Randoms again?!?!?!?!

We colored eggs with Mr.FF and his boys last week.

Me:  Thanks for sharing your eggs with us...

MrFF:  I wish you'd share your eggs with me, but they don't work.

Me:  Oh they work, they're just protected by a shell called MIRENA.

***

I'd like to report that all boiling of eggs went successfully this year.  Mr.FF did all the boiling.

***

On the way to work this morning...the radio talking about the up-coming Royal Wedding.

Buggy: What are they talking about?
Me:  The Royal Wedding, between, um, Prince Harry??? and Kate something.
Bubba from the backseat:  Prince William, Mom.

Me: *jaw hits floor*  then to  *giggles*

***

My Mom got this for us...Brainetics.  She's pissed because we still haven't watched it and now she has to pay for it because we've had it longer than 30 days.  I told her not to buy that crap for us.

Her:  It's not crap Stacie, watch the damn dvd.

She's testy in her old age. *ducks*
(Dammit, just realized her Birthday Post didn't post over the weekend...boooo)
***

Here is what should have posted Saturday...on my Mom's birthday...

54.
Today is my Mom's 54th birthday.

Happy birthday Mom, I love you.

We really wish we were there to give you your birthday spankings kisses.


*Spring Break 2010


Me and my Mom


*All of us at South Mountain in Arizona.

***
And with that...I'm outta here...

HERE AND GONE

She was here just for a short visit.

Monday the kids eagerly awaited our visitor without knowing who it was going to be.  When the car pulled in I saw Bubba run over and jump into her arms.  Buggy was still in the house peering out of the window.

"Who is it Mom?" She said.

"Go outside and see."  I said.

When Buggy's eyes landed on her she went running.  I ran behind with my camera.



It's been since March that we'd seen her.  The kids had only talked to her a few times on the phone.

The trip was just too short and mixed with our schedules it was just so rushed.

As she was tucking my kids into bed last night, Bubba asked, "Why do you have to live in Arizona?"

She had no real answer.

She laid with Buggy and cried.  "Don't go back, Grammie," Buggy cried, "just stay here with us."

With tears in their eyes, they hugged.

I'd like to say, PLEASE COME BACK, but when I do I feel selfish.  She's still not figured out herself.  She still feels so lost, so torn.  The life she is creating in Arizona is not bringing the joy she had hoped, or at least not fast enough.  Her heart is still here, but she doesn't know how she fits in here or how she fits in anywhere.

She applauded me for a good job and "making it" on my own.

I am sure it was a compliment, but it's a double edge sword.  I am making it without my Mom here, but it's not that I don't need her, I tried to explain.  However, I don't want her back here until she's ready.  I don't want her back here until SHE decides that HERE is where she belongs, where SHE wants to be.

Until then, we will miss her, we will wish she were here and I will continue to hope that she finds what she is looking for within herself even if a part of us is missing and a part of her is missing us.

I want to like her, but she's too damn nice.

This is where I sound like a bitter, snotty teenager, stomping her feet in protest...but, nonetheless, it is how I feel right now.

My Mom and Step Dad got divorced.

I know I've talked about it here a few times. Their divorce has really hit me harder than my own divorce.

Shortly after my Mom moved to Arizona, my step dad started dating.

My Mom had been dabbling in the online dating, which still is weird for me to say...My mom...online dating...but whatever.

I don't remember the first time I met Step Dad's girlfriend, but it was at Thanksgiving that I just decided, she's just too nice.

Can that be possible? Can someone be too stinking nice??? Can you dislike them because they are too nice?

She pulls out the chair next to me at Thanksgiving, "Is it OK if I sit by you, Stacie?"

Conversation at the table had been about change, divorce, etc. She leans in, her dark hair spilling onto my shoulder, "If you ever need anything, Stacie, you can..." she was interrupted by the waitress, "...we can talk later." She looks at me with her beautiful blue puppy dog eyes.

It was that moment that had my blood BOILING. I couldn't wait for our buffet Thanksgiving meal to be over.

I walked out of there, cursing her. I wanted to like her. I didn't want her in my lap, like a puppy dog, begging at my feet for approval.

Each time that I have seen her since then it's been more of the same.

Mother's day we had a cookout at my Aunt's. I was sitting inside watching the start of the Blackhawks game (GO HAWKS), my wheel chair bound gramma was outside. Miss lovely, *rolls eyes*, pops her head in the door and asks how long I am staying. She wanted to make sure she had some time to visit with me, but she was going to start her visiting outside with my gramma.

