Not All ...

Yesterday's post is in no way ME generalizing or stereotyping ALL MEN.

Sure the man who "fathered" me is an ass and the man that "fathered" my son is a major ass, but there are good men out there.

(Ironically or not so ironically, they are both alcoholics...common theme, I seem to think so...and maybe THAT is a bitter resentful generalization and stereotype that I am spewing.  See shoe fit.)

I am lucky to be involved with one, Mr.F.  My daughter is lucky to have one that she calls Daddy.  I am lucky to have a step dad has willing stepped up to partake in my life as a Father figure.

There are men out there that are GREAT fathers and Dad's and to them I say, hey...HAPPY LATE FATHER'S DAY.

I know it's an uphill battle for those men to get the recognition they deserve and they should be acknowledge as IMPORTANT parts of their family dynamics.

Just as there are jerky men out there that don't step up to the parenting plate, there are craptastic Moms too.

So, just wanted to put that out there so you all know that I do know that there are good men out there, there are Dad's who care and WANT to be a part of their child's life.  Unfortunately, two men in my life are missing out on their opportunities to have that chance. 

Ice this - poo monkeys.

As some of you guessed, yesterday's post had some alternative meaning....however, SYD, it did not have to do with Mr.F spreading icing on me....though it's a great thought.

*mental note*

I do like a big fat chunk of irony and even though there was an alternative meaning to the icing on the cake it also had some relevance.

I went over to Mr.F's last night to "help" him with another cake order he received.  So there was icing involved just not in the kinky way SYD suggested or fantasized about.

Pervert!!  I like where your head is though.

Although I can't really discuss what the alternative meaning was cause I'm all mysterious like that, it makes me hot to read.  I can tell you all that...it just doesn't stop.

The madness just keeps on rollin.

Maybe I'm just over exaggerating everything, but it sure feels like shit is being thrown all around me and it's almost getting comical to watch me dodge the poo flinging monkeys. 



At least after a good cry or a stomp of my foot, I am laughing.

Manically laughing, but laughing just the same.

As I've stated before, Ex#1-Buggy's Dad and I are doing a split summer visitation schedule for the first time in nine years.

I don't like it.  Our agreed upon schedule is that I get Buggy every weekend during "his" time, except the first weekend her Nana called and she wanted her for the night.  Now this on the second weekend of this new schedule Ex#1 texted me about picking Buggy up Saturday or Sunday whichever was better.

"Whoa," I screeched if you can screech on text, "I thought I got her every weekend...why can't you pick her up on Monday?"

His response?

"Father's Day."

Well, hell on wheels.  Father's effing day. 

To make matters worse, if there such a thing, the "father's day" text came at 6 am this morning.  A mere 3 hours after I had gone to bed due to master baking with Mr.F. 

After a few choice words to myself, I texted back.  "OK, Sunday @4 is fine".  It was only right that I give her up that day.  If it were HIS weekend for Mother's Day he'd give her up to me.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO.
I don't want to share.
BOOOOO.
*pouts*

Other tidbits you tally whackers is...it's Captain Cancel's weekend...and I haven't heard a word from him about picking Bubba up at all this weekend.

Bubba has a cavity...the trip to the dentist should be GREAT blogging material...but I'm not looking forward to the fight that it will take to get-r-done.

On that happy ass kicking note...hope you all have a great weekend.

How does Homer say it??? *doooh*

I was meaning to call him to talk about Bubba.

I ran into him at the school picking up our daughter when I was there picking up the Hellion.

"What are you doing here?" He said.

"Picking up Bubba, he's in trouble again."

"Oh, boys will be boys."  He snickered as our little angel daughter's face appeared in the hall.

"I am going to talk with Bugs about it this weekend, I will call you because you need to know what is going on as well."  I sighed.

Ah, but time went on and I didn't call.

*DOOOH*

I was (am) on the roller coaster in my mind. 

