I really want to.

I really want to tell you all about my trip.
There are so many other things clouding my thoughts.
When the clouds roll in, I have to clear them. Clearing them, for me is blogging. So please, pull out your umbrellas and come into my storm, or try back tomorrow where I will try to shine the sunshine from Florida for you all to see.

I am feeling consumed with OTHERS today. I know when I feel consumed with others means, I need to make some me time, I need to let go and let God. That is so hard though.

The night before we left for our vacation my mom, step dad, brother and his girlfriend all came over to do our Christmas together.

The last time I saw my brother was around Thanksgiving. He was hopped up (or really down) on valium. He was so out of it. I left there pretty angry. I have decided many times that I will not subject myself to his addictions. My kids don't deserve to see their Uncle completely out of it. They don't understand that one time he is great, energetic and fun then the next so down that he is falling asleep at the dinner table.

When my mom invited them to my house for our Christmas get together, it was already too late for me to protest. SO I allowed them to come over. I hoped that it wasn't going to be a repeat, for the most part, it wasn't. He wasn't sleeping at the dinner table, but other signs were there.

Cheesecake was forgotten at Mom's house, my brother over enthusiastically volunteered to run back and get it. OK. That was strange, but I blamed my "over-reacting mind" for "assuming" the worse.

During dinner, he was eating and I could just tell, something was OFF. All of a sudden he says, "No wonder! I've been eating this pineapple thinking it was potato and wondering why it tasted so different."

Um, WHAT? Sorry, clearly, he is not all there.

As we were opening gifts his girlfriend and him decided it was time for them to go and the urgency was overwhelming. They were out the door in no time flat. For benefit of the doubt, his girlfriend is allergic to dogs and we had not put up our dog (not remembering her allergies). So they were OUT.

One of my smoke breaks in the garage I was talking with Mom. She was going on and on about how proud she is of my brother, how he has taken steps to go to a psychiatrist, how the psychiatrist suggested him to a methadone clinic. How he is trying so hard to remain sober. Her denial is frustrating.

I cringed. I expressed to Mom that I felt differently than she did about his so-called recovery, that I don't believe it for a minute and that I am calling "bullshit" on it. I broke her heart, I could tell. I took the wind out of her sails. I didn't mean to, it was a gut reaction to his lies.

The thing that makes me so upset is how he constantly does this to her. How she falls for it every time.

I immediately regretted saying anything at all. I can not save him, and I sure as hell can't save her from being hurt by him. I can only prepare myself, but in the same token, am I going off of past experiences of the worse from him? Am I "assuming" the worse so that IF it happens I won't be hurt by it? Am I not putting enough faith in my Higher Power to take care of the situation? Am I putting all my faith in my Higher Power for my brother, but not giving faith that He will take care of my Mom?

Well, I give this to my Higher Power, to get me through this I know He will know what to do for them and for me.

Letter to brother,
Chad, I love you. I hope you can get through this.

Letter to Mom,
Mom, I love you. I hope you can get through this.

*wipes hands clean*

Shut your hole.

I don't care who you are, this is funny.




However the one that needs this comment sent to them is ME, MYSELF AND I.

I have a hard time shutting my "hole" sometimes. *I am so immature and giggle at WHAT hole? however, the rest of this post is referring to the hole that is my mouth...and mostly my brain.

Lately, I have slid down the slippery slope of my "old" habits of dealing with Hubby. I am quick to anger, I am quick to lash out.

It really didn't hit me until last night, WHY, I am sliding. It isn't because of all the snow and ice we have, oh no.

I suspect he is drinking again. This has sent me right back to my nasty ways. Isn't it funny? well, not funny, but um, well hell, funny. One suspicion has me acting and reacting irrationally.

In my fit of anger, bitterness and resentments, I did Christmas cookies with the kids (rebel aren't I?) this weekend. I purposely did them while he was at work, I purposely didn't invite any family or friends over. That will show those that I feel have wronged me.

Only it didn't hurt them. Not one bit. It hurt me, it hurt Buggy who repeatedly asked where our family and friends were. At one point, I jumped up and exclaimed,
"I know what we are missing!"

As I got out of my chair, Buggy replied, "The love."

Ton of bricks smacked me in the head.

"The love?" I asked.

She said, "the love of our family and friends not being here!"

