oh THE big D.

So as I quickly mentioned on Tuesday, I'm divorced.

It was all so surreal. Kinda like when I went into labor with the kids, I stood with amniotic fluid running down my legs (tmi?), in denial that I was ACTUALLY in labor.

STBE = Ex#2 now.

We were getting really annoyed with the lack of progress. We discussed the terms, decided to just friggin agree and get it over with. He told his lawyer, she wrote it up, sent it to my lawyer. My lawyer called me, had me run in and sign and THEN GET THIS...

SHE HAD ME RUN THEM TO THE COURTHOUSE MYSELF.

I know, take a minute, let that sink in.

I'll wait.

*taps fingers on desk*

Here's why, it'd save me money and guarantee they were taken/stamped in a timely manner...cause the over $3000 she already sucked out of me was her limit apparently on sucking.

*ahem*

Ex#2 decides he wants to go along for this joy ride, so I used the time to bitch and moan nicely point out, had he not been such a jackass this whole thing could have been done MONTHS ago, with probably ONE lawyer, not TWO fucking lawyers doing close to nothing for $3000 each.

*stands back up from being bent over and abused*

Nonetheless, we trudged up the five flights to the judge's office, where the assistant (secretary?) rifled through the papers, got out her nifty judge's stamp and declared us DIVORCED.

Just like that.

Judge not necessary, just her signature stamp.

Ex#2 looked at me, looked at the assistant and said, "that's it?" he turns to me, "Can't change your mind now."

Without laughing in his face, cause I'm not THAT bitchy, I said, "Sorry, I'm not going to change my mind."

Really, it is sad. But I KNOW it's the best decision for me and the kids. I've been trying to make this decision for years...and now it's done. All that agonizing, all that drama, all the tears, the hurt, and some of the good times...with one judges' stamp they are over in theory.



I am not proud of decisions I made during this marriage or before it, but I am proud of myself for finally making the decision to get out.

Totally Ticks me Off Tuesday.

Click the button to check out Mommy from the Midwest and other participating in Totally Ticks me off Tuesday

There are so many ugly things going on with this divorce, that my TTMOT just sounds like a broken record. Skipping on the same subject.

STBE = TOOL.
He.
is.
a.
tool.

With the house *almost* sold, if this divorce isn't finalized our proceeds *might* be frozen until the divorce IS finalized.

*fuck*

I didn't agree to everything he and his lawyer proposed.

My lawyer and I made changes, sent it back.

He and his lawyer made MORE changes...we haven't received it yet.

Except NOW with the pending sale, STBE is back to the "threats" financially if I don't agree to his new proposed changes.

I am so sick and tired, tired and sick, of dealing with his money hungry greediness.

*bangs head on record player
*skip-skip-skip*

TOOL. TOOL. TOOL. TOOL.

*swoosh-loopy loop*

Weekend was a roller coaster.


Even the site of this picture makes me queasy.

Have I mentioned that I can't stomach roller coasters?

Cause I can't.

Last time I rode a roller coaster was probably 10 years ago. Although I was hungover during our trip, I think it was the roller coasters that made me feel like vomiting.

I remember getting off of the ride, finding the nearest tree and dry heaving for a good 10 minutes.

That's kinda how this weekend was for me.

It started with the drama on Friday afternoon and the typical selfish STBE acts.

*click click up the hill*

Add to that the unknown of what the offer on the house was and what it meant to be told it's complicated.

*click click getting closer*

I did a holy shit, I need to find out where the kids and I are going to move to freak out.

*swoosh down the hill, through the loopy loop*

Saturday we met with our realtor. Whom I love to here and back, er there and back. Especially compared to Mr Miata, ass.

*click click click*

The contract WAS complicated...and ridiculous.

*swoosh, loop*

We could have walked or counter offer. We did the latter.

*click click*

Anyway.

STBE and I exchanged words.

*click click click*

Rush of tears, heart pounding, vomit threatening to project.

*down the hill*

I hate that rush of anger, that out and out rage of anger.

*hits bottom of hill*

Sunday, I'm sitting at a baseball game. Phone rings.

*click click click*

It's the lovely Realtor, "Congratulations!" She says, they accepted the offer.

*sits at top hill, elated*

"If the house passes all inspections this is a done deal" she exclaims.

*swoosh down the hill*

Universe? Are you there? It's me Stacie again...you know the routine.

*loopy loop*

She's super freaky.

As in freaked out.

In random form:

-offer coming in for house tonight!
-realtor says it's complicated
-STBE is "too busy" tonight to entertain the offer -- WTF?
-STBE wants realtor to work around HIS schedule

-Adjuster is here looking at the damage to my van from the accident that I "wasn't" in on Sunday
-I have a $500 deductible. *sigh*

-Called bank to get myself in for preapproval to buy my own house
-I have an appointment Monday morning.
-He says we might have a snag because the divorce is not final
-Reiterate, filed in Oct 08 it is NOW FING JULY 09

*DEEP BREATH*
Everything will work out, cause it has to right? right. RIGHT!