Up and down, around the twists and turns from thinking something TERRIBLE has happened to Bubba, back down the ride with my heart in my throat to this is just playground talk and around again.

The counseling appointment last week was just informational.  I believe the "real" work and true test will be on the next FEW appointments that she sees Bubba alone.

"Hi, I need to have some of your time to discuss what is going on with Bubba."  He sighed.

"Shit. Yes, I have been meaning to call you.  I have no excuse for not calling."

"Yeah, this is much more serious than I had thought.  If Bubba is being exposed to something than it could very well be happening to our daughter too."

"Yes, I know."  I choked out.

He was reasonable on the phone.  Calm, but concerned. 
Basically we are getting Buggy into the counselor too, just to be safe.

All of it really has me stressed and concerned and scared. 

The "what ifs" are drowning me.

BUT I AM trying to keep my head above water and trying to take the "right" steps to getting this resolved.

Random for Tuesday

Capt'n Cancel strikes again.
This past weekend was HIS weekend, just as he has on other weekends lately, he had to work.

"What are you plans? Do you have plans?" He asked.

"My plans are that I have Bubba." I respond.

Cause that's how it's gone lately. I haven't made any major plans that didn't involve the kids, because he's such at cancel creep.

He did have Bubba on Sunday, after showing up an hour late. He picked Bubba up, went to lunch with him, was suppose to take him fishing (not sure if this really happened or not) and then promptly dropped Bubba off at his brothers so that he could go out to dinner with a high school friend.

I am sure Bubba DID want to spend the night with his cousins, but what I am even MORE sure of is that Captain Cancel took that as a golden opportunity to go out with his favorite people, himself and Coor's Light.

What an ass.

****
I've noticed a slight change in Bubba's attitude at home for the better.

I hope my crack down on him has had a positive affect on him. I hope!  I hope!  I hope!

I know that if I don't remain consistent then it was all for naught.

He has a counseling appointment on Friday.

(Don't forget my awesome nomination for parenting blog...cause my parenting skills rock...ahahahaha.)

****
My yard is pretty much cleaned up from that latest storm that blazed through.

We did chop up some of the tree in the neighbors yard and made sure that the tree from "my yard" was removed from their yard.

We would have done more to help them out had they not sat their asses in their house all weekend, even at one point they stood on their back step and WATCHED us cleaning up.

Kinda ruined our good deed mood, ya know?

As my insurance adjuster said, it's their problem let THEM worry about their fence and yard.

Jacktards.

****
Buggy's dad, the total opposite of Captain Cancel, after having his child support re-evaluated last year realized that he is allowed to have Buggy for one half of the summer.

Therefore he'd like to take that privilege up...NOW.

It's his right and I want to do what's best for Buggy, but IT SURE SUCKS. I don't want to share her THAT much. :)

Can't please me, one Dad that never takes his kid and one Dad that takes his kid too much. Neither situation makes me happy. ;)

Well, after mapping it out on a calendar, we are going to try our first split summer visitation. If it doesn't work out we can revisit and come up with a different plan for next time.

****
Bubba said to me last night, "Why can't I spend the summer with my Dad?"

*raises fist in air*

****
I have the worse case of cramps and PMS today, so this really could qualify for a F-U Tuesday or a Totally Ticked off Tuesday...or a you better stay the fuck out of my way today...or yeah...you get my drift right?

*puffs up chest- lunges toward you intimidatingly*

****
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day...if not, it will be a wordless Wednesday for your sake and mine.

Did I tell you?

Did I tell you?

My Mom is here.

*mom's home jig*

She arrived last night and she is sitting at my house right now. Waiting for Bubba and I to get home.

Did I tell you?

Yesterday was the most stress filled day I've had so far this year...at least work wise.

I tend to cause undue stress on myself in other areas on a regular basis.

*cheesy grin*

In the midst of having a crappy workday, Buggy's school called to tell me she had a sore throat and fever.

