One on One, I'm better.

I just am much better when there's just one...

There are so many times that I think, MAN! I rock this mom business...when there is only one of them.

When there are two, I feel more like I am a referee than a participant in their lives. Buggy knows how to push Bubba's buttons and Bubba, well, he's a handful and even more so when his sister is around.

When we were in Arizona my mom and I were sitting outside talking. She had just finished off a half bottle of wine and started in about my kids. Bubba's behavior, Buggy's weight, she went on and on about their "issues". She babbled about her concerns for an hour.

I like hearing advise about what I could be doing better, about things that others observe good and bad. However, after an hour and a half bottle of wine later (her drinking, not mine...and now that I think of it, maybe I should have had a drink too maybe then I could have had a better rebuttal.) I had heard enough.

I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, "Mom, I hear you, and I appreciate your concerns, but I can't sit here and listen anymore. If you have suggestions as to how I could improve I am willing to listen, however, all you've done is babble about what you see as wrong. You have no constructive criticism, you have no tips on how I can be better."

"I know, honey, hell, look I wasn't and still am not the best mother in the world, but I just see things and want you to be aware." She said.

"Oh, well, thank you. I am aware. What I am not aware of is how to correct the situation."

"Yeah, me either." She sighed.

I filed most of the conversation in my whatever file, but one thing stung enough to still be on my mind since returning.

She said, "I see you repeating my, for lack of a better word, mistakes."

*gulp*

I strive to be better, not the best, not perfect, but BETTER than what I felt my parents were in my life.

Growing up, from what I remember and have been told, I was the "perfect" child, but that is in comparison to my brother who had and still has tons of issues and lack of good judgement.

The reason I was "good" was because it was EXPECTED of me, I constantly took the backseat, hands folded in my angelic way on my lap. So much of my Mom's time was devoted to putting out the fires my brother created. I was praised for being good, he was punished for being naughty.

My good behavior got me (little) attention, but the negative attention (much more) my brother "needed" put me on the back burner. I did as I was told, I did what would please others, hoping that if I did enough I would also get the attention.

MY mom sees this same pattern happening with Buggy and Bubba. I have to say, she just might be right AND THAT HURTS.

*bigger gulp*

After returning home, I talked to Buggy about the attention she gets and/or doesn't get. I told her I miss her and want to have more time with her. I apologized for the time that Bubba sucks away from us and that I want to do something to change that.

So far, all I've come up with is a later bedtime.

Buggy and I walk Bubba to bed, tuck his punk ass in and then "pretend" to send Buggy to bed as well. If we don't pretend he will ruin our time throwing a fit until she is in bed. We walk into her room, turn on her radio, make loud good night kisses, shut off the light and tip-toe out to the living room.

She is loving the sneakiness of it all, which isn't the message I want her to get, but we have enjoyed at least an extra half hour a night together, just her and I. She chooses what we do. Watch TV, play Wii, read, whatever she wants.

Tomorrow, we are dropping Bubba off at Capt'n Cancel's (HOPEFULLY) and heading to a Brownies trip together...we are pretty excited about it.

Small steps, I know, but hopefully they are big enough in her eyes for her to know I care.



This being a mom to two kids...is a lot harder than I would have expected at times.