but don't seem to hold it against each other (much). It was just fun to watch.

Their children are absolutely adorable.

Their daughter, who is four, is one of the most sweetest kids around. It shows how wonderful I think her parents are because when she talks, she sounds just like them. As I was walking out from her bedroom (she let me sleep in her bed, she slept on an air mattress in her parents' room) she says in her morning voice, "How did you sleep, Stacie?"

Isn't that the sweetest thing? I just oozed mushiness. It got me thinking about my own children and how they speak. It is a DIRECT reflection on me. (and hubby, not letting him off the hook on this one)

Case in point, Bubba biting my leg, Bubba screaming the minute he wakes up. Seriously, the boy, is teetering on the ledge of naughtiness every minute. Not to say, there aren't moments of pure sweetness, but they are becoming farther and farther apart.

Buggy, she is pretty good, but you can hear the note of snottiness in her tone too, more times than not. Especially when she is talking to her brother. Most of the interaction between the siblings I chalk up to sibling "love", but lately she has taken the same tone with me. It is not fun, however, so many times, her tone, sounds JUST LIKE ME.

I hope that once we are settled in our own life as a mom and two kids, that these things can be improved upon. As much as I try to change them NOW, sometimes it just doesn't come across the right way. Having another parent in the house that undermines, that is complete opposite than I just makes it difficult to hold consistency and rules.

So that is one positive thing I am looking forward to with all the changes that are coming my way. I really hope that I can form some sort of consistency in our home life, even though they will be at their dad's on weekends, I hope that OUR home life becomes a little more quiet, a little more patient and a little more as I dream it can be. Not perfect, but BETTER than it is now.

Hand me a towel, it's cold in here.

Breathe (2AM) Anna Nalick
there is a verse in this song that rings with me every time I hear the song.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

though, change song to blog...I know it won't be all rhyming then, but that is how I feel about this blog. I seriously write half of the stuff I write on here to get it out of my head....to no longer feel it's weight on my brain and heart. Sometimes just writing it all down feels better.

Then I go to dinner with a good friend. She confesses that she has been reading my blog (HI KARA) and I panic. I feel exposed, naked if you will.

It's funny because I know a few of my "in real life" friends read my blog, I suspect a few of my in-laws might too (not positive)...I mean I know these people MIGHT be reading, but as I post it doesn't really occur to me that they really are...does that make sense?

When I come here to write, it is almost like picking up a diary or a journal and spilling my thoughts....thoughts that maybe I wouldn't share normally. Yet, I come here, to the world wide web and post these thoughts...and then people comment, but it really doesn't feels like I have told something so personal to feel the chill of nakedness.

I did though, when she said she has been reading. Not because I have said anything here that I haven't told her about before, and not that I have EVER wrote something negative about her...I just felt my heart sink and I felt "exposed".

I don't post all sugar and love here, I post REAL honest feelings, things that are happening, good and bad...and sometimes to know out loud that a friend is actually looking in is a little scary. It's like my cover has been blown. My "act" of perfection has been blown...EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS I AM NOT PERFECT.

Am I making sense?

So tell me, do you have friends, family, in-laws reading your blog? How does it make you feel, do you "edit" your content with their presence?

I can't, won't, because my life isn't sugar plums and candy (I am hungry for some though) and I need this blog to release the good, bad and the ugly...

*this draft has been sitting my cue for over a week...and through that week these fabulous people ALSO blogged about blogging... LOL
Lisa @ Take 90 West
Kellan @ On the Upside and she didn't stop there...continued
they really state it beautifully.

Just what the dr ordered.

Saturday night I went out with some friends. It was just what the Dr ordered. Really. We went to see another friend's heavy metal band play...and although I am not a LOVER of heavy metal, there was gratification about being around a large group of people who scream the F word while thrashing their heads back and forth. Liberating to just scream profanities. It just takes my mood and lifts it.

When I was going through my first divorce my favorite CD to listen to was Limp Biskit, Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water . I reveled in the "It's my way or the highway" song...and LOVED the song that said the F word some many times. It was just a great release to blare it my car and scream it at the top of my lungs.

So, back to Saturday night, seeing a heavy band, felt just as gratifying. The screaming from the lead singer sounded very similar to the screaming I have felt inside. The heavy drums matched what my fist have felt like doing for months. The guitar and bass ripping away and letting loose. Something I have wanted to do. Scream, pound my fist and just let go. Letting loose of the rage and anger. And feeling ok for doing so.

Again, Saturday night provided that release, even though I didn't pound my fist, but I did yell...cuss words and not cuss words, and I clapped and I let loose (all from the bar stool that I claimed as my seat all night). It was great.

There was also laughter. I about fell off my bar stool lost it when a group came in from a Halloween party. We were in the presence of RICHARD SIMMONS. If I had my camera, I would have hammed it up with him and we would have been sweatin to the oldies out on the dance floor. What a hoot. It was the laugh that came straight from the bottom of my belly and billowed out of my mouth leaving me breathless and having to pee.

Finally my stomach and head couldn't stand sitting anymore and I need to dance off my million few beers and shots with some movement. Off to the dance club. There is nothing like walking in, very late in the night, already loaded buzzed, going straight to the dance floor and dancing all those calories off. Nothing beats the feeling of moving my body haphazardly around the floor not caring about a thing in the world except for the relief that dancing gives me. If I could have thrashed around I would have, but the floor was PACKED.

It was just what I needed. It was the outlet that I have been needing. It was a great night. I thank my friends that invited me out, I thank my friends for making me laugh, for following me to the dance club and dancing with me and I thank my friends for allowing me to be me.

It was just as the Dr ordered.

Tuesday Toots. *giggle*

A Tuesday Toot is in order after last night's TOOTerific find.

In list form:
1) I finally switched from my summer purse to my winter purse, it's a new one I found on CLEARANCE at Target. $11.40! I like it even though I don't like that it isn't summer anymore.

2) I also bought a new pair of jeans this past weekend, size 8, thankyouverymuch. When I was folding them last night, I thought, wow, these look small. :)

3) I just decided I am going to go visit my very best friend at Thanksgiving time. If I miss my friends so much, sitting here whining about it won't do me any good. A visit will. I haven't confirmed this with her...or Buggy's dad (or anyone else, I mean, I JUST decided this), but I intend to and hopefully it all will work out.

4) I gained 2 lbs at my last WW meeting...this isn't toot worthy, however, it renewed my vow to maintain and reminded me that I need to keep up the tracking and that is how I will remain...HOT and in that size 8 jean.

5) Even though I whined about missing my IRL friends, I had the overwhelming support of all of YOU, MY ONLINE FRIENDS...and that is just nice, so I toot (damn fiber bars)in your honor 'cause you all rock too!

6) I uploaded a lot of pictures last night, my computer froze in the middle, but it got most of them...and I love pictures. LOVE THEM.

7) I am feeling better today compared to yesterday, tonight I have a counseling appointment, that should help even more. I hope.

8) I am booked for November 15Th to photograph someones wedding. It's scary and I have TONS to learn about my new camera, but I am excited to do this. It could open up a great passion of mine for the future and that makes me feel giddy. Even better, she is willing to pay me...sure, it's a ton LESS than what she would pay a "real" photographer, so it is a win win for us both. :D

9) that might be it...I might be tooted out. So get outta here...tooters. Go, eat a fiber one bar, help your blood pressure or someone else's. It's about saving the world, people, one sulfur fart at a time. So GO. NOW.