I quickly called her Dad to see if he could pick her up. This is just not the season for me to miss work.

Kudos to Buggy's dad, not only did he pick her up, but he arranged to keep her overnight and today until he went to work.

*does thank you for being "active" in your daughter's life praises*

Did I tell you?

A new nickname has been created for Ex#2?

Funny all kinds of blog nicknames come to mind for that...that....person. Yet I can't for the life of me come up with one for my "friend". ANYWAY...

*drum roll*


Captain Cancel. That's Ex#2's nickname.

*insert explicits here* Captain Cancel.

Captain Cancel and SuperMom (that's me, in case you're confused. *ahem*) are gonna battle it out in the superworld.

*adjusts cape*

He CONTINUALLY tells the children what he MIGHT do, or MAYBE do, or TRY to do. Let's just say, he only REALLY does what he says he might, maybe or tries to do about 10% of the time. I might be giving him a slightly better percentage than truth.

Problem, one of many, with his word is I KNOW IT'S NO GOOD. The kids on the other hand, are finding that out, the hard way. SuperMom no likey. SuperMom also no likey the aftermath that ensues with Captain Cancel plays his cancellation game.

Found a quote other day, Jesse Jackson (of whom, i am not a super fan, however, do like this quote. One up to Jesse, pump up the fruit *pumps fist on chest*) "your children need your presence more than your presents."

Let me just add that even a "classy" Jesse would throw in a mofo at the end when speaking in reference to Captain Jackass Cancel.

SuperMom is nothing if not classy, so Captain Cancel here's to you:

"Your children need your PRESENCE more than your PRESENTS (quote, unquote) MOFO.

*flips the Captain a super bird*




Did I tell you?

I am glad today is Thursday.

Are you smarter than a 3rd grader?

I'm lost.
I never struggled in school, until I hit college. The only reason I struggled there was because I usually was TOO hungover to get out of bed let alone to class.

In grade school through high school, I never really had to try that hard to get good grades.

Buggy? She hasn't had to struggle either UNTIL THIS YEAR. THIS year, 3rd grade, there are two-three test PER week. PER WEEK, PEOPLE. Reading test, health test, science tests, spelling tests, it's a test fest.

I am not sure it's a lack of brain power as much as it's a lack of responsibility problem.

"Oh, I forgot my spelling words" or "I studied for that at daycare" or "Yeah, Mom, I understand *dazed look*"

Or it's a studying problem...

She got her first C on her report card. My straight A student got a C (well and a B in Math and Science too). My heart sank. What is going on?

This year the schools have gotten with the times. We have an access code that allows us to go online and see how the kids are doing. It shows each assignment, each in class activity and the tests and what their grade is for each.

Since signing up, I've seen an F *faints* on a test and now as of yesterday a D *dies* on another test. Sadly, each test that she has done poorly on has been the next day after she has been with her dad. I hate that. I do not want to be that person that says, "only I can do it right". Or point fingers not claiming the responsibility...BUT....

Maybe Ex#1 doesn't know how to help her study. Maybe Ex#1 isn't pushing her enough to study. Something isn't connecting. When a child is getting As on homework, As on class work and then fails a test...there's something wrong.

I am not sure how to handle this. I hate that I have to handle this. Makes me get angry about the way life has turned out.

Sitting in pity, though will NOT make this better/different.

Tonight all of her papers should come home from these test. I will look them over, discuss them with Buggy and then contact both Ex#1 and her teacher to get a plan together on what WE can do as parents to get this back on track.

Dammit.

Auditors are here, tag YOU'RE it!!!

I was tagged!!

Today the auditors are in the office, among all my other responsibilities here at work, I have very little time to do a full fledge post...so you will have to just enjoy another tag meme.

This tag comes from a good friend, Marcia

Go to your My Pictures, and pick the 4th folder, the 4th picture in that folder and blog it!