Putting this out to the universe now. Please let this all work out, please let me find a perfectly cheap house, let me not get into any more trouble with this vehicle.

Amen.

Savin Ass.

I have typed this post a few times...when I was thinking about it originally and at the time it was happening it was HYSTERICAL to me. Now though, a week later, I can't seem to make it as funny in type than it was while happening.

Let me give you the basics.

Dog. Ass Chewed.

(You're probably thinking, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, she's talking about the dog AGAIN? Yes, um, yes I am.)

STBE biggest AssHat of this century.

(I know, more bitch with that wine? Don't mind if I do.)

I have a heart, I felt bad for the damn dog so I took him to the vet.

(sucker)

Vet was closed, had to go to vet HOSPITAL.

($$$)




Enter nurse, not my biggest fan. Bertha McMustache was not amused by my sweet and cute lack of knowledge for my OWN dog.

(eye roll)

I mean, really? I have NO CLUE what the brand of dog food he eats. It a huge ass bag, 40 lbs to be exact. Yellow, the bag is yellow and it is dog food.

(at least he's fed)

Enter sweet nurse and a thermometer.

(ooohhhh ahhhhh)

Except, wait, where is she sticking that?

Picture me, straddling the dog's head to hold him still, not sure if he is going to bite my ass off or not, two kids stunned as Sweet Nurse jabs inserts thermometer in Bo's butt hole.

(great! good times)

Bubba starts the 100 (million) question game.

(exit sweet nurse)

Buggy, spots rectal thermometer on the counter. "Mom, did she wash that off?"

(me-IDK, sniff it and find out)

(I'm kidding, I didn't tell her that *fixes halo*)

Dr comes in, drops a bomb of about $400 to knock Bo out and stitch him...OR...take my chances on a longer healing process and do nothing.

(easy choice...do NOTHING)

((the price of NOTHING? $233.00. F*ck))

Enter again Nurse Bertha McMustache who's ate one too many Big Macs.

(that's not nice)

She's already not impressed by my comedic behavior, she is growling out the specifics of the medication, when to give it, when to take my own, how to care for the dog, etc.

The dog is pulling on the leash to leave, kids are still sniffing the thermometer and I can not concentrate 'cause her mustache is so thick. She had a five o'clock shadow except it's now eight o'clock if ya know what I mean.

(I wish I had a pencil thin mustache kept running through my head)

((I really wish I had a Pina Colada))

Alls well that ends well, except the dog's "end" (as in rear end) is still pretty grotesque. He seems to be healing just fine though, the kids got an education they may not have been ready to get, and Bertha's mustache didn't reach out and bitch slap me.

*sigh*

TTMOF, Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday.

Remember that ass chewin?

I'm still ticked off about that.

So after Bubba pointed out that Bo was bleeding I call STBE, it's HIS dog. I am only keeping the dog until STBE gets a place to have the dog.

"Hey, you know Bo got out last night, well, he was bit or something..." I pause to see if STBE steps up to the plate and offers to come take HIS dog to the vet. OR EVEN AT THE VERY LEAST say, shit, can you please take him to the vet for me cause I can't (blah blah blah).

Not the case. OF FUCKING COURSE.

"I can't come out there for every little thing, Stace" he says.

Let me list the "things" he's HAD to come out for....
um.
1) kid's softball/baseball games.
2) Bubba's practices.
3) UM. Yeah. THAT'S FUCKING IT.
4) oh right, he HAD to come out to "babysit" forgot that FAVOR. *eye roll*

*deep breath*

Yeah, he totally ticks me off daily.

So come back tomorrow to hear all about rectal thermometers and the vet nurse that could bitch slap me with her mustache.

Good times.

Turmoil

I get tired of hearing myself rant about the "soon to be ex" (STBE). Yet, I keep allowing him to come into our lives and cause me such turmoil. I don't know how to stop it from affecting me.

I do know that I need to step away and get him away from me personally as much as possible, but it's difficult when I am living in our home (while it's on the market) and while he is still involved in getting the children to their destinations (practices, games, etc)

Last night I had an engagement that I had to attend to; after finding out my Mom would not be able to babysit, I asked STBE. He hem hawed around, muttering he had laundry he needed to do and 10 hour shifts at work, yada yada. As he went on, I just remained silent. After he took a breath, I asked, "would you be able to help out or not?"

He did. He watched the kids at our home. When I arrived home, I found he was doing his laundry that he brought with him.

In his words, he was doing ME a favor by sitting with the kids, why did it matter if he did his laundry or not.

Doing ME a favor? (I am not quite sure how I kept it together and didn't go psycho right at this point)

I replied with a smile on my face, "You shouldn't think of it as doing me a favor, but that you got to spend a few extra hours with the kids."