"Well," I said, "true, but I meant Christmas music."

She was right. We were missing some key players that are usually involved in our cookie extravaganza. I did that. I did.

I am not proud of it. Irrational behavior doesn't hurt anyone but myself and by hurting myself, it filters down and has negative affects on Buggy and Bubba.

*slaps forehead*

So much depends on my own actions...and lately my actions have a big FAILED stamped on them. I am aware of it, and I plan to work my program (Al Anon) and stop worrying so much about what others are doing or not doing.

I can only control me and my actions...and that is what I plan on doing.

Remember yesterday's tree post?
I am going to put a positive spin on the whole tree thing.

Even though the angel is not lit, it is still there. Looking down on us, and protecting us. Though her lights aren't shining through, maybe it is a sign that I have to open up my heart and mind to see the lights, they aren't going to be shown so easily. I have to work on seeing them.

I am the light that my children see and if I am not shining, I need to regroup and remember the reasons I have TO shine. I will shine, because WE are worth it.

I haz post

Yes, yes I do haz post for you today.

Yet. I can't form it. **edit, it is funny when I say "I can't form it" and then I go on and on and on about it nonetheless. Writing is a form of therapy and I guess it does form eventually, maybe a little scattered, but it comes out.

At night when I lay down, all kinds of thoughts and ideas come to me. By morning, those thoughts are gone. I have said many times that I need to put a notepad by my bed at night to jot these things down. Alas I haven't yet.

If I remember correctly here is one of the things that floated around in midst of my sleepy mind carousel.

The Biggest Loser. I know, compelling isn't it. The things I think about before bed. Sorry it isn't more sexy than that. (maybe there are some sexy thoughts too, but this isn't that kind of blog, nor are they related in ANYWAY to the Biggest Loser and the issues spewed in the following post. I digress.)

I am so rooting for Michelle to win the Biggest Loser. There is so much of her story that I can relate to. The abandonment issues. The suffocating emotion she feels (or felt) towards her mother, relating to her mother divorcing her dad and leaving the home with her two sisters. My issues aren't identical to hers, but I can feel her pain.

In feeling her pain, I get overwhelmed with my own pain. I feel angry. As much as I FEEL that anger, putting it down on paper just doesn't happen. I try. I just can't fully express the anger through words to the level that I feel it.

At Al Anon the other night, a new (to our group) member spoke about her journey with her sponsor. She expressed how they were working on Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I shared that this step is a boulder to me that I can't seem to climb over. It isn't that my head (or conscience) is clear of any wrong doings, far from it, but to put those down on paper and see them only make them real.

Plus I look at this step as healing, yet when I think about my wrong doings it only feels like a boxing match with myself. That is not the intention and I know that. When thinking of my wrong doings, I also think in terms of what others have done to me. That isn't the intention of this step either.

So how? How do I do this step? She assured me that writing them down...and putting them to the side or sharing them with a trusted friend would really help (in her opinion). So as I sit with pen in hand, I excuse myself right out of the activity. Surely there is laundry to be done, I think. Surely there is something on TV to take me out of MY state of mind. Surely...surely anything is less painful than this.

In that same meeting, another member was sharing about honesty and being honest with ourselves and others. How people put on this face of what they want others to see them as, yet it isn't. How what they say and what the do are farther from each other than that person gives off.

The entire time he spoke, I sank deeper and deeper into my seat, my palms started sweating. It felt as though he was specifically calling me out, when I know he wasn't, but it felt that way to me. Which has also had me thinking about this step 4, if I was feeling like I was hiding my true self or my true actions then I need to do something about it (make a searching and FEARLESS moral inventory of myself).

Even if I think that things are going to be BETTER for me after this divorce and even if I think that a lot of the unmanageably of my life is related directly to my marriage, I KNOW DEEP DOWN, that isn't entirely true. That my friends, scares me.

I do hope (and hope is a good thing) that when this divorce is over and I am on my way to settling into the new way of my life, that I will come back to this step and be able to tackle it. I do think that I am more AWARE of my feelings and actions, but what still baffles me is WHAT to do with them. HOW to change them, HOW to sort through it all and make sense of it. I am proud of how far I have come, but I know I can do so much more.

Maybe it is time that I look for a sponsor.

