Life with Keyboard functions.

I wish (sometimes) that my life could have key functions like a keyboard. Specifically the "backspace" key or the (F&*%) symbol keys to edit my language. Oh, how about the ENTER key.
<.enter>
<.enter>
It's a good one too. (sounds dirty, HIT ENTER NOW <.enter>....AGAIN)

I'd like to backspace some things that have gone on around me lately. Well, not really gone on AROUND me, but some thing *I* did lately. And well, even putting it that way you would assume that I only did this stupid thing ONCE...and that is not the case.

OH, hey, I heard a new word in my comments yesterday. Ellipsis...and I...love...ellipsis...too...thank you Laskigal!!

(sorry, where was I)


I wish I had a big f*cking backspace key for my life.

Hubby number one...opps backspace backspace.

Hubby number two...WHOOPS I DID IT AGAIN. Backspace backspace backspace.

BUT then backspacing them out of my life story would mean not having my beautiful children.

SHIT. Retype.

We can't backspace over our mistakes, that isn't the case with real life. How much fun would it be if we all could sensor out only the bad stuff, leaving a storybook cover for the world to read?

If everyone was perfect, then it would be a boring world. Or something so minute as farting in public (completely natural btw. just sayin) would be as atrocious as, I don't know, having 8 babies when you already have 6 at home.

What I do know is that Fiber One bars are suppose to be my friend and I am not perfect. No amount of backspacing or editing can make me perfect, only future LIVING and future LEARNING can be my goal.

One more thing I know...I might be a little crazy (after rereading this post)!

Mom, Best Friend.

*my mom and buggy*



For the past week, I have known. I have known why my mom wanted to meet.

As soon as I agreed to the dinner, I felt paralyzed. I knew what was coming. I didn't know how to feel, what I was going to say in rebuttal to her news. I was contemplating cancelling.

I didn't. I needed to hear it for myself and I stifled any fear to be able to hear it from her mouth. I stopped trying to predict what was going to go down.

I arrive at the restaurant to meet her, she called and said she would be running late, but she was on her way. I ordered a beer, nice ice cold beer, hoping to calm any nerves that were bursting under my skin.

I wait. I observe other patrons of the restaurant. Mostly couples, some having nice quiet conversations, others eating (quite loudly, I might add). I chuckled at the mouth smacking noise from one table. It, in all its nastiness, provided me with the small comical relief I needed.

My mom arrived, looking beautiful. She is beautiful. She has been through a lot in her life, she wears her heart on her sleeve. The pain, the sadness, the wear and tear shows, and yet to me, she is radiant. I think for a moment, I have been blessed with some great genes.

We hug and sit down to be greeted by the waitress for our drink order.
Mom starts with the typical small talk; she asks how I have been, how are the kids. The normal small talk that we have every time we see each other. I answer just as normally.

After that business is done, she sighs. Here it comes, I think, the moment I have been predicting for the past few days. I interrupt the awkward silence with my normal blunt (I'm feeling awkward) poise.

"Mom, I think I know what you are going to say, so just say it."

So she does. It is as I expected. Her and my step dad are ending their marriage of 23 years. She hasn't been happy for a long time, she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life unhappy. She is 50 now and she just can't see spending the next (hopefully) 30 years of her life in the same why she has spent the previous 30.

I remain quiet, oddly calm, relieved that I knew it was coming and I didn't explode into a thousand pieces.

There is nothing more that I want than for the family and friends around me to be happy. I have come to know that it is their decision to get there, it is their journey. I have the pleasure of sitting by and watching, good and bad. I just want the end result to bring them peace and happiness.

I want this for my mom. No matter how many "but" things I can think of, it doesn't matter what I think she should or shouldn't do, it is her decision. I am sad for her, for my step dad, for my sister, for my kids and for me, for all of us involved.

We talk about our fears, our concerns, our hopes and dreams. Considering the topic, it was a good dinner. We reaffirm things that we each know, hoping that just by saying them again, the pain will be less.

I love my mom. She has made many mistakes in her life, she has jumped back into her journey with scars, but she jumped back in no matter how hard or how painful it was. I admire her strength, I resemble her strength. It is because of my mom that I know my journey will be a struggle, but in the end, hopefully it will be all worth it. It is because of my mom that I know that "the end" is when we die, because each day is a new day, a day of self discovery, a day we will stand up for ourselves, a day we should relish in and not look back.