"Are you going to be here a while?" Her smile beamed.

At that point I felt like standing up and leaving. Nope, sorry Miss Sunshine, I don't have time for you. Who are you anyway?

I really think what's rubbing me wrong is her overly eagerness to be "friends" with me. Truthfully if she'd back off a little, I might just like her more.

I've talked to a friend that knows her.

"Is she always this nice and sunshiney?" I whined.

"Yes, I think so." She answered.

*bitch*

One on One, I'm better.

I just am much better when there's just one...

There are so many times that I think, MAN! I rock this mom business...when there is only one of them.

When there are two, I feel more like I am a referee than a participant in their lives. Buggy knows how to push Bubba's buttons and Bubba, well, he's a handful and even more so when his sister is around.

When we were in Arizona my mom and I were sitting outside talking. She had just finished off a half bottle of wine and started in about my kids. Bubba's behavior, Buggy's weight, she went on and on about their "issues". She babbled about her concerns for an hour.

I like hearing advise about what I could be doing better, about things that others observe good and bad. However, after an hour and a half bottle of wine later (her drinking, not mine...and now that I think of it, maybe I should have had a drink too maybe then I could have had a better rebuttal.) I had heard enough.

I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, "Mom, I hear you, and I appreciate your concerns, but I can't sit here and listen anymore. If you have suggestions as to how I could improve I am willing to listen, however, all you've done is babble about what you see as wrong. You have no constructive criticism, you have no tips on how I can be better."

"I know, honey, hell, look I wasn't and still am not the best mother in the world, but I just see things and want you to be aware." She said.

"Oh, well, thank you. I am aware. What I am not aware of is how to correct the situation."

"Yeah, me either." She sighed.

I filed most of the conversation in my whatever file, but one thing stung enough to still be on my mind since returning.

She said, "I see you repeating my, for lack of a better word, mistakes."

*gulp*

I strive to be better, not the best, not perfect, but BETTER than what I felt my parents were in my life.

Growing up, from what I remember and have been told, I was the "perfect" child, but that is in comparison to my brother who had and still has tons of issues and lack of good judgement.

The reason I was "good" was because it was EXPECTED of me, I constantly took the backseat, hands folded in my angelic way on my lap. So much of my Mom's time was devoted to putting out the fires my brother created. I was praised for being good, he was punished for being naughty.

My good behavior got me (little) attention, but the negative attention (much more) my brother "needed" put me on the back burner. I did as I was told, I did what would please others, hoping that if I did enough I would also get the attention.

MY mom sees this same pattern happening with Buggy and Bubba. I have to say, she just might be right AND THAT HURTS.

*bigger gulp*

After returning home, I talked to Buggy about the attention she gets and/or doesn't get. I told her I miss her and want to have more time with her. I apologized for the time that Bubba sucks away from us and that I want to do something to change that.

So far, all I've come up with is a later bedtime.

Buggy and I walk Bubba to bed, tuck his punk ass in and then "pretend" to send Buggy to bed as well. If we don't pretend he will ruin our time throwing a fit until she is in bed. We walk into her room, turn on her radio, make loud good night kisses, shut off the light and tip-toe out to the living room.

She is loving the sneakiness of it all, which isn't the message I want her to get, but we have enjoyed at least an extra half hour a night together, just her and I. She chooses what we do. Watch TV, play Wii, read, whatever she wants.

Tomorrow, we are dropping Bubba off at Capt'n Cancel's (HOPEFULLY) and heading to a Brownies trip together...we are pretty excited about it.

Small steps, I know, but hopefully they are big enough in her eyes for her to know I care.



This being a mom to two kids...is a lot harder than I would have expected at times.

Who's the fool?

Yeah, so I didn't post yesterday. I'm a fool.

Bubba was a HANDFUL yesterday morning...and well, close to "that time" (tmi?) I wasn't much better behaved. We flew out of the house at least 10 minutes earlier than necessary just because I couldn't WAIT to get to work where it's peaceful.

On my way to work I get a text from MR.FF. The gist of the text was he left Rudy, his dog, out all night long by accident and he got off of the leash and they couldn't find him.

Being the LOVING AND COMPASSIONATE *cough-gullible-cough* woman that I am, I responded with a huge "oooohhhh noooo :-("

Hook, line and sinker.

Oh, but Mr.FF did.not.stop.there. Oh no.

