I got a call on Friday from hubby, he says him and bubba went to Bass Pro Shop. NO biggy. He then says, "I got Bubs something that you are going to be mad about."
Not wanting to be on the phone with him at work, I said, "ok."
When I arrived home, Hubby prompted Bubba to tell me what they had been up to while I was away at work.
Bubba, with his 4 year old memory, couldn't tell me. After about five minutes of this prompting, I looked at Hubs and said, "Why don't YOU tell me what you guys have been doing."
He looks at Bubba, smiles and continues to prompt.
Here is what I got from the pushing. They went to my parent's house and shot a BB gun. Hm, OK.
Most of my family are hunters. I didn't think anymore about it, not until Sunday morning.
Bubba is at the table eating his pancakes and he is talking about his daddy buying him a BB gun.
"What?" I say as the pancake starts to burn in the pan.
"My new BB gun, first thing to remember is safety, Mom" he says.
Confused, I ask again, "Daddy bought you a BB gun? You didn't use your cousin's gun at Grampy's house?"
"No, DADDY" he starts speaking slowly as if I am stupid, "BOUGHT ME A BB GUN."
Oh, now the smoke coming from the stove isn't the pancakes at all. I am fuming.
A few minutes later hubby finally gets up...and I run into him in the hallway. I was trying to be diplomatic about the situation, trying remaining calm, but it doesn't come out that way as soon as I see him.
"You BOUGHT Bubba a BB gun?" *whew say that fast five times*
"yeah, I told you that I did." He said.
"YEAH, NO YOU DIDN'T, you pussyfooted around about shooting a BB gun. YOU didn't say anything you prompted Bubba to say it all. Why didn't you talk to me about the purchase FIRST? Why do you think a 4 year old needs a BB gun? Where do you get off making a purchase KNOWING it will piss me off?"
He had nothing to say.
I go back to cooking pancakes and I am so mad that I am shaking. I start to cry. It is so frustrating to be in a relationship where my thoughts and opinions are not even considered. Or that my thoughts and opinions are known and one goes behind my back and does it anyway. This has been classic Hubby moves since day one. It is belittling and frustrating to me.
He apologizes and says that he didn't know it would make me this upset, which I refuse to believe. He knew damn well it was going to make me mad, he even prefaced the phone call with the exact words, "I bought something for Bubba that is probably going to make you mad" so no amount of back peddling is going to remedy this. I am tired of not being heard, I am tired of dealing with a teenage attitude of 'I want it so I am going to get it no matter what' (this is hubby's attitude, not the 4 year olds sadly).
**************************
After discussing this with a friend it has become clear to me that I have stayed in this marriage in order to "safety net" my kids from an alcoholic father...seems backwards, but I have been there to hurry them away if things are too deep. I am there to cushion the blows, or even block them before the come near.
Now they are older and he has stopped drinking, I have felt like it is time for me to stand up and say ENOUGH, I deserve to be happy. I am faced with a case this weekend that reminds me that I will NOT be able to safety net them all.the.time. That scares me. It also makes me psycho mom thinking of all the ways he can hurt them, what if he starts drinking again, etc.
It is the fear of the unknown again, I guess. However, I do feel like I have the strength and the love to safety net these kids when.I.can. Hopefully that will be enough.
You stayed for the same reason that I would have stayed. My kids' happiness and normalcy is of upmost importance to me.
ReplyDeleteAbout the gun. Yep, a little young in my opinion, but if they can make it a father/son activity only, then maybe it will work. Who knows?
I get what you are saying and I agree that you deserve better. You all deserve better! He has mistreated you for so long that he doesn't even notice it as a problem. And That is not fair nor is it right. You deserve to be supported, understood and listened to as a partner.
ReplyDeleteYou will always love your children and do the very best possible to protect them from the world, including their father. But you can't do it all and in the end it's important that you teach them to be strong, independent people who do not let others use them or step on them.
Something that we both know the hard way. Hugs to you!
ok, first my blogroll isn't always telling me when you updated! what's up with that? I just happened to come here today even though it said you hadn't posted today.
ReplyDeleteNow, today's post! I would be furious. It's not like he bought him an action figure, he bought him a bb gun! Granted no one has ever died of a bb gun shot but they are still so dangerous adn there is no way a 4 year old can know how to be safe.
Heck, when I taught first grade there were even some 6 year olds that couldn't handle scissors!
He sounds passive agressive to me. He's mad and he's getting back at you through your son - in the worst way possible! He's making YOU become the bad guy because he's insecure. Oh, it makes me so mad!
ReplyDeleteI could be totally off base here, but I lived with a guy that would pull stunts like that. He was too much of a coward to tell me what was really bothering him so he would go out of his way to upset me. Usually involving friends or family members to do it! It's just another form of control.
Ok, enough ranting - I'm sure you've heard all of this and would like to hear something positive so here goes:
You are contributing to your children's lives in a much more meaningful way than a BB gun ever would. They will remember that and cherish you for it. Hold tight to that happy thought!
Wow, I'm not even sure what to say. I know 4 is a bit young for a BB gun but as working mom said, if it can turn into a father son activity, maybe some good could come from it? This is really just me trying to see the sunny stuff. 4 is awfully young and you had every right to be ticked about the sneakiness of it all.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending all my good juju's your way, to help keep up your amazing strength.
I would have been extremely mad!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I agree that 4 is WAY to young for a BB gun. But that aside, it would be the principal of the matter for me.
He KNEW you would be upset about it and did it anyways. What are you supposed to do? Go up to your 4 year old and tell him that he is not allowed to have the BB gun that his Daddy bought for him??! Which would then make you look like the bad guy. He knew that if he just did it anyway, you'd be pissed, but in the end he'd get away with it.
I don't mean to direct what I'm saying AT him or ABOUT him, just speaking in general terms.
Anyways, sending you warm thoughts and big hugs!
♥
Ashley
P.s.- Where'd you get your template from? You made it right? I'd like to change mine up a bit.
ReplyDeleteYeah it's a classic "Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission"...
ReplyDeleteSeriously that's just f-ing common sense... a 4yr old has NO clue about the dangers of BB guns (taken from a guy who use to play BB gun wars shooting his friends). I got my first BB gun when I was about 10... And I promptly used it to shoot glass bottles in the backyard... which caused my dad to take a hammer to it. I didn't get another one for 4 years.
The take home message is that he had no respect for your feelings.
Oh it WILL be enough. I would be just as peeved - considering he's a FOUR YEAR OLD. Sending good vibes your way.
ReplyDeletei'm sitting here thinking...where is the BB gun now??? hopefully it is put way away!
ReplyDeletethe mother bear would have shown up at my house too... i think it is perfectly okay for you to protect your children as much as you can but you need to remember my new motto... SDWSC (she did what she could). and don't beat yourself up when you can't.
I can completely understand why you would be so angry about this. It has very little to do with the BB gun itself (though as a gun hater myself I see no reason for anyone to have one let alone a 4 year old) but rather the fact that he does what he wants despite how it affects you.
ReplyDeleteI support you 100%, you do deserve to be happy and if he ain't it, he AIN'T it.
:)