I have learned from my mom, I have learned mistakes she's made and I learn to try a different route than she did. I have learned that taking leaps where the landing is unknown is more of a strength indicator than just remaining still with your feet firmly planted on the ground.

I think she has learned from me too. I think that we feed off of each other's strengths. Never growing up would I have ever thought I would get to this point. To the point that I consider my mom one of my best friends in the whole world.

She is my biggest cheerleader all the time, she is my partner in crime when needed, she is my voice of reason at times and in a time like this, I am hers as well.

I love you mom. My wordless Wednesday is my wish for us both...

crazy life as mom

seriously. sometimes my life feels so FULL. It is almost so full that a weekend with no plans sends me into a little bit of a panic. My mind is constantly racing with "what can we do next?" lol. SLOW DOWN MOMMA.

So this past weekend I drove down to see friend who lost her dad. My kids were with my mom (they had a great time with their Grammie). My drive was uneventful and I was sick so the meds I had taken before leaving did their job. I made good time getting down there and was overwhelmed with emotion through part of the drive. When I did get there to hug K-Sue I wasn't too overly emotional, which was probably a blessing to her. One friend off the edge usually takes another with 'em. ;) After all of the condolences were passed out K-Sue and I took a lot of her dad's things to good will. Unload central. We even went in to shop, didn't find anything but what better therapy is there (besides blogging) than retail therapy? We decided on lunch and sat and talked about everything under the sun. I love doing that with her. Her views are so different than mine, I love hearing her opinions and thoughts. We talked about her dad, what his death has meant to her, to her mom, etc. It was a nice lunch considering the circumstance. After our LONG lunch we went grocery shopping for her mom and headed back. I stayed for a little while longer just chit chatting and then headed back on my 2 hour drive back north. It was a nice visit. Sad, but rejuvenating. K-Sue is hanging in there and taking each day at a time. *hugs and strength to her*

Sunday was truly a day of rest...after picking up the kids from Grammie's, I came home and slept. My body needed it. BY Monday, I felt much better. Hubs had to work over so when I got home from work there was no waking him. I warmed up leftovers for dinner, ate, took Buggy to a friend's to play while I took Bubs to his t-ball practise. All the while missing my little bit of peace for the week at Al Anon. After practise we went back to pick up Buggy headed home for the remainder of the evening which included reading Bug's library book, getting cleaned up for bed and the alast, bedtime. *sigh* I am beat by the time the night is over.

Tuesday off to school and work, around lunchtime I get a call from the nurse. Buggy is not feeling well. Earache and slight fever. It really never ends does it? I got her a dr's appt for that night, called my mom to pick up my Market day because dr scheduled at the SAME time as pick up. So after a couple hours at home, we go get Bubs from daycare and head to the dr. We are EARLY and it is "well baby check up day" so instead of possibly infecting perfectly "well" babies I stopped at the park and let the kids play. I thought, wow, it would be nice to be a SAHM to let my kids come play more often, invite other moms etc. Alas, not so lucky. Anywho...get to the appt. Yep ear infection. Dr doesn't want to treat it with antibiotic. Wants her to wait it out and gave her a pain killer ear drop...can't think of the name. It is suppose to numb the ear, without affecting the hearing. I almost wish mine hurt so I could test it out too. *karma please do not get me* So she seems to be doing ok. I did keep her home from school yesterday, which Bubbas HAD to stay home too *cough cough, mom see?* We had a pretty laid back day. It was nice to throw in a load of laundry and clean the bathroom, but nice of all was CRAFT TIME. LOL. The kids get a kick out of me sitting down and making things with them. Guess it doesn't happen often *head down*. We made spiders, witches and other halloweeny stuff. We proudly taped them to our front window. It was nice. :)

Bubba's last t-ball game was last night. Kinda ready for the break from practises and game. My darn camera was dead. grr. He had some good hits off of the tee. It is so cute how much he loves it.

This weekend is just another crazy filled two days. Friday night - school function for Buggygirl, I volunteered to work it. :D Saturday birthday party and bonfire party (2 different events) and Sunday another birthday party. Life as a mom is crazy. I feel like I am going ALL over the place. It is so overwhelming at times. I guess I could just NOT go, but then you all know the panic that ensues. ;) I love being busy, but maybe I like complaining about it just a tid bit more. ;)