"I think I see a pile of brown, white and black on the road" he texted.

"Oh Stacie. Onion is bailing" my phone chimed.

By this time I am about in tears. All to get slammed with a huge APRIL FOOL'S.

Now. I take back all those nice things I've said about you Mr.FF. You are NOT NICE, you are EVIL, and...and...and...you got me. BRAT!

Well, I was so distraught that I couldn't even blog.

Ok, that's not true, but I did let him think that I was really mad about it all day.

What? That's fair. I even gave him some "acceptable" April Fool's trickery, to which he laughed at the childlikeness of them, but whatever.

Anyfool's, so I didn't post yesterday that was NO joke.

Our Thursday edition of Spring Break vacation takes us to "the mountain".

"The mountain" that my Mom claims called to her, transformed her, and helped her to make some difficult decisions about her life.

"HE, is the reason I am here kids." She said as we drove to Apache Junction. "He is so majestic."

The kids giggled at her assignment of a pronoun to a THING. Just as they giggle at me naming our TV, Betsy.

I know, apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

(Betsy is a GREAT name for a TV, she talks to me, she really does...)

Apache Junction is a desolate area, lots of run down trailers, closed businesses and really dead looking. Yet just beyond all of that lays the Superstition Mountain. It really is beautiful.

"If you feel this mountain is so majestic and beautiful, why is it a HE and not a SHE?" I poked.

Have a heyday with that Frued.



We pull into Tonto National Forest, pay our fees, converse with the ranger about the pending gloom of the park. Due to economical times, the park will be closing.

SAD.



Maybe Saguaro's like THIS answer the debate between the HE and SHE naming of "the mountain".






We hiked to the mountain, it was a lot steeper than it looked. By the time we got to the first cluster of rocks, we the kids were done walking. Every where I looked it was just beautiful and seemed to go on forever.

It was on this trip that Buggy declared that she wants to be a photographer when she grows up.





This is a "thank you" to the mountain. There were all kinds of rocks stacked like this along the trail.




As sweet as this looks, he REALLY was rebuilding MY "thank you" to the mountain that he kicked over.



After our hike back to the car we drove across the street to an old gold mining ghost town. We ate "mammoth burgers" out on the deck over looking "the mountain" while a man sang country songs.



I think he's singing, "Hey little lady with the camera, wanna boot scoot boogie?" either that or he was really use to people taking his picture. He could sing, play guitar AND smile all at the same time.

*claps*


*whistles the John Wayne tune*

We went on a mine tour, learned about the gold they found, the hours they worked, the money they made. The tour guide talked about woman not being allowed to work in the mines, but that they could make more in an hour than the men did in 12 hours.

The Brothel.



Ok, this post is taking too long (TWSS), so let me end by sharing my favorite photo of the day and to say, though I didn't feel the "magic" my mother felt from that mountian doesn't mean she didn't feel it. Just because SHE was inspired to change her entire life doesn't mean I didn't give that mountain a swift kick for pulling my Mother so far from me.

*take that mountain*

Ok here is my favorite picture.


Have a great holiday weekend everyone.
HOPPY EASTER!!!

Get me a ticket on an airplane...

Get your ticket to ride.

(TWSS)

I'm booking our Spring Break trip.

We are headed to Phoenix to see my Mom.



I don't know why, but when booking these trips I get so nervous.

Anyone remember me booking our Disney trip last year?

(Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)

I was sooo flustered when I finally clicked the button to purchase I made an error and had to call the airlines to change our flight.

Because of that change we spent TWO extra days down there that weren't originally planned. Instead of leaving the 26th of December we flew out on Christmas Eve and spent our first ever Christmas away from home.

In the end, it did all turn out wonderfully, ya know minus the fact that soon to be ex was with me.

Anyway. Spring Break starts March 22.

(Hi. My name is Stacie and I am a procrastinator.)

I know, a short three weeks away. I have hem-hawed around about purchasing tickets.

I mean, have you checked the prices for airfare?

Cause I have and it's RIDICULOUS.

Friday as I was leaving work my boss came in and informed me that there will be a bonus this year! WOOOT!!!

Though it's only half of last years, it's still money I didn't have to begin with...

SOOOOO I booked our tickets.

I was so nervous.

I sat so long on the screen waiting to hit "purchase" ticket that I had to start over because I couldn't refresh the page.

Not really sure why I was nervous, but I did it.

PHOENIX, HERE WE COME!

