LoveStoned

Love this song but the MIGHTY FINE Justin Timberlake.

****warning, some dirty talk...beware, if you don't want to hear, read tomorrow where I might be back to my normal broadcasting****

The other night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about things I want to improve upon in myself. One of the things that I have been digging at is my issues with my father...and wondering how it my have scripted my relationships I have had growing up.

In some ways, it has left me feeling unlovable. I know, you all are going to post nice things and say that I am lovable (your check is in the mail) but REALLY...(I might even close comments on this) as embarrassing and as much as I know it is untrue, I do have that feeling.

Not to say, that I haven't come a long way, because, oh friends, I have. Come a long way.

It is just still there. A little.

I look back on past relationships, there really weren't too many that stand out. I was a one man girl (except for a couple "slips" and then that one year I attended Ball State University, but I digress). I usually was the girl with a boyfriend, all.the.time.

I couldn't be alone, didn't want to be alone and really I feel like I jumped into a relationship with current hubby for the same reason.

I think I just wanted to be LOVED. PERIOD. Who doesn't want that?

My first real love was (as I remember) perfect. I don't think I am over dramatizing it either, it was real, it was simple, it was perfect. When he went on to college and I was still in high school, I thought we should break up. HE should have the time of his life and somehow I didn't think I fit into it. NOW I think, I might have been putting him to a test and he FAILED by taking the bait.

It was a miserable year for me. My grades dropped and I was just broken.

Then came MR GET LAID, we dated for quite a while, once he got what he wanted (which did take some time) he and I split. Besides the fact that he "disappeared" at prom and was "seen" with his ex girlfriend dancing. Whateva. He failed all things not even tested.

Third love in high school was a NICE GUY. Sweet Virgin and I dated most of my senior year. I got most of what I needed from him as far as love, acceptance and such...and what do I do? I cheat on him with First Love. (you can only do so many blow jobs before you want the "real" thing)(and nothing beats a first love, ever)(not that I am condoning what I did in any way, whatsoever)

After high school I went off to BSU and well, um, yeah.

After my year of "fun" I had to come back to reality and move back home. First guy that shows interest when I move back becomes hubby number 1, though, he is NOT A #1 HUBBY TO ME... therefore he is EX # 1.

I thought we had a good relationship, though I see now it was a parallel one. He did his thing, I did my thing, and we met in the middle sometimes (rarely). I would attend all kinds of parties alone. They all joked around about if I was REALLY married.

There were times in our marriage that I remember playing hard to get, in so many ways. Almost testing him to see how he would react...if he would keep trying, if he would stop loving me. It's stupid, I know that now.

After a miscarriage and another pregnancy (Buggy) it became obvious that he had moved to "greener" pastures. He left when I was six months pregnant, swearing he wasn't with "anyone"...we were divorced six months after Buggy was born.

On to Current Hubby, I knew him through some friends, I knew by the way that he looked at me that he was interested. I had a friend set us up. Buggy was four months old, I was sexually frustrated, I was needing to feel loved by a man. He fit the bill, he was really into me and I was thankful to have someone.

He loves me in his own way, but it isn't (as you all have read) a mature love or a healthy love.

I don't really know where this post is going, but after all this reflection I am not so eager to be in a relationship again, for my own healthy reasons. There is so much I need to do to give myself the love that I have been searching for all this time. To give myself the unconditional love.

It is my time to love me.