Sure it was condescending, hearing any FATHER say they had to babysit, infuriates me. Besides the fact that he could have just said no if he had too much to do; I would have moved on and found someone to help me out.

Of course, my comment sends him into a tirade about how I am NOT doing this, and I am NOT doing that. Knocking me down about any little thing that I might not be doing around the house. IE; not putting enough salt in the water softener, cleaning out the gutters, etc.

The thing is, as ridiculous as his tirades are, I can blow him off on the outside, but the inside is fuming. It is outraged, it is ready to battle war. THAT is what I want to change.

I want my inside to match my outside actions of letting it roll off my back.


*sidenote, how cute is that graphic? I want to redo my blog with her in my header, cause I totally look like that.

I think I will just go back to bed-Not me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

My weekend was full of NOTS or kNOTS.

It was the weekend of NO kids. I did not lose all motivation the minute they were out that door. I did NOT curl up in the fetal position on the corner of the couch...for hours. I did NOT have to force myself to shower and GET OUTSIDE.

Once I was OUT, I did NOT mean to about kill myself on the same hike we took on Mother's Day. I was NOT wheezing my way up that dune and I did NOT think about turning around and heading back to the couch.

After the hike I did NOT go sit on the beach and curse every loving couple there or families with their children frolicking around the beach. I did NOT feel like just laying there in the fetal position and sleep the rest of the weekend off.

I did NOT turn down an invite to a movie from a friend to wallow in my own self pity. What a waste of time THAT would have been. *eye roll* (Sorry B, keep askin)

Finally when Bubba came home I asked how his weekend was with Daddy (which really is only one night...every other week) to which he replied good, then I did NOT shit my pants when I listened to where the two of them spent the night on Saturday night. I was NOT thoroughly disappointed to hear that they stayed at Daddy's friend's house...and I didn't not DROP MY JAW, when I found out that this "friend" is a woman....with TWO kids....and that she was at the family birthday party...and that my baby spent the night on her couch. I WAS NOT ABOUT TO LOSE MY FRIGGIN MIND.

I did NOT immediately call my friend and admit that though I am not upset he is dating, I am UPSET that he is getting laid and I.AM.NOT.

Besides the fact that WHOA Nelly on taking our son to the "friends" to spend the night. Never mind the fact that he spends ONE NIGHT EVERY OTHER WEEK with his child and he CHOOSES to spend it at his "friends" --no. NONE of that sets me off...NONE.OF.IT. He's not an asshole, no, I would NOT say that about the father to one of my children.

*coughassholecough*

*sigh and deep breath*

Lastly, I am NOT too proud to beg for your votes again.




and do NOT forget.



You won't want to be left out on the Eden Fantasys giveaway, that would NOT be cool on your part...not at all.

Keep on slippin and sliding....wheeeee.

Not Me...Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

The weekend recap on what I did not (most certainly) do. Not me. Nope.

I did NOT throw a little fit about Hubby's clothes that remain all over the laundry room. No, 'cause I don't throw little fits...ever. IN the fit that I did not throw, never once was bagging said clothes and leaving them on the front lawn mentioned. No, cause that would cause more neighborhood whispers. SO I would never threaten that...(when does Am-vets come again?)

I did NOT almost forget about Bunny duties. That would be as bad as forgetting Tooth Fairy duties ! I did NOT lay down in bed, only to shoot straight up remembering those duties and muttering curse words under my breath. NOPE, cause that would not be very Eastery of me.

I did NOT eat any candy this weekend. I didn't. Cause that would be against my Weight Watchers plan, that's right, that would cost me too many points, so I most certainly did not eat ANY of those yummy delicious Whooper Robin Eggs. Nope. Not me.

I did NOT do a little dance the minute the kids walked out the door to go to breakfast with (soon to be ex) hubby. I wouldn't do that, cause I love them rascals and it was Easter, I was NOT GLAD to have an hour to myself on a holiday. No.

Since I was kid free (and NOT LIKING it) my mom and I decided to go for a hike. I did NOT think there was a pun intended...however, I most certainly did NOT consider tellin my Mom that she could take her own hike and return when she was out of her mood. I would not think about saying that to my beloved Mother. That would be rude and rude is something I am NOT. Ever.

While hiking I DID point out a neat looking house to hear my mother say..."oh, that house? I had sex in the hot tub at that house." She did NOT just look me IN THE EYE and say that; she did NOT just say that...because that would NOT be appropriate Easter talk OR conversation you have with your daughter. Right? No that did not happen to me.

Lastly, I did NOT go to bed early last night just to get the weekend over with and I did NOT wake up this morning still friggin tired. Nope not me, must be some other dope.

You asked...

Let the celebration begin?
Ha.

Yeah. Last night was my FIRST night of "freedom"...just because Hubby "moved out" doesn't mean I am "free" by any means.