So, anyone want to guest blog? LOL

(total side note, I still haven't thought of a nickname for "friend" but have had some giggles over your suggestions. Click here if you haven't make YOUR suggestion yet.)

Whoa...

Seriously, you guys....THIS is crazy...HE is crazy (about me) and it's just so wonderfully awesome...

I am posting this here...because it blows me away.

He has read my blog for a very long...probably since I've started.

It's no surprise really, most of my closest friends know about my blog.

He has never commented in the comments section, until this post.

Here is his response.

*heart beats fast*

Anonymous said...
This is "Friend".
The way you support me, the way you love me, the friendship you give to me, the way you make me laugh, the ways you make me feel important, the warmth you put in my heart, and the smile you put on my face not only on Valentines day, but every day is worth a million times more than any gift that can be delivered or put inside of a card. I thank my lucky stars for you and not only do I not feel cheated, but wonder what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as YOU!!!
February 16, 2010 7:56 PM

I know, right????

*swoon*

He's mine ladies, MINE!

*****

The pictures from yesterday of the skating party...some of you commented on how great I look. Well, sorry to say, that's not me. That's my Mom. We went to the skating party the weekend she was here visiting.

Thank you though, she does LOOK great.

The funny thing is we really don't look that much alike, though many people think we do. I really resemble my dad's side of the family. However, my mannerisms and the way I carry myself IS totally in line with how my Mom is behaviorally.

Skating was a total blast...ya know when I wasn't holding a 125 lb buggy up from falling. By the end of the two hour skate for all, she was KINDA getting the hang of it and by the end of the two hour skate for all, my thighs and butt were screaming from helping her. It was a blast though and something I'd love to take the kids to again sometime.

When Buggy wasn't hanging on to me for life, I skated a little something like this.

Oh yes, I have moves people.



*****

Auditors will be here Monday and Tuesday, thank goodness. I dislike (very much) this time of year at work. My boss gets in such a tizzy. He really infringes on my blogging/facebooking/anything but working time.

*****

Bubba was adorable watching the Olympics last night. I almost didn't have the heart to tell him it was bedtime because he was enjoying them so much.

I did send him to bed, but recorded the snowboarding for him. :)

*****

Buggy comes home tonight, she's been gone now for almost a week. BOY do I miss her.

*****

The guy I like for Idol made it through to the top 24...hope he does well. Just for record, I like Andrew Garcia. In case he wins it all, I can say, I liked him from the get go. MMMK?

*****

I have a bet going for the Bachelor with Sissy from My Kids Might Be Martians. A bag of my favorite candy is at stake here people so THINK TINLY for me, k?

Sissy, good luck girl. Bet accepted. :) Get ready to hit that local walmart for my candy. *devilish smile*

*****

Ok, I think that's all for me now...sorry I haven't been around too much commenting...hopefully after next week I will get my "time" back.

Wordless- Skate Party

for other wordless wednesday entries...click HERE

Dear Mom,

What I'd hoped was to see you more at ease.

What I'd hoped was to see you more comfortable in your own skin.

What I'd hoped was to see a refreshed look in your eyes.

Yet when I saw you, the hope washed away.

Your struggle with your decisions clearly still creasing your forehead. Your eyes still sting with resentment, hurt and fear. Your heart still wildly beats out of your chest at the mention of the past twenty five years. Your balance on your own two feet is that of a newborn folly.

I won't pretend that I know how it feels, or that I could or would handle things any differently than you have. I wish you peace, I wish you love and I wish you to find who you are and come back to us.

Did I tell you?

Did I tell you?

My Mom is here.

*mom's home jig*

She arrived last night and she is sitting at my house right now. Waiting for Bubba and I to get home.

Did I tell you?

Yesterday was the most stress filled day I've had so far this year...at least work wise.

I tend to cause undue stress on myself in other areas on a regular basis.

*cheesy grin*

In the midst of having a crappy workday, Buggy's school called to tell me she had a sore throat and fever.

I quickly called her Dad to see if he could pick her up. This is just not the season for me to miss work.

Kudos to Buggy's dad, not only did he pick her up, but he arranged to keep her overnight and today until he went to work.

*does thank you for being "active" in your daughter's life praises*

Did I tell you?

A new nickname has been created for Ex#2?

Funny all kinds of blog nicknames come to mind for that...that....person. Yet I can't for the life of me come up with one for my "friend". ANYWAY...