*even as I go to hit "publish post" on this blog...I hesitate. Oh well...."see you at the bottom"--COWABUNGA DUDE!

it's Thanksgiving YO.

And on Thanksgiving a little THANKS GIVING is in order, right?

So today, I am going to give you a little glimpse into what I am thankful for...are you excited?

I am so very very thankful to my therapist.

Oh that sounds like a joke, but it is not. I am thankful to her for suggesting I attend Al Anon.

I am thankful that I had enough strength to go.

Fortunatly, I had had enough to go attend the meeting.

I am thankful for the group of people that came every week and shook their heads in acknowledgement when I sobbed about my situation. I am SO very thankful for those heads shaking, so very very thankful, because in just one head shake, I felt HEARD. I felt understood. In my world, those were two things that eluded me. I also didn't feel alone. I didn't feel crazy. I felt validated. Again, something that I am so very thankful for.

I have lived a life around alcoholics, I have grown up as a codependent. Often everyone's feelings and needs came before mine. I still struggle with this, but I can acknowledge when I am doing it now, and I can take a step back and reevaluate my motives.

All of this is THANKS to Al Anon...er, but of course, in thanking Al Anon, I also have to thank myself. For the courage, for the inner strength, for the rational (and irrational)thinking that took me to that first meeting, for all of those reasons that I continue to go.

I am thankful to a program that has given me hope when hope seemed so foreign for my life.

I am no where NEAR through the program as others, but I have gone at my own pace, not comparing me to where everyone else is and not feeling badly for WHERE I am. The program is not going anywhere, and I know I can keep working at it.

I know I have come a long way, I can still go a long way further. For that, I am thankful.

P.S. I am also thankful for all the typical things in my life too, family, friends, my health, etc.

Credit?!?

In my life, there are so many things that I do that I don't give myself credit. I am my worst critic. I guess we all are our worst critics.

Last night at Al Anon a few people mentioned things I have said that have stuck with them and made a difference in their lives. I brushed it off and said that everyone gives good advise or tidbits to help. I never thought MY words helped others. Usually the things I say are things that I too need to work on so I never thought they were offering inspiration to others. When I was leaving one of the gentleman said, "you are our A+ student". I quickly denied it and said, maybe I am more of a strong B student.

I have lost 26 lbs in WW, and yet all I can dwell on is the 5 more I WANT to lose. I have LOST 26, why don't I credit that? I think so many others have lost much more and still have a ways to go, why should I pump my fist in the air?

Our leader at WW said, "we need to have our lifetime members here at meetings to share their valuable info on how they have achieved lifetime!" I felt like slithering away, what advise could I possibly offer?

I did the same thing when I received my associates degree. I would get congratulated and all I could say was, "it's ONLY my associates" as if it was a piece of cake for me to go to school 4 nights a week for 4 hours per night with a 2 year old at home and working full time. The last year of my studies found me pregnant and then finishing out with a newborn. Bubba was born February 04 and I didn't finish until Oct 05. That wasn't easy, yet I still felt like it wasn't good enough.

I am where I need to be RIGHT NOW...and I have gotten myself there. I need to take more credit for it.

Maybe each Tuesday I should do a pat your back tuesday, where I write about something that I do that should be comendable...hmmm, we will see about that. What are you not giving yourself enough credit for tackling or doing?

Something cool is happening.

I have to share this...and I guess here is where I feel the most safe.

I think something is happening. I think that the Al Anon stuff is sinking in...FOR ME. I went and heard a speaker last week and a few things really stuck out for me. She said that she needed to reconnect with her Higher Power and she did so by asking for His help in the littlest way...and low and behold, He helped.

I thought about this and what do I have to lose?

Saturday I took Bubba to a Dairy Farm, that morning I asked my Higher Power to be with me that day. Bubba can be quite challenging lately, I sometimes can use all the help I can get.

The day was going well, we were really enjoying our visit at the Farm. We were enjoying some of their homemade ice cream when Bubba got a look on his face. He said, "mommy, I pooped" OH NO. OK. I started hussling him to the bathroom, hands full with purse, ice cream, trying to get the doors open. He was just frozen, he wouldn't move and definitely would not move fast. As I am opening the second door to get in to the building I see the (sorry, if you have a queasy tummy, close your eyes and scroll down a little) poo running down his leg, his shorts were wet, he REALLY had an accident. One he couldn't control, it was diarrhea. I scooped him up into my arms and practically RAN to the bathroom.