I got home from work and hubby was STILL here. *sigh*

He putzed and putzed around.

He only packed HALF of his clothes (he's moving to his mom's so he isn't taking furniture).

He asked if he could come over today (Saturday) to play catch with the kids (?!?!)

He asked if he could come over Sunday morning to watch the kids with their Easter baskets.

I just looked at him and said, "so when is it that you WON'T be here?"

I know it is difficult, I am sure he is having a hard time, but COME ON...FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

I made a schedule, he has the kids next weekend...so maybe then...maybe then I will have some "freedom" feeling. I am skeptical, however, I think he is going to linger around here.

I can't get a clean break. I know these things are usually messy, but I was hoping for a break nonetheless. Eventually, I hope.

SO basically NIGHT ONE of OPERATION DIVORCE and SINGLE MOMMYHOOD - Anti climatic.

It's Tuesday?

*edit....this post is so giddy and fluffy that it is grammatically out of my control...just as the squealing is that my coworkers are experiencing every few mintues from the direction of my office *squeal*

um, so since none of that stuff happened to me in my Not Me Monday post. I feel pretty darn good today, not sore at all...or bruised...or (attempting) to walk around with two left feet, while the right one went on vacation.

Oh if all of that was true, I would be ON vacation with that foot, therefore, it wasn't me, didn't happen to me...

*right foot if you are reading this, bring back a Pina Colata for me, K thanks*

***
Happy 23RD birthday to my baby sister! 23! Wow. Seems like it was just yesterday I was 23. Oh, yes, that's right, it WAS just yesterday.

*quickly moves on*

My lovely sister, now 23 is FREAKING THE HELL out. She feels like she "should be" something by this age, she doesn't know WHAT...but SOMETHING. Married or thinking of marriage, done with college or MAYBE attending college. SOMETHING. So she is struggling.

I thought back to (yesterday) when I was 23, I was in all those places that she "thinks" she should be in and look at me now, (few years later) on my second divorce. (I do have a degree, but didn't get that before kids).

Anyway. Just thought it was fun to think (a few years) back to where I was at that age. It is all about me ya know.

***
More about me...

I am giddy today. I (almost) feel guilty for feeling so giddy.

We had a showing on our house on Sunday, they liked the house, but were turned off by the loudness of the trains that go by. The tracks aren't even that close to our house! if you knew our area, you would chuckle with me and wish them luck finding a home that DOESN'T hear the trains.

Even this DENY! of our house doesn't take away my giddy feeling.

Here's why I am giddy:


1) Finally got a meeting with my lawyer scheduled. She better not cancel or I'm gonna have to smack a bitch!

2) I have court on another issue, so that will be filed in the DONE pile. Sweet.

3) Kids are starting the t-ball and softball schedules.

4) (save the best for last) Hubby, soon to be ex, informed me THIS MORNING he is moving out on FRIDAY *squeal*

***

April is turning out to be the BEST.FING.MONTH.EVER and it's only the 7Th day. NOW if Mother Nature would turn off the snow for our area...that would be SWELL and so on my "life is moving along" list.

****

Obviously, I type run ons when I am giddy, but I don't care, I am not changing them *squeal*...too giddy to care.

Where do I go from here?

As I was lying in bed thinking of the elliptical trying to go to sleep, I had some thoughts pop into my head.

All joking aside. This is one of my sobering (literally) posts, so if you only come here for pictures, or erotic exercise love, move along.

I'll wait.


You're still here?
Ok.

Here is what I do know.
I know that alcoholism is a disease.
I know that the disease controls the person.
I know there isn't much I can do to stop the disease.
I know that I have no control over it, or what the person does about it.
I know that it can ruin lives and relationships.
I know that because of other's alcoholism, I have a messed up way of thinking in my own life.

What I don't know:
How to let it go.
How to love despite the disease.
How to reach out, without feeling disappointment.

Thoughts of my father, still pop up from time to time. The ringing sound in my heart chimes out WHY?

Why wasn't *I* enough for him to change?

Even though I know, I can't make anyone change. Even though I have never asked him to change, I have hoped and wanted for him to be an active part of my life.

Knowing these things and still living with these WHYS, I am confused on what to do with them, how to handle them.

The thoughts lead me straight to where I am today and the reasons I married hubby 2.

The honest reasons.

1) I knew he had a drinking problem. I knew I didn't like his drinking. As we took the vows of marriage, I had HOPED he would change. I wanted him to see that family was more important, that HIS needs weren't the only needs to be met.

(Something I wish that my father had done for me and my brother)

2) I had hoped that "making" him "see" that we were more important he would change, proving his love for us.

(Something I wish that my father would do- prove his love)

3) If he could change, then my father NOT changing or making me a priority in his life was because HE was the problem, not my lack of lovable characteristics.

(All I need is love)

4) If hubby would change, maybe then I would let my guard down to let love in.