*drum roll*


Captain Cancel. That's Ex#2's nickname.

*insert explicits here* Captain Cancel.

Captain Cancel and SuperMom (that's me, in case you're confused. *ahem*) are gonna battle it out in the superworld.

*adjusts cape*

He CONTINUALLY tells the children what he MIGHT do, or MAYBE do, or TRY to do. Let's just say, he only REALLY does what he says he might, maybe or tries to do about 10% of the time. I might be giving him a slightly better percentage than truth.

Problem, one of many, with his word is I KNOW IT'S NO GOOD. The kids on the other hand, are finding that out, the hard way. SuperMom no likey. SuperMom also no likey the aftermath that ensues with Captain Cancel plays his cancellation game.

Found a quote other day, Jesse Jackson (of whom, i am not a super fan, however, do like this quote. One up to Jesse, pump up the fruit *pumps fist on chest*) "your children need your presence more than your presents."

Let me just add that even a "classy" Jesse would throw in a mofo at the end when speaking in reference to Captain Jackass Cancel.

SuperMom is nothing if not classy, so Captain Cancel here's to you:

"Your children need your PRESENCE more than your PRESENTS (quote, unquote) MOFO.

*flips the Captain a super bird*




Did I tell you?

I am glad today is Thursday.

Dog snuggles?

Online Dating, Take one.
Scene.
My mom out on a date with man from dating site.

Nice resturant, good food, great wine.

guy- do you like camping?
mom- yes! I do, I love to camp and be outdoors.
guy- do you like dogs?
mom- yes, I've trained some of our dogs and have had dogs.
guy- do you mind if the dogs sleep with you?
mom- I'd prefer the dogs not sleep with me.
guy- oh, that's not cool. My dogs sleep in my sleeping bag with me.

*crickets*

guy- so if you and I are having sex in my sleeping bag under the stars I would want the dogs in the sleeping bag with us.

mom *chokes on drink*

guy- ok, this isn't going to work out.

-exit stage left.


THIS my friends is online dating....even after all this my mom STILL thinks it wise (or she has a sick sense of humor) that I join...and ya know, give it a whirl.

*blink blink*

I don't think so, though it would prove to be good blog material....

You never know who you'll meet...

After my first divorce, I dabbled in some online dating.

I NEVER told my mom the truth of where I was meeting some of these guys.

I could just hear her, you met them WHERE? How do you know it's safe? You better use protection.

That was nine years ago.

Now after my second divorce, it hasn't even been much of a thought to use online dating. I'm just not really into it.

First of all, late night online sex chats don't work very well with no home computer I don't have the time to research the guys and secondly, I'd rather find someone by chance, fate even.

There's something exciting about meeting someone in the produce section of the grocery store and catching his eye and having enough of a connection that has to talk to me.

I'm a romantic like that.

*cue Disney Princess music*

But before I get too deep in my fantasies, let me get back to the point of this post.

Yes there's a point.

Shut up.

Last week before Thanksgiving I was working feverishly to get all of my blogging work done before the holiday break. I was jammin' along to the radio when I heard the song that always brings memories of my mom.

Can't Always Get What You Want - Rolling Stones.

She'd always sing that to us kids when we went to Santa with our big lists of all things to do with killing asked for something she didn't deem necessary.

I got teary eyed, cause she's all living in Arizona now. *rolls eyes*

So I sent her an IM, telling her how much I was missing her and how the holiday wasn't going to be the same without her, blah blah blah mushy mushy. I even told her I was upset about the situation and the drama that lead up to her moving.

She responded and what she responded with made me want to gauge my eyes out with the nearest sharp object.

She said, *deep breath*, that she is HAPPY there in AZ and that she is content. She wishes nothing more than for me to be content with my life.

That part was all fine and dandy.

This next part is what will have me gagging in disgust.

She said, *another deep breath*, she was GOING on a DATE with a man that SHE MET THROUGH ONLINE DATING.

I'll wait a minute, let that sink in.

(that's what he said)

OK, got that?????

My fifty something year old mother is participating in ONLINE FUCKING DATING.

(Note to any single men that may or may not be reading in or around the Arizona area...back the F off...I am not kidding.)

Let me just say right now, to each his own or her own. I am not opposed to 50 year olds online dating...but PEOPLE...this is my MOTHER... and quite frankly it BLOWS my mind how times have changed. I don't think I like change.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go grocery shopping.

Randoms.