Once inside, I start peeling the clothes off of him. His undies were a lost cause, there was no way I was going to be able to salvage them. I grab the garbage liner from the can and tie up the undies to be thrown away. Bubba is crying. I kept reassuring him it was O.K. it was an accident.

My mind was racing, how was I going to get this boy out of there without pants? Oh automatic dryers...I get him to stay in the stall and I go out to the sink only to find, all they have are paper towels. That idea is out.

I go back to the stall and start thinking out loud. "Bubs," I say, "we are going to have to run outside without pants." More crying on his part. "It's OK, mommy will cover you up as best as I can, no one will see you!"

AS I am opening the stall to make my dash for the car a woman is standing there. She looks at me all so knowingly wonderful and hands me a bath towel she had got from her car. I almost cried. She had heard what was going on, ran out to her vehicle and GAVE us a towel.

I like to think that she might have been an angel. I like to think that it was MY Higher Power, helping me out. It was overwhelming, the rush of love I felt.

So, I thought, that kinda worked out nicely. Maybe it can work again.

This morning I got up late (normal for me, I am NOT a morning person) I said, OK, I need your help this morning. Please help me get Bubba up and ready and hopefully out the door peacefully and somewhat on time. I will take peacefully over on time though.

It happened. BOTH happened. Bubba woke up, he dressed himself, he brushed his teeth, he started to panic when he couldn't find his batting glove (tonight is his first day of t-ball practice) but quickly he remembered where it was (which is a blessing in itself)...it all went so smoothly, so peacefully.

As I was finishing up my hair, I hear Bubba in the hallway. He started saying the prayer they say at school before they eat. OUT OF THE BLUE. That was it. It was my sign, my Higher Power was there for us. I was thankful and thanked Him the whole way to work, which I arrived to ON TIME.

Is it that He has always been there, but I haven't opened my eyes and my heart to see it? Is it that I am turning all that is good into something He has done, instead of just taking it? I don't know, but whatever it is, I choose to believe He is doing it and I am grateful.

Relapse

While exercising, taking time for me, I am reading a book. It's called Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie.

What I realized while reading is *I* had a relapse or what she likes to call a recycling of my codependent behavior. Much like when I started Al Anon over a year ago, my life was unmanageable, my emotions were overwhelming and my guilt reached its highest level of uncomfort ever. My Friday "episode" with hubby, was a recycle in MY recovery.

I let his anger and his hurtful words penetrate me. Even though I know what he was saying was not true, I still let them get a reaction out of me. I slipped in my own recovery and steps of letting go and detaching.

Often times I do slip, it is really hard for a codependent person to detach. Sometimes detaching feels very odd, lonely and wrong to me, a person who has revolved her life around doing for others and caring (sometimes obsessing) about what others think of me. However, when I detach as out of character as it feels, it ultimately feels great. Taking time for me, to think, reconnect and in the end make better decisions.

I have a hard time saying NO...not saying no to things my kids want, but saying no to situations that I don't want to do. Simple things like, watching someone else's kid, going to breakfast when all I feel like doing is sleeping in and lounging around in my pjs, etc.

The Saturday after the "episode" I had a very difficult time telling hubby that I DIDN'T want to see him on Saturday. I wanted the time away, to reflect, to spend the day with my kids without the anger lingering over me. I can extract myself from the anger a lot easier if he isn't around. I did tell him not to come over, but when he asked to come later, I couldn't say NO. I hated that I couldn't say NO. It still makes me angry that I couldn't just say no!

Similarly, Tuesday after counseling, hubby asked if I wanted him to come home for the night or go back to his moms. I was SCREAMING on the inside, NOOOO. It never came out of my mouth. It never even formed on my lips. My only reaction was to cry. He stayed. As much as I wanted to hide in a corner and just FEEL my emotions for myself. He stayed. I can't blame him, I didn't say NO.



When I started WW back in January, I had little confidence in myself losing this weight, but I did it. This recovery from codependency will be done as well. I will do this. I will have recycling moments, but hopefully I will catch them a lot quicker and recover from them in record time.

Hand over Mouth

I have nothing to write about, isn't that odd? *edit, guess I had a little to talk about seeing the length of the post* I have nothing to complain about...I mean I *could* complain, but really don't feel like it.