First, this was taken April 7th, 2006. I think I need to back the old photos up on my computer and relieve some memory on my old desktop... :)

Secondly, I know the date of the picture all too well.

It was a rough day.

It was my sister's birthday and she was spending it for the first time away from family. She had decided after Christmas that she was moving to Arizona. I missed her, I worried about her, I didn't want her to move so far away. I was just feeling blah about her being gone.

This also was the day that my first husband, exhubby1, was getting remarried. When he had left our home, I KNEW that there was another woman that was behind the hurried departure. He denied it, of course, every time I inquired. I had met this woman and I KNEW. Call it woman's intuition. I knew. No better way to confirm my feelings than to marry her five years after our divorce. Tell me NOW, I was delusional. Tell me NOW I was imagining things due to pregnancy hormones. Tell me NOW Asshole, that I was right.

I felt the heaviness of the day, weighing me down out of my happy zone. I decided to take a ride to the beach at lunch time. Something I love to do, plus I had my camera, something else I love to do (take pictures).

The day was gloomy, suiting my mood to a T. I took out the camera and started shooting. The beach itself looked gloomy, but the vegetation around it screamed out SPRING! Buds on the trees, Forsythia bushes bloomed their sunshine colors begging me to soak in all the signs of New Beginnings of Spring.

I saw this beat down mailbox (me!) and the backdrop of the Forsythia bush (new beginnings) and it made me smile. A smile of hope, a smile of letting go, I snapped the shot.

I still remember those feelings, from that very day. All of it captured here. I may feel beaten down at times, but there is still beauty in weakness and there is ALWAYS NEW BEGINNINGS.

I am not going to tag anyone, but if you want to play along, please consider yourself tagged. :)

I am off to contend with the auditors!

Power of the bird.

The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the WORD.

For me, there is something so powerful in flipping the bird. It just makes me feel crazy satisfied.

*rewind*
When I was six months pregnant with Buggy, her father moved out of our home. It was devastating, though I KNEW it was coming (woman's intuition), it broke me. Yet I was carrying a life, a life that I wanted so badly. I muddled through, I got myself into therapy, to keep my sanity through it all, to try to take care of ME so that the pregnancy and baby could be healthy. Healthy me = Healthy baby.

Through that therapy, there was still the hope hubby1 and I would reconcile (stupid looking back on it now). I hoped that he would see the life we created and WANT back into it. That was NOT the case, obviously.

One day after a really good therapy session, I went to meet him at a park. I still can remember the day clearly. There were things I wanted to say, they were fresh in my mind from the session, I wanted him to HEAR me and underneath it all, I wanted him to embrace me. I wanted him to apologize and come home, make it work.

That was NOT the case, obviously.

It was a beautiful day, cool, breezy, sunny. I said what I wanted to say, he listened but had no spoken response. His face said it all, to this day that face angers me. It is a smirk with a spark of condescending glazed eyes. As soon as he flashed this "face" at me, I lost it. That look, pushes me over a shaky edge, STILL it sends me to looney town.

I got into my car, just seething with anger, sadness and pure shock. As I drove away, I rolled down my window with a slam of the button, I thrusted my arm out of the window and flipped him the bird. My arm tightened as I flew that bird high; if I could make lightening flash from the end of my finger it would have happen at that moment. That bird soared at least three blocks from the park.

As I pulled my arm in and rolled up the window, I giggled. That actually felt good. My arm was a little sore the next day, so worth it.

*current day*

Hubby2 and I are going through a divorce. He is currently still in the home. It is not fun, it is not fun at all. I have been putting up with it, I have been putting on the "fake" for a very long time. It was bound to crack and crack it sure did.

I blew UP the other night, it was not pretty. If it were recorded on tape, I am sure I resembled the exorcist girl; I am SURE my head spun around.

In the middle of the explosion, I got that same smirky face from Hubby 2 (seriously, do they teach you guys this while the girls are having the menstrual talk?)