-Twitter status "well, at least it's Friday"
-if you're going to follow me on Twitter, why would you keep your status private?
-why the hell do I care? I'm never on Twitter.
-can I say Twitter one more time? TWIT.

-On the mom situation. I know she NEEDS to go. I know it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
-I'm the only reason (and my brother, I suppose) she's been here for as long as she has.
-Apparently even 50-something year olds can still act like immature children, kicking and screaming when their toy has been taken away.
-Idiots.

-I'm going to have a piece of cheesecake, f*ck it.
-I was mean to Porky yesterday, sorry bud. It's easier to be angry (snarky) than sad. I took it out on your scrawny ass; I'm sorry. I got your love package, ;) thank you.
-I ate that cheesecake too fast, feeling sick now.
-I need to get back to exercising.

-I hate the cold, but what I hate more is my co-worker blowing her heater right at her cootch making the office smell like hot fish.
-I think I just puked up a little of my cheesecake.

-I'm taking pictures for a high school senior this weekend, any tips?

-I'm attending a 60th birthday party this weekend. I might break out the heels and get gussied up.

-There is something to be said about a friend that you've had for YEARS. They are a priceless gift of knowledge about you, your family and your heart. I love you Kimmy Sue.
-It's about time I go visit her again. Perhaps for Thanksgiving again.

K, there's plenty more, but it's so snarky and mean spirited that I'm going to end this and say have a happy weekend.

What's AZ got?

meh.

I haven't gotten deep here in a while.

(That's what he said)

If you don't want sappy and whiney then reference back to yesterday's post, mmmk?

You've been warned.

Well. She's leaving. She's moving to Arizona. She says she can't make a life here now that she is divorced. She can't be around town known as his wife or ex wife. She doesn't want to be here.

So she's moving.

And I'm pissed. I'm sad.

It's my mom. My blood, the only blood that I really have contact with on a normal basis.

Why aren't I good enough for her to stay?

There, I said it.

I know this is ridiculous, stinkin thinkin, but my heart goes there and my mind wrings the heart's neck for thinking it.

As much as I've said don't go, she's going. As much as I've made a case for staying, she's going. There's nothing I can do, she's going.

Another Mom Post...

Thank you all for your comments on my Mother's Day post. There was ONE comment though that had me confused.

I think the commenter THOUGHT that the picture posted was OF MY MOM and my kids.

*surprised*

The picture was of ME AND MY KIDS...so, wait.

I look old enough to be a gramma? *shocked*

It's all good, cause, MY MOM doesn't look old enough to be a grammy, but she is.

Here is MY MOM and MY KIDS on Mother's Day.



My mom is young. IN my opinion, she is vibrant and lively. She talks with her hands over excitedly and I love it.

She likes to tell people that she's my sister, people actually do ask if we are and when they call her bluff she admits she had me when she was twelve. Which is only five years from the truth.

If there is any question whether my mom is strong or not chew on that for a minute. Seventeen, having a baby. She dropped out of high school to have me, went back for her GED and has even completed college courses since. Eleven months after I was born she (ok, we but I was little) welcomed (kinda) my brother. She lived as best as she could as a teenager with TWO kids under TWO.

She wishes that she had done things differently; but it is what she went through that pulls me through each day. If SHE did it at that young age, perfectly or not so perfectly, then I know I can do it and do it a little bit better!



If this is what 52 looks like then I am blessed. If that is what 52 acts like then I will love it. If at 52 I can be HALF the woman that I think my Mom is, then I will be pleased with my life.

I love MOM

She may not be perfect, but she is MINE.

and my brother's...

and my sister's...

but she's mine too.

There is a lot that I've learned from my Mom. She is a sweet person, sometimes too sweet and nice. Overall that isn't a bad thing. She has a big heart, she will give and give until she can't anymore.

She is a nature lover. She has shown me the joys of being outside and seeing the beauty that grows around us. She knows her flowers, she has TRIED to teach me that as well. Green thumbs aren't inherited, but it is loved and itimidated as much as possible.

I love my Mom's energy. She exudes happiness. When you see her, her face lights up. Emotions worn on her face is a trait I did inherit.

She is strong. She's been through so much in her life, so many things that would break a person. She may be damaged by them, but she is still living life and making herself a better person daily. I admire her.

Though times are tough for her right now and all of these traits are teetering, it is all of them that will get her through this and will make me follow in the same fashion.

I love you Mom, I need you Mom and I hope that she knows it.