In Al Anon last night someone had a saying, He put his arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth. Well, I would say He has. One thing that I have learned through my Al Anon meetings and the crap that is going on in my marriage is that I CAN bite my tongue. I can refrain from the easy to come by tongue lashing.

I might have taken that a step too far, however. My hubby has not had a good couple of weeks with his not drinking decision. He has been pretty angry about not being "able" to drink. He thinks he was just in the bad habit of drinking daily, he really doesn't think he has the disease and wants to resume drinking on occasion. He wants to be a social drinker.

Well, that would be GREAT if he could ONLY be a social drinker, but how long until the social events take over and everyday is a social day? Back when he was drinking he really thrived on having people over...I think to make it a social event so that he felt like it was "ok" to drink.

So because I expressed my apprehensions about him being a social drinker he was pretty angry with me. I guess it is understandable, however, he needs to know that HE is in charge of his life. It isn't my decision, I am merely expressing my opinion in the most loving way I can.

In order to not be controlling, cause I can be kinda controlling, I have not stressed how much I think that he needs AA. I have brought it up a couple of times and told him how much Al Anon has helped me, but he hasn't really been open to the idea of going to AA himself. I haven't pushed the issue...there is a saying in Al Anon that if you express your opinion and KEEP expressing it until you get the result you want then you are controlling. So I have kept my mouth shut. In retelling this to members in my meeting last night, they gave a different way for me to look at it.

They said I could suggest it to help him, but not preach or demand he goes. That is so true and another aspect of detaching with love really. In those weekends that he was really struggling and having so many anger issues, I really should have said something about how AA would really help with those feelings. So the next time it comes up I am going to lovingly suggest a meeting and see where it goes.

It really is all so exhausting and I hope that one day...I won't be so wrapped up in it. I also know that he is just as exhausted, I wish that it could all be so much easier for both of us.

Good morning Mommy

What a wonderful sound to be sitting at the table having breakfast and Bubba came out from bed with a smile and a pep in his step,
"good morning mommy"

I think he is feeling better. WOOHOO!

A not so good morning mommy happened around 5 am this morning.

Bubs and I were sleeping in my bed as we often do when he is sick. I heard a weird noise at the front door. The dog was calm and I thought, hmm, wonder what the heck that was. I listened a little more closely. Hubby was suppose to be home from work around midnight so I thought, he will hear this noise and come to my safety. Sometimes he sleeps downstairs after coming home from work late so that he doesn't wake any of us.

No movement in the house and there is STILL someone at the door. A little scared I got up and snuck to bubba's room to peek out the window. Fearful of what I might see. Who is at my house at 5 in the morning?

I pulled back the shade, starting to shake and trying to fight back horrible images of what might be out there. Only to get a glimpse of hubby's car. It was running.

OK, what in the WORLD? So I go to the front door and on my way I hear the screen door slam shut. I unlock the door and stick my head out. As I call his name the garage door begins to open and he comes through the garage door.

I said, "what are you doing?"

He could barely form a coherent sentence.

I knew.

I knew what he had been doing. He just was getting home. Not from work.

He's drunk.

I just stood at the top of the stairs trying desperately to think about what I should do, what I should say, what would my Al Anon friends tell me to do? I was just in a sleeping daze, scared out of my sound sleep to find a drunk hubby. I was angry, but shocked more so.

I looked at his face and just said, "are you just now getting home? why do you do this? I can't believe this." I walked back to bed. He managed a couple of very slurred "Whats" but that was the last I heard until his drunken snoring began.

I laid in bed. Fuming. Replaying how he must have drove home. Thanking God that he hadn't been in an accident and then angrily wishing that he would have been in a little one. Something has to wake him out of this behavior. What is it going to take. My mind was racing. My heart matched my mind's pace.

I got up to go potty and thought what are his consequences? What can I do that is along the Al Anon lines but shows him that I am very disappointed? For some reason I thought, I wonder if he left his car running. I peek out the window one last time.

YES! He left his car running. Ha. That is a consequence. Right? Of course, guilt ran over me, why? I didn't do anything. HE left the car running, parked all crooked in the drive. HE was too drunk to even remember to shut it off. HE can deal with the car running out of gas. Sure it wastes my money too, but it might be money well spent. Better than bailing him out of jail or paying for a car repair or WORSE paying for his funeral or someone else's.