As soon as I saw the look, The Bird peaked it's head out of the sleepy nest and was ready for action. (and that whole sentence was a "that's what HE said" gutter)

Let it fly, I did. This time though, being a more frequent flyer, I bumped it up to a first class double flyer. Two Birds, double action, pumped up and down in a machine gun style. (There might have been a little jig with my feet too; I can't say)


How is it that just a simple hand gesture can feel so powerful, so therapeutic?

LoveStoned

Love this song but the MIGHTY FINE Justin Timberlake.

****warning, some dirty talk...beware, if you don't want to hear, read tomorrow where I might be back to my normal broadcasting****

The other night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about things I want to improve upon in myself. One of the things that I have been digging at is my issues with my father...and wondering how it my have scripted my relationships I have had growing up.

In some ways, it has left me feeling unlovable. I know, you all are going to post nice things and say that I am lovable (your check is in the mail) but REALLY...(I might even close comments on this) as embarrassing and as much as I know it is untrue, I do have that feeling.

Not to say, that I haven't come a long way, because, oh friends, I have. Come a long way.

It is just still there. A little.

I look back on past relationships, there really weren't too many that stand out. I was a one man girl (except for a couple "slips" and then that one year I attended Ball State University, but I digress). I usually was the girl with a boyfriend, all.the.time.

I couldn't be alone, didn't want to be alone and really I feel like I jumped into a relationship with current hubby for the same reason.

I think I just wanted to be LOVED. PERIOD. Who doesn't want that?

My first real love was (as I remember) perfect. I don't think I am over dramatizing it either, it was real, it was simple, it was perfect. When he went on to college and I was still in high school, I thought we should break up. HE should have the time of his life and somehow I didn't think I fit into it. NOW I think, I might have been putting him to a test and he FAILED by taking the bait.

It was a miserable year for me. My grades dropped and I was just broken.

Then came MR GET LAID, we dated for quite a while, once he got what he wanted (which did take some time) he and I split. Besides the fact that he "disappeared" at prom and was "seen" with his ex girlfriend dancing. Whateva. He failed all things not even tested.

Third love in high school was a NICE GUY. Sweet Virgin and I dated most of my senior year. I got most of what I needed from him as far as love, acceptance and such...and what do I do? I cheat on him with First Love. (you can only do so many blow jobs before you want the "real" thing)(and nothing beats a first love, ever)(not that I am condoning what I did in any way, whatsoever)

After high school I went off to BSU and well, um, yeah.

After my year of "fun" I had to come back to reality and move back home. First guy that shows interest when I move back becomes hubby number 1, though, he is NOT A #1 HUBBY TO ME... therefore he is EX # 1.

I thought we had a good relationship, though I see now it was a parallel one. He did his thing, I did my thing, and we met in the middle sometimes (rarely). I would attend all kinds of parties alone. They all joked around about if I was REALLY married.

There were times in our marriage that I remember playing hard to get, in so many ways. Almost testing him to see how he would react...if he would keep trying, if he would stop loving me. It's stupid, I know that now.

After a miscarriage and another pregnancy (Buggy) it became obvious that he had moved to "greener" pastures. He left when I was six months pregnant, swearing he wasn't with "anyone"...we were divorced six months after Buggy was born.

On to Current Hubby, I knew him through some friends, I knew by the way that he looked at me that he was interested. I had a friend set us up. Buggy was four months old, I was sexually frustrated, I was needing to feel loved by a man. He fit the bill, he was really into me and I was thankful to have someone.

He loves me in his own way, but it isn't (as you all have read) a mature love or a healthy love.

I don't really know where this post is going, but after all this reflection I am not so eager to be in a relationship again, for my own healthy reasons. There is so much I need to do to give myself the love that I have been searching for all this time. To give myself the unconditional love.

It is my time to love me.