(If I could let go of what I think love looks like or what love should or shouldn't do for me, maybe it wouldn't be so unrecognizable)

All of the wrong reasons to marry someone, I know that, and I admit that I made a mistake.

It's like I am searching for this love from outside sources that could NEVER be there in the capacity I want it to, or in the capacity that I need it to.

These posts take me forever to write because they feel so messed up, I feel messed up with these thoughts, but I don't know how to reason through them, I don't know how to make them "right". I don't know how to make any of them make sense to me.

With what I know, where do I go from there?

Power of the bird.

The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the WORD.

For me, there is something so powerful in flipping the bird. It just makes me feel crazy satisfied.

*rewind*
When I was six months pregnant with Buggy, her father moved out of our home. It was devastating, though I KNEW it was coming (woman's intuition), it broke me. Yet I was carrying a life, a life that I wanted so badly. I muddled through, I got myself into therapy, to keep my sanity through it all, to try to take care of ME so that the pregnancy and baby could be healthy. Healthy me = Healthy baby.

Through that therapy, there was still the hope hubby1 and I would reconcile (stupid looking back on it now). I hoped that he would see the life we created and WANT back into it. That was NOT the case, obviously.

One day after a really good therapy session, I went to meet him at a park. I still can remember the day clearly. There were things I wanted to say, they were fresh in my mind from the session, I wanted him to HEAR me and underneath it all, I wanted him to embrace me. I wanted him to apologize and come home, make it work.

That was NOT the case, obviously.

It was a beautiful day, cool, breezy, sunny. I said what I wanted to say, he listened but had no spoken response. His face said it all, to this day that face angers me. It is a smirk with a spark of condescending glazed eyes. As soon as he flashed this "face" at me, I lost it. That look, pushes me over a shaky edge, STILL it sends me to looney town.

I got into my car, just seething with anger, sadness and pure shock. As I drove away, I rolled down my window with a slam of the button, I thrusted my arm out of the window and flipped him the bird. My arm tightened as I flew that bird high; if I could make lightening flash from the end of my finger it would have happen at that moment. That bird soared at least three blocks from the park.

As I pulled my arm in and rolled up the window, I giggled. That actually felt good. My arm was a little sore the next day, so worth it.

*current day*

Hubby2 and I are going through a divorce. He is currently still in the home. It is not fun, it is not fun at all. I have been putting up with it, I have been putting on the "fake" for a very long time. It was bound to crack and crack it sure did.

I blew UP the other night, it was not pretty. If it were recorded on tape, I am sure I resembled the exorcist girl; I am SURE my head spun around.

In the middle of the explosion, I got that same smirky face from Hubby 2 (seriously, do they teach you guys this while the girls are having the menstrual talk?)

As soon as I saw the look, The Bird peaked it's head out of the sleepy nest and was ready for action. (and that whole sentence was a "that's what HE said" gutter)

Let it fly, I did. This time though, being a more frequent flyer, I bumped it up to a first class double flyer. Two Birds, double action, pumped up and down in a machine gun style. (There might have been a little jig with my feet too; I can't say)


How is it that just a simple hand gesture can feel so powerful, so therapeutic?

A hunting he will go...

It's that time again.

No, not your normal Holiday hustle and bustle post, though that is in full swing as well.

It is the annual manly hunting trip. A trip that hubby and I decided he wouldn't be attending this year due to the cost of the upcoming Disney trip. Yet weeks before said trip was to begin, he decided he was going anyway.

But whatever.

I am looking forward to not having to deal with him this week. I am looking forward to doing my own thing, kids in tow.

I look forward to answering the phone, IF I WANT TO. I am looking forward to cooking as many healthy meals as I want, not worrying one bit if he is going to like it or not. (not that I really worry about it anyway)

Overall, I am just looking forward to this week, PERIOD. It is a much different feeling than last year. Sure last year I toyed with the ideas of being a single mom, (which, can there be a different name for it than SINGLE mom?) this year, the reality of it is coming to surface.

I am not scared. I am not scared about all the things that will lie solely on my shoulders, because, for the most part, it has felt like the world (my world) has laid there all along.

The only part that remotely intimidates me is the finances, (says one scared mom who just received her first GINORMOUS bill from the lawyer) making it all alone on my salary. Yes there will be child support, but when the preliminary numbers were dispersed, I almost choked. We will definitely have to cut back, reevaluate the things that we (and by we, I mean ME) have deemed "necessary".

Even this challenge though, excites me a little.

I am ready to do this alone, I am ready for the rewards that will come to me. I know there will be a great self confidence to be gained here.

Ok, maybe I am HOPING there will be a great self confidence to be gained. Where there is hope there is um, hope.

Well, this day marks day one (of the rest of my life, hahah, not really) of this year's hunting trip. So far, sooooo GOOD. I have some chores to get done before my work week starts, so I shall move on. I hope you all are having a great weekend.