Then I starting wondering if someone would steal the car. LUCKILY we live in a safe neighborhood, but any hoodlum could see the running car and take it. Finally I was able to shut off my brain and go back to sleep.

I woke to the car still parked haphazardly in the drive, running, music playing. A small smirk came to my face. I went down to wake hubby. I said, "do you know you left your car running?" His blood shot eyes looked up as if he wasn't there still and he went back to sleep.

The car is still running.

Is this wrong? Would you shut the car off?

Serenity NOW.

Are there any Seinfeld fans out there?

So usually after one of my fit throwing posts, I reflect and share an Al Anon one.

Al Anon IS my Serenity NOW! place. If any of you out there in the blogosphere are dealing with an alcoholic in your life go check out a meeting. You won't regret it!

Last night's topic, as most of the topics, was just spot on.

"How to help the alcoholic"

How you help the alcoholic is by changing YOUR behavior. In changing YOUR behavior you can possibly help that alcoholic see that they too need to change their behavior...and if they don't then in the end YOU will be ok, because you have changed yours.

We have a great group member that is a recovering addict. She offers us GREAT insight to the ways of an addicted person. She said she would feed off of the reactions of others and once they stopped reacting...she realised that SHE needed to make a change.

In a few of our readings another thing that stuck out in my mind with my situation is that the alcoholic usually feels guilty enough and is going through something that makes him/her drink to hide their pain or their problems. Why would you, the nonalcoholic, make it worse for them?

As hard as all this hits me I can feel you all shake your head. I know, I shake mine too. It angers me that I can't lay down a guilt trip to make them see what they are doing and how they are destroying their life, taking us down with them. BUT it sure does make sense.

He is drinking for a reason, reasons that I don't think I will ever know and for reasons that I don't think he will ever acknowledge. WHY must I make it worse for him, which makes it worse for me?

Hard concept to grasp, harder concept to instill. My actions have been MY actions for the 7 years we have been together. MY actions are MY actions that I have played out for many years before meeting him in dealing with other family members. I am not going to change them over a day, maybe not even over a year...I don't know when.

It is something I can work on though. It is something I *am* working on.


*********************************************
On a lighter note...

I received another award...I really thank you Kami for passing this along to me...it makes me happy to know that my rawness speaks to you. ;)

Here is the most excellent award!



*blushes* thanks girl and I think the same of YOUR blog. :D

By accepting this Excellent Blog Award, I have to award it to 10 more people whose blogs I find worthy. In no particular order here, they are:

1. I just recently started reading this blog...and she makes me giggle...and blogs that make me giggle are TOPS in my book ;). So "Scarlett Wanna Be" at I'm no Belle, this award goes to you.

2. Another one that is new to my reading list is, Katie @ CuppaJoe she (like the others I read) makes me giggle.

Can you see, giggling might be a theme here.

3. Along with the giggle factors...this is another new read for me. Suze @ Suzel's Sass her posts are short and sweet and I can read them in between my boss walkin in and out.

4. Seems like I read a lot of blogs...but most have been awarded this award...so I am going to give shout outs to my FRIENDS that blog...I have given Jovi an award before because she is HIP. So Jovi @ Dodge a Wrench cheers!

5. Jovi just recently had the chance to visit another friend of ours Kacie @ Hear no Evil, See no Evil. Kacie is currently in NY training with her new guide dog. Check out Kacie's page and read about her new adventure with Honey and her reasons for getting a guide dog.

6. Andrea is a great person, I enjoy her posts and her friendship. Andrea @ Ordinary Life of a Mom. She is a master scrappin girl too, check out her scrapbook layout page too!

7. Jill...Jilly doesn't post enough, but maybe this award will give her the kick in the arse that Canuck needs ;). Jill @ This shit is Bananas take some more pictures with your new camera and show 'em off.

8. Tamara @ GuayaMama when she posts, she is hilarious. Don't even know if she is public to the blogging world.

9. Deirdre...new to the blogging (on blogspot) is the next person I am going to give a shout out too...Dre (affectionately known as Dr. Dre) @ The Motley Crew here's to you starting your blog...and all you do to raise some BEAUTIFUL kids. :)

Last but not least.