Don't mean to brag

BUT...OMG I HAVE TO BRAG.

After the Saturday mowing poopville (which one of the comments from yesterday cracked me up...has to do with a weed whacker and dog poo...mouth and face, buahahah), the kids were picked up by soon to be ex hubby for his "visitation".

I thought (off topic, this is not the bragging part yet) it wouldn't be too hard to see them off, I am use to Buggy going to HER dad's...however, when soon to be ex showed up, I felt the immediate anger running through my body. It hit me right to the core, when I thought both kids were safely in the car, I let the tears rush over my face.

I heard the door open and there Buggy was to give me a hug goodbye. She totally caught me pouring my heart out through my eyes. Immediately she lost it, hugged me so tightly and shouted, "I'm NOT GOING..."

I quickly wiped my face and apologized, I asked her if she wanted to go to Nana's (where soon to be ex is living) she said, yes, but not if I was going to be sad.

*kicks self in ass*

Anyway, she went. I was all alone...and I survived. They survived (I know, still not to the bragging part of post, damn, I digress).

So....Sunday, the realtor had an open house (completely different blog topic). I had to find something to do (by myself!!) from 1-3. I quickly called up my Mom, said, rescue me.

"Mom, I have an afternoon to myself and I have to leave the house...wanna go shopping?"




She agreed. I dug through my gift certificate basket. I had a $30 Kohl's that I won from Calicobebop, (I know right?)and another $50 Kohl's from Christmas. So $80 not my own money to spend, sweet!!

Off we went, filing through the racks, admiring the shoes, eyeballing purses, fondling bras, we covered every inch of Kohl's and I loved it.

When our cart was full we headed to the try on rooms. Everything I tried on FIT...and even one pair of pants were too big.

Do you know how AMAZING that is? To be this size, to find stock in my size, to get to the room and they ALL FIT???

I have been at my Weight Watchers goal weight since last July, but it took me standing in that fitting room surrounded by mirrors to finally REALIZE, I am at my goal weight...and there isn't much more I would lose to be done with the weight loss journey.

I had a black little dress that I tried on and OH HOLY MOLY. I almost bought it just BECAUSE, I f-ing looked good...hot even. I am not one that considers myself HOT by ANY MEANS...but this dress...um. HOT.

My Mom, said, "well hello single world, here YOU come...holy cow sista!"

I am sure I blushed a little, but I was more shocked. Is that ME in the mirror...Holy Cats (like that Brian?) I looked amazing.

I didn't buy the dress because I could only see myself wearing it out on a date and well, I don't plan on dating...so, I put it back much to my Mom's dismay.

However, I did get....THREE pairs of work pants. THREE new pairs of shoes!! ONE new RED purse. ONE work and/or date appropriate dress!!!

SERIOUSLY...IT WAS AWESOME. Yeah, I spent more than the $80 gift certificates, but to have pants that actually fit is sweet, an awesome new dress, new purse and THREE shoes...totally PRICELESS. :D

As my Mom and I were leaving the store, I exclaimed, "WOW, shopping is so much more fun now that I have lost that weight!!!"

I hope to get pictures to show it all off...maybe for a WORDLESS Wednesday...you can just imagine me squealing as you look at the shoes loot.

Here's a sneak peak at one pair of shoes...

Mine are black and I am wearing them today, it better not snow out. :D

Mama, she's coming home.

I was so excited to get the call. It was my mom. She's coming home.

As I told her how much I missed her and was so glad she was coming, she sounded ready to be heading back herself.

Though she has many trials and tribulations to go through here with her own divorce, it is TIME she face the music. I can tell that she is hesitant, but knows that it is what she has to do.

I am just THRILLED to have her back. I know I have lots of family members that are "there" for me, but no one can match the embrace and comfort of a mother. Of MY Mother.

She is flying home on April 1st.

"Oh, April Fool's Day!" I giggled.

"Yeah, I am a fool alright!" She retorted.

I don't care if she is a fool or not. I can't wait for her to be home.

After I hung up I cried a little. Buggy asked why I was sad.

"I'm not sad, I am happy that Grammy is coming home, I miss her. There is nobody like a mommy."

I stood there hugging Buggy a little longer than she liked normal.

Mama, she's coming home!!!

Tearing me up.

Just rip me to shreds.

I am stuck in the middle of two people I love, not because they are putting me there, but because my heart breaks for them both.