Check out the previous two posts for some fun give-aways on other blogs. Keep your fingers crossed for me to win ;), that is unless you are playing along too, then of course I hope YOU win (liar, liar).

Tizzy

I am just in a tizzy today. So many reasons, but really it all boils down to me. Grab a coffee and sit back while I just shoot off the reasons I am all up in arms.


Things you SHOULDN'T do because it will send me over the edge.

1) Sell girl scout cookies to your buddies at work and then when they pay you, pocket the money as your OWN spending cash claiming to have saved in ATM fees...and now taking a hit to our personal account (to the tune of $200) to PAY back the girl scout cookie money.

2) Leave for a Nebraska hunting trip, but expect ME to take the kids to see YOUR mom on Thanksgiving even though I have ALREADY told you I am going to St. Louis that day. No I will not stop off, if I am avoiding MY family for the day, I am sure as hell avoiding yours as well.(No offense to the in-laws, I really do like them, but it is the principle)

so I guess that's it.

I am just fed up with SOMEONE doing as they damn well please while the rest of us *cough me cough* have to be responsible financially and "in charge" of keeping family visits in check.

There is another thing that just has me in a tizzy (I don't know why I have chosen "tizzy" as the word of the day, but big kudos to any of you who want to use it today in YOUR post. There is no award, except my undying devotion to commenting on your blog and give BIG UPS to you.)

So, if you remember, we have this whole Disney trip planned for Christmas. It literally has been the works for two years. I have saved my bonus checks for this time to help pay for this extravagant trip. I have tossed and turned about the kid's excitement to be down there on Christmas morning. I have tossed and turned about the kid's lack of excitement when "Santa" doesn't really PROVIDE the number of presents that he normally does.

When this trip was finally booked, there was the unsettling reality that hubby and I were heading down an ugly path. That our future was not for sure or definite. Yet I booked it. A ticket in his name. Merely two months later, I had finally had enough. I made up my mind. Something that had been lingering in my noggin for AT LEAST the past two years.

(right now at this point, this post can go in three different directions so I will try to stay on the original plan...and maybe take the other directions at a later time)

Now that I have made my decision to get out of the marriage and MEAN IT this time, I am left with this "family" vacation that should be dreamy and satisfying yet it isn't REALLY going to be all that.

I don't mean that it ISN'T going to be GREAT for the kids...cause I sure as hell know how to put on a HAPPY FACE for them, hell I have been muddling through that like I said for the past few years.

But, I can't help but think, shit. This is like the last supper. The LAST family vacation with me, hubby and the kids. It doesn't make ME sad, because this is my decision to leave. However, what will it present like to the kids? After it is all said and done, will they view Disney as a land of dreams and fairy tales only to be told a while after that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce?

It's like, hey kids here is a tiny family nugget you can hold onto forever because it will be the last.

Really though, maybe I am just over analyzing. The word ANAL is in the word for a reason..I am anally obsessing about what the end result of the marriage is going to do to the kids. When in actuality, I think it is going to happen much later AFTER the Disney trip so I don't think they will link the two, but I hope that isn't wishful thinking.

UGH. I am going to try to put it all aside and remember the good about this trip and hope that in the end, it doesn't come off as I am overanalyzing it to be.

LoveStoned

Love this song but the MIGHTY FINE Justin Timberlake.

****warning, some dirty talk...beware, if you don't want to hear, read tomorrow where I might be back to my normal broadcasting****

The other night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about things I want to improve upon in myself. One of the things that I have been digging at is my issues with my father...and wondering how it my have scripted my relationships I have had growing up.

In some ways, it has left me feeling unlovable. I know, you all are going to post nice things and say that I am lovable (your check is in the mail) but REALLY...(I might even close comments on this) as embarrassing and as much as I know it is untrue, I do have that feeling.

Not to say, that I haven't come a long way, because, oh friends, I have. Come a long way.

It is just still there. A little.

I look back on past relationships, there really weren't too many that stand out. I was a one man girl (except for a couple "slips" and then that one year I attended Ball State University, but I digress). I usually was the girl with a boyfriend, all.the.time.

I couldn't be alone, didn't want to be alone and really I feel like I jumped into a relationship with current hubby for the same reason.

I think I just wanted to be LOVED. PERIOD. Who doesn't want that?

My first real love was (as I remember) perfect. I don't think I am over dramatizing it either, it was real, it was simple, it was perfect. When he went on to college and I was still in high school, I thought we should break up. HE should have the time of his life and somehow I didn't think I fit into it. NOW I think, I might have been putting him to a test and he FAILED by taking the bait.

It was a miserable year for me. My grades dropped and I was just broken.

Then came MR GET LAID, we dated for quite a while, once he got what he wanted (which did take some time) he and I split. Besides the fact that he "disappeared" at prom and was "seen" with his ex girlfriend dancing. Whateva. He failed all things not even tested.

Third love in high school was a NICE GUY. Sweet Virgin and I dated most of my senior year. I got most of what I needed from him as far as love, acceptance and such...and what do I do? I cheat on him with First Love. (you can only do so many blow jobs before you want the "real" thing)(and nothing beats a first love, ever)(not that I am condoning what I did in any way, whatsoever)

After high school I went off to BSU and well, um, yeah.

After my year of "fun" I had to come back to reality and move back home. First guy that shows interest when I move back becomes hubby number 1, though, he is NOT A #1 HUBBY TO ME... therefore he is EX # 1.

I thought we had a good relationship, though I see now it was a parallel one. He did his thing, I did my thing, and we met in the middle sometimes (rarely). I would attend all kinds of parties alone. They all joked around about if I was REALLY married.

There were times in our marriage that I remember playing hard to get, in so many ways. Almost testing him to see how he would react...if he would keep trying, if he would stop loving me. It's stupid, I know that now.

After a miscarriage and another pregnancy (Buggy) it became obvious that he had moved to "greener" pastures. He left when I was six months pregnant, swearing he wasn't with "anyone"...we were divorced six months after Buggy was born.

On to Current Hubby, I knew him through some friends, I knew by the way that he looked at me that he was interested. I had a friend set us up. Buggy was four months old, I was sexually frustrated, I was needing to feel loved by a man. He fit the bill, he was really into me and I was thankful to have someone.

He loves me in his own way, but it isn't (as you all have read) a mature love or a healthy love.

I don't really know where this post is going, but after all this reflection I am not so eager to be in a relationship again, for my own healthy reasons. There is so much I need to do to give myself the love that I have been searching for all this time. To give myself the unconditional love.

It is my time to love me.

Safety Nets, sometimes have holes.

So this past weekend was classic. One of the many reasons that I am unhappy in my situation.

I got a call on Friday from hubby, he says him and bubba went to Bass Pro Shop. NO biggy. He then says, "I got Bubs something that you are going to be mad about."

Not wanting to be on the phone with him at work, I said, "ok."

When I arrived home, Hubby prompted Bubba to tell me what they had been up to while I was away at work.

Bubba, with his 4 year old memory, couldn't tell me. After about five minutes of this prompting, I looked at Hubs and said, "Why don't YOU tell me what you guys have been doing."

He looks at Bubba, smiles and continues to prompt.

Here is what I got from the pushing. They went to my parent's house and shot a BB gun. Hm, OK.

Most of my family are hunters. I didn't think anymore about it, not until Sunday morning.

Bubba is at the table eating his pancakes and he is talking about his daddy buying him a BB gun.

"What?" I say as the pancake starts to burn in the pan.

"My new BB gun, first thing to remember is safety, Mom" he says.

Confused, I ask again, "Daddy bought you a BB gun? You didn't use your cousin's gun at Grampy's house?"

"No, DADDY" he starts speaking slowly as if I am stupid, "BOUGHT ME A BB GUN."

Oh, now the smoke coming from the stove isn't the pancakes at all. I am fuming.

A few minutes later hubby finally gets up...and I run into him in the hallway. I was trying to be diplomatic about the situation, trying remaining calm, but it doesn't come out that way as soon as I see him.

"You BOUGHT Bubba a BB gun?" *whew say that fast five times*

"yeah, I told you that I did." He said.

"YEAH, NO YOU DIDN'T, you pussyfooted around about shooting a BB gun. YOU didn't say anything you prompted Bubba to say it all. Why didn't you talk to me about the purchase FIRST? Why do you think a 4 year old needs a BB gun? Where do you get off making a purchase KNOWING it will piss me off?"

He had nothing to say.

I go back to cooking pancakes and I am so mad that I am shaking. I start to cry. It is so frustrating to be in a relationship where my thoughts and opinions are not even considered. Or that my thoughts and opinions are known and one goes behind my back and does it anyway. This has been classic Hubby moves since day one. It is belittling and frustrating to me.

He apologizes and says that he didn't know it would make me this upset, which I refuse to believe. He knew damn well it was going to make me mad, he even prefaced the phone call with the exact words, "I bought something for Bubba that is probably going to make you mad" so no amount of back peddling is going to remedy this. I am tired of not being heard, I am tired of dealing with a teenage attitude of 'I want it so I am going to get it no matter what' (this is hubby's attitude, not the 4 year olds sadly).

**************************
After discussing this with a friend it has become clear to me that I have stayed in this marriage in order to "safety net" my kids from an alcoholic father...seems backwards, but I have been there to hurry them away if things are too deep. I am there to cushion the blows, or even block them before the come near.

Now they are older and he has stopped drinking, I have felt like it is time for me to stand up and say ENOUGH, I deserve to be happy. I am faced with a case this weekend that reminds me that I will NOT be able to safety net them all.the.time. That scares me. It also makes me psycho mom thinking of all the ways he can hurt them, what if he starts drinking again, etc.