"It" skeptic

Oh they have "it", I can feel "it". Yet as I sat in the bleachers on the opposite side of the field from them last night, I was doubting their "it".

I imagined my conversation with them. I imagined myself saying, "this may be strange, but how do you guys do it? What is your secret?"

I imagined them saying, "oh we are newlyweds!"

Then I could justify their "it" aura.

I know that isn't true, they have an eight year old daughter playing on the same softball team as my eight year old daughter.

I imagined them saying, "We are each other's best friend."

To which I would roll my eyes. Yeah, friends first, but I have been friends with guys before and it hasn't lead me to "it".

Maybe my skepticism was because my first failed marriage partner (Buggy's dad) was in the stands with me and my current hubby (on the fritz)was out on the field helping for practice.

I felt clouded by my own mishaps with the "it" factor. The overwhelming questions, did I have "it" with first hubby? Was the "it" there for me and not him? Is that why he strayed? Did I just THINK I had "it" with him when really I didn't have shit?

With current hubby, I have tried, I think I have really tried to talk myself into "it", but it just doesn't work that way. With all the other issues in our marriage, there is no forcing "it" and furthermore, "it" is many different things to different people. Our "it"s are not on the same page.

Wherever the skepticalness (is that a word?) came from I doubted their "it". I resented their "it". I cried a little inside for their "it". I got pissed at my lack of "it".

Average Girl in an Average World said, "It" Will make its way into your life....just open yourself up to receive "it"" and I say thank you, thank you for that, but for now, I think I am going to be an "it" snob. I am closing my "it" door until (this is all starting to sound really dirty to me, I have a gutter mind) I can clearly define "it" for me.

Frankly, I have had it with "it".

Day 7...time flies

Did you guys hear about this? MY GOD, seriously? How do all of these toys keep getting through and onto the shelves? My mom JUST saw these things in the Walmart advertisement and she was thinking of getting them for my seven year old. It makes me so mad that these toys are not safe....to digest. What? You can't eat these bead looking things? I think it is terrible that there is something out there that can harm our kids, but why would your kid ingest them? I know, I know, things happen. Anyway, back to the Christmas list *marks off aqua dots*

I enjoyed another day off from work, I could seriously get use to this. :) Went to breakfast with my mom, had lunch with a friend, got some more laundry done (and put away, that never happens in my house). It was a good day.

We had parent/teacher/child conference today. I love that beaming feeling you get when you here someone unbiasedly say your child is "great" and that she will "sail through first grade". Hell yeah she is great! ;) One complaint on her managing her time, she gets too goofy in group time and therefore WASTES time. Though the teacher did say that she has noticed an improvement here of late, so she isn't too concerned with it.

Oddly, or not so oddly, her father had not ONE word to say...other than refusing a "helpful reading tips" paper. What? The teacher is offering us a page that has helpful tips for reading and YOU don't want a copy of it? We have shared custody. Adison is with him on many school nights, but you don't want a copy of something that could be beneficial to her reading? Wow, I don't know if that is complete lack of brain cells or if he is just that damn good that he doesn't need any "tips".

So I don't get that man. My current hubby didn't call today as he had hoped. It's all good though. Tonight we took the fixins for homemade pizza to my mom's. When we pulled in Hubby's car was parked in the driveway. My three year old said excitedly, "is that DADDY'S car?". Crap. We have had a whole week of not mentioning daddy, was this going to be the end all? Was he going to start really missing him and going on and on about when is daddy coming home? NOPE. I said, "it is daddy's car, but daddy is not here remember? He is still on his hunting trip." "OK, mom." That was IT. Does Bubba "get" that daddy is gone, but coming home? Does he really not even care or notice that daddy hasn't been here for however many days? Who knows, I am sure it will be a good reunion for the boys.

Hope you all have a happy Thursday. Kids and I are heading down to see a good friend of mine for the weekend. I hope you all enjoy yours, I know I will enjoy mine. :D