Back in October, my Mom told me the news that I had known was coming. Her and my step-dad, B, were getting a divorce.

I knew at the time that is was more of my Mom's decision than it was my step-dads. I have done pretty well trying to stay away from the topic as much as I can.

Last night I called,my Step Dad, B (lovingly known by my kids as GrampB or Grampy), to let him know about an upcoming event honoring Buggy's artwork this weekend. I got his voicemail so I left a message.

A few minutes later he called back. The normal greetings were shared, Hi and how are you? LOADED QUESTION I found out very quickly. The man broke down over the phone, crying so hard that he couldn't even speak.

Shit. I thought, what did I just get into? What happened? Why did I ask how he was doing? It's a normal question right? Most of the time you expect others to say Fine even if it isn't true, don't you?

Through his tears, he says he will just call me back later.

Yet, when he did, the tears weren't gone. His pain boiled through the phone. My heart breaks for him and there is nothing I can do about it. I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I searched for words.

There are no words, I can't speak for my Mom's actions. I can't speak for feelings that aren't my own.

When I did try to console I only felt like I was betraying my Mom. I felt stuck in the middle of a situation that I have been trying to not stick myself into.

I know his intent was not to put me in the middle and I know his intent was not for me to answer his questions of WHY, but I felt torn.

Pieces of me are being ripped apart by THEIR divorce. I don't know how many pieces of my heart can be divided to still remain intact.

I love them both, but I can't do or say anything to change the situation. The feeling of helplessness is unbearable. The heartbreak is inevitable.

Mine is breaking FOR them.

Ok, so here's the deal.

I was going to do a random Thursday post, in which I wanted to rename it to THROW DOWN (the randoms) THURSDAY. SO I start typing, knowing all along that there just THINGS in my head that I want to type about, but couldn't get the ole brain to connect it all to typing. Therefore, I started the random THROW DOWN THURSDAY *echo Thursday Thursday* and here was where I started...and apparently where it will end, cause that is a full blow post, not just a THROW DOWN.

So here it goes...



Two years ago, my mom had the idea that she wanted to become a snow bird (fly south, way south as in 1,768.07 miles south). She took off for Arizona at the beginning of January (maybe it was February, not sure) and was set to return at the end of March. She THOROUGHLY enjoyed her months living down there, I even went to visit and agreed that it was BEAUTIFUL and totally livable in the winter months.



The following year, my sister moved home (she lived in AZ, another reason my mom loved being down there) so, my mom just decided to not go down that year. It really had been a sore spot between her and my step dad anyway. (He stayed here to work while she lived (and worked) down there).



Now onto THIS year...her and my step dad are getting a divorce and she has decided to do the "snow bird" thing again this year. However, I don't see her coming back at all this time. Maybe to clear up the loose ends in getting the divorce finalized, but that is it.


I have several conflicting feelings on this potential change of scenery for her...it's a battle of the brain vs the heart...the selfish vs the selfless...

1) She deserves to be happy and if Arizona makes her happy then I am all for it.

Damn, I really don't want her living that far away, why can't WE make her happy, what are WE missing that she needs?

2) It gives me a great place to vacation to, if I wanted.

Seriously, only seeing my Mom on occasion is totally not cool...besides with the upcoming divorce in MY world, who is to say I will EVER be able to afford vacationing again?

3) My expectations I have for her, might possibly be better met with her so many miles away.

fuck that is just sad...seriously. I think that she MIGHT be a better Grammy living that far away, she will be forced (if we can ever afford to vacation there) to spend one on one time with the kids...and me. She MIGHT be a more attentive Mother, if she has less distractions of her friends here. In time, though, she will have friends there too..but a trip from miles and miles (1,768.07 miles) away may require the TIME that I wished she would give me living here.

4) I do want her to be happy (so I guess this goes along with #1)

I fear though, she won't be happy! This happiness issue is deeper than geography.

5) This is all just me GUESSING she isn't returning...setting myself up for the decision, and maybe, I am all wrong.

I hate being wrong...and we will wait and see...how it all pans out...but if I am RIGHT, I WILL say I told you so...whoever "you" are...


She left February 1st, and I am trying to not be sad about it, I am trying to not worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet, so why waste the time worrying?

Plus if it does happen, there isn't anything I can do to change it, therefore I will just have to deal with it, so why worry about it NOW?

It sure has been on my mind a lot lately...and maybe now, just getting it out of my head, I will be able to better process my feelings about it and move on.