It is the fear of the unknown again, I guess. However, I do feel like I have the strength and the love to safety net these kids when.I.can. Hopefully that will be enough.

"It" skeptic

Oh they have "it", I can feel "it". Yet as I sat in the bleachers on the opposite side of the field from them last night, I was doubting their "it".

I imagined my conversation with them. I imagined myself saying, "this may be strange, but how do you guys do it? What is your secret?"

I imagined them saying, "oh we are newlyweds!"

Then I could justify their "it" aura.

I know that isn't true, they have an eight year old daughter playing on the same softball team as my eight year old daughter.

I imagined them saying, "We are each other's best friend."

To which I would roll my eyes. Yeah, friends first, but I have been friends with guys before and it hasn't lead me to "it".

Maybe my skepticism was because my first failed marriage partner (Buggy's dad) was in the stands with me and my current hubby (on the fritz)was out on the field helping for practice.

I felt clouded by my own mishaps with the "it" factor. The overwhelming questions, did I have "it" with first hubby? Was the "it" there for me and not him? Is that why he strayed? Did I just THINK I had "it" with him when really I didn't have shit?

With current hubby, I have tried, I think I have really tried to talk myself into "it", but it just doesn't work that way. With all the other issues in our marriage, there is no forcing "it" and furthermore, "it" is many different things to different people. Our "it"s are not on the same page.

Wherever the skepticalness (is that a word?) came from I doubted their "it". I resented their "it". I cried a little inside for their "it". I got pissed at my lack of "it".

Average Girl in an Average World said, "It" Will make its way into your life....just open yourself up to receive "it"" and I say thank you, thank you for that, but for now, I think I am going to be an "it" snob. I am closing my "it" door until (this is all starting to sound really dirty to me, I have a gutter mind) I can clearly define "it" for me.

Frankly, I have had it with "it".

Open letter

I know this is hurting you, as much as you want to believe it is intentional, it isn't.

I don't know if you believe me when I say I am hurting too. It has taken a long time for me to come to terms with this decision and it hurts me to break the news to you.

I could stuff my feelings in for longer, but what good will it do? How much longer will I allow myself to be unhappy? I can't rely on you to "get me" and "make" me happy.

If I wait another six months will the end result change? I don't think it will. I have heard the promise before, yet here we are with the same conclusion.

You and I both have said mean and hurtful things to each other, I can't let us slide through like this, it isn't fair to either one of us. It isn't fair for these kids to have such an ugly model to form their characters.

I am sorry, I really am sorry.

Sorry I couldn't make it work. Sorry I couldn't make myself fall in love with you again. Sorry I couldn't lie down and "accept" that this is you and love you for it instead of withdrawing from you. Sorry you felt as if you tried and it fell on deaf ears and heart.

I am just as scared as you.

I'm afraid to jump.

Sitting in the kitchen of a friend's house after a fun labor day party and my four year old says out of the blue.

"It's not fair that mommy says daddy can't drink beer, but she can."

I looked at my friend, who looked at me.

I said to Bubba, "honey, it is daddy's choice to not drink beer and that is really an issue between mommy and daddy, not something you should worry about."

This statement has been ringing in my head. Why did he say that? Who did he hear that from? Is hubby saying this crap around my kids?

It would be typical and it is something hubby has alluded to in the past five months since he has stopped drinking.

I state over and over to myself, it IS HIS choice to quit drinking. My choice in the matter is I will not stay with him if he continues to drink or in this case resumes his drinking. It is all about our choices, he CHOSE to stop drinking to save his family. Why am I still taking the brunt of that choice, HIS choice?

It is all a vicious cycle of anger for me.

In lue of this, I attended counseling alone this week. To vent, yes. To release. I did, and I also listened. Whoa, I needed this meeting. I explained to her situations that were happening, how I reacted, how I felt and how I was beating myself up for those reactions and feelings. Second guessing myself, doubting myself.

She agreed with some of my assesments with myself and she disagreed. It was quite liberating to hear a "professional" tell me I wasn't crazy for my reactions OR feelings.

Sure there are things I need to work on, anger is a big one. I have lots of pent up anger. Towards my father, towards my hubby and towards others who have hurt me. I need to release, I need to reevaluate that anger in my life and get it out. The hard part is that anger is a little easier to feel than hurt.

Ever since my counseling I have been teetering on that hurt/anger ledge. I don't like it. Ever since that meeting more dreams of my father are coming to me at night and I don't like that either. However, I KNOW it is something I need to get through, I need to get this crap out and be done with it...or accept it and feel the hurt and let that little me feel that hurt, then maybe, just maybe I can move on.

Ugh, how did this get back to my father? On the hubby front, the therapist thinks that I need to work on me and then deal with the issue of my marriage. NOVEL idea, right? Well, I think so too.