10. I enjoy reading this blog too, (of course cause I wouldn't nominate a really boring ugly blog, now would I?) so check out Lisa @ Take 90 West..you won't be disappointed.

Not this year...

In my attendance at Al-Anon last night, this was the reading I had. It really hit home for me. As we are entering into this holiday season, I am going to keep reminding myself of this reading. I even earmarked it in the book.

"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."

Wow. Really.

I will not resent my brother for not being the "brother" that I want, he is the way he is and honestly, part of the reason he self medicates is because I don't think HE is the person he wants to be.

I will not resent my birth father for his lack of interest in his own children and grandchildren. He, too, doesn't know how to be any different. The disease has taken him on a lonely path in which the routes to get off are obvious, but maybe too painful to take.

I will not resent my husband. My resentment for him only makes me miserable and I want to enjoy the holidays.

As many of you may not know, last year was marked as one of my WORST Christmases EVER. I was on the verge of leaving my husband, but wanted to wait until the holidays were over. My brother and my relationship has strains and is often forced upon us by my mother to satisfy her own agenda. The minute my brother walked in the door, I couldn't breath. I had to go to the bathroom to try to compose myself. I had so much anger towards him, though the anger is still there I am not going to let it overwhelm me this year. Al anon has helped me in trying to channel my thoughts into a more positive light. I hope to really use these tools to get through the holidays. Last year I had to use one of their tactics to calm myself, which only made me EVEN more angry but this time at myself. I don't want to self medicate (beer, I am not talking Prozac or a hit of heroin) to handle THEIR issues and my over bearing resentment.

So, I am going to remember this reading and I am going to put my Al Anon book, Courage to Change, in my purse in case I need a reminder of WHO I am hurting by letting these feelings RUIN one of the most exciting holidays of the year.

Weekend...

Our weekend was good. We had a great time at the birthday party we went to on Saturday and an even better time at the bonfire party we attended later in the evening. It was a beautiful weekend for a bonfire. Kids were all really good. I love seeing how some of the older kids play so nicely with our younger kids. My Bubba is just amazed by these older kids. He asks so many questions and is just so darn cute. I know, I am bias, but my little buddy is so darn cute. He really wants to be like one of the older boys, yet still wants to carry around his teddy bears and be little too. Is that a normal struggle at 3 1/2? I don't remember Buggy being that way, but maybe I have just forgotten. She did always love her older cousin Heathy...and all the wonderful things Heather had in her "more grown up" room. :) So maybe it is normal.

Sunday we went to another birthday party. This was for my NIECE. I don't know her that well...she doesn't know me either. This is my half sister's daughter. She just turned two. What a doll she is. Just me and Bubba went to the party (Buggy has been with her dad all weekend) Bubbaboy was an ANGEL. I don't know why it is so shocking to me. I know that he is a good boy, but usually when on display it can go downhill quite quickly. It didn't though. He listened to me, with minimal questioning or back talk. There were older boys there and they were getting rough with balloon play. Bubs wanted so badly to play with them, but I said no. To me hitting is NOT ok, even if you are playing. So I asked him to please stay back, watch, but not to hit anyone with his balloon. He LISTENED. My ex-step mom even commented on how well behaved he was, *giggle* I just replied "yes, he usually is" it was a proud moment for me to hang on to for a while. ;) I gave him plenty of thanks and kisses as we got buckled up for the ride home. I love when he is a good boy!

I am a little bummed as I am going to have to miss Al anon again tonight due to Hubby's shift changing for this week. I really need to have those meetings beaten into my head, years of acting a certain way is NOT going to break overnight, but really needs a lashing. I just can't stop reacting to his drinking. Reacting negatively doesn't change the situation and again HIS problem is ruining MY day. When I went to bed last night my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might come out of my chest. It just works me up so much. I need to detach. It is so hard. Detachment to me means, no consequences for him. I WANT him to see that his drinking is NOT ok with me. I WANT him to see and do something about it, but that is not happening and I don't think it ever will. I need to make ME ok. Al anon helps. Doesn't help if I can't go. I am going to see if I can make some arrangements so that I can go.

This coming weekend we are heading to Wisconsin Dells. I am actually excited to see the foliage and hoping we find a pumpkin patch on the way. We have YET to get our pumpkins. Running out of time. Should be a good weekend, friends that are going with